What’s it like growing from a little cub to a big bear? Which celebrity would he put in leather?
This week’s Portrait, Phil Cochetti, runs the Happy Bear events at Tabu Lounge and tells all.
PGN: What is Happy Bear?
PC: It’s a weekly bear happy hour event, every Friday from 5-9 p.m., upstairs at Tabu Lounge. The goal is to promote a social atmosphere where folks can mingle and talk easily, grab a bite and kick back after the work week. We welcome all who appreciate a cold drink, warm atmosphere, and Philly’s hot bear, cub, salmon and otter communities.
PGN: How did it get started?
PC: Paul Grossman from the Philadelphia Gay Men’s Chorus is a friend of mine and, in 2014, he approached me with a few ideas including Happy Bear. I wasn’t able to participate at the time, so he got it started with Josh Schonewolf. But then he had to pull away because of some of his other commitments, so I stepped in.
PGN: For those who don’t know, give me Bear 101.
PC: Bears are what they sound like: usually hairier guys, often big guys and lots of other woodland creatures that spin off that original theme. We have otters, who tend to be hairy but skinnier; cubs, who are younger guys, and I’ve been promoting a new category, salmon, for smooth guys who are into bears. It’s a low-key event. We welcome anyone who wants to come and hang out, as long as you appreciate and respect the community. We have guys from their 70s to their 20s; it’s a great social hour. We do special events, a lot of charity work, we have an event coming up on the 30th, “Say Something Hat Day,” which will be a lot of fun and “Rock Out, Flags Out” on April 6. And on the 27th we’re partnering with Geek Out from NY, which is a comic book, manga, anime group.
PGN: Why “Say Something Hat Day?”
PC: It’s a quote from “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.” At one point someone is having a rough day and Patrick Swayze snaps his head around and says, “I think tomorrow is going to be a ‘Say Something’ hat day. And they all come out in these giant hats. We’re partnering with Stonewall Sports for this event, so we wanted something that would be fun but not intimidating like stripping down to a jock strap or union suit. Oh, forgot to tell you I’ve been with the Philadelphians for years; it’s a leather club and I’ve gotten to do a lot of traveling with them too.
PGN: What’s the biggest misconception that you’ve heard about the leather community?
PC: I’ve had people who think that we’re all about sex and make people go through these crazy initiation rites, which is absolutely untrue. There is a sexual tone to it, but no initiations. You’re more likely to find us talking about our cats and what we cooked last weekend.
PGN: What’s the difference between the bear and the leather community?
PC: I was originally attracted to bears when I was in college, but I found it to be very, um, grabby, which put me off for a while. I gravitated more to the leather community because of their focus on consent and respect for each other’s bodies.
PGN: So you have your own #MeToo moments.
PC: Yes, so I try to make Happy Bear more of a social event, rather than a sexually charged event. I’d love to see that improved in the bear community. I’ve had things happen to me that were uncomfortable. People need to realize that it’s as inappropriate to grab a bartender’s body parts as it is to grope a server.
PGN: Tell me about yourself.
PC: I was raised in the suburbs, both in South Jersey and on the Main Line. I came out when I was 14 and helped found the Gay/Straight Alliance with a number of friends. I was one of the only openly gay kids at my school at the time. My mom was super supportive, so before we had a GSA at Conestoga, she would drive me to the next school in the township that did. I would go to Lower Merion to participate in their GSA.
PGN: [Laughing] Lower Merion? Boo, hiss! I thought it was bad enough when you said you went to Conestoga, but LM, they’re our biggest rivals. I went to Radnor.
PC: We are rivals!
PGN: True. But I’ve mellowed a bit with age, so I won’t try to cause you any physical damage. What did your parents do?
PC: My mom, Anne Todd, is a graphic designer. She was an art teacher for a number of years. She was also a Peace Corps volunteer in Africa back in the 1960s. She’s a fascinating woman. When the Nizah Morris murder happened, we were both working with [PGN reporter] Tim Cwiek, attending hearings and things when it was still being actively investigated. My father is Phillip Michael Todd — we have different middle names — and he was a Philadelphia cop. He also had a polygraph school for a while and then worked in the cable industry for about 20 years.
PGN: I looked at your bio and you are involved in all sorts of disparate things. I guess that’s where you get it from?
PC: I went to college to study sociology and math. I wanted a career in math but it didn’t work out, so I switched and I majored in sociology and minored in math. During that time I was also working at The Attic Youth Center and at the William Way LGBT Community Center.
PGN: So back to high school: when was that and what were the challenges of being an openly gay student?
PC: I’m 34, so I graduated high school in 2002. I have to say that the school did a pretty amazing job of making me feel comfortable. I came out in 1998, right before Matthew Shepard was murdered. I’d disclosed to a small group of friends, telling them that I was bisexual. Within a week the entire school knew. The following week I was getting so many questions about it, I thought, This is ridiculous, I just need to come clean and say that I’m gay. That was fall of 1998. By springtime, it was pretty well known by everyone that I was gay. One day that spring, one of the kids came up to me on the bus while I was sitting next to a friend and told me that he was going to bring a gun to school the next day and “pop you dead.’”
PGN: Whoa …
PC: My mom called the police, who went to his house and checked with his parents, but there was no gun that they knew of that was accessible. The next day, I got called down to the vice principal’s office and asked about it. I told them my story and they asked if anyone else was there to verify it. I told them that so-and-so was sitting next to me so they called her down to question her about it. I was in the next room and because the walls weren’t well insulated, I could hear everything she said and she corroborated my story. He was suspended for one day, and then he was back the following day. But fortunately nothing happened. The guidance office was great to work with; they handled any gay issues and made sure I was safe. I had other issues going on as well and they were very empathetic and helpful.
PGN: What were the other issues you were tackling?
PC: Well, I was a little out there in high school — I guess I still am — but especially when I was younger, I just liked to mess with the system. I’d wear dresses to school sometimes and I was on a panel discussing the dress code with members of the school board, parents, teachers, etc. Their main concern at the time was not wanting girls to wear spaghetti-strap tops with straps less than 1 inch in width, along with the lengths of their skirts. After a while I said, “Wait a minute. I wear a kilt and it’s above my knees, so are the regulations for girls only? I wear spaghetti strap tops, am I allowed to only because I’m male?” The gender biases are ridiculous. If there is a rule for certain clothing, it should be implemented for all, not just directed at girls. A good friend of mine from my church was there with me and between the two of us, we tried to pave the way with that and a few other things. So that when another friend of mine came out as trans in her senior year, we had policies in place. She ended up at Temple and we’ve stayed friends over the years. She went on to pave the way at Temple playing women’s rugby.
PGN: What a story.
PC: Yeah, that was high school. We were pretty radical. When I was a freshman, I went to the homecoming dance with a guy, a senior, and it was pretty audacious for the time. It was Saturday, Oct. 9 in 1998, and I remember the date because Matthew Shepard was beaten up at the bar that Friday and found the next morning. My mom was freaking out because she was concerned about what might happen to us. She actually called the local cops and made sure that they were aware of what had just happened in Wyoming and to let them know that there was going to be a same sex couple at the homecoming dance. A lot of our friends were really supportive and we enjoyed ourselves. Any time we chose to dance together, there was a circle around us. The next day, Matthew Shepard died, so it was an intense time. Someone took a picture of us and passed it around the school the following week. My date didn’t handle it as well, and it led to our breakup shortly after. Then in college I shifted my focus. I was working with the Bryson Institute. I interned there as a senior in high school and was one of the first speakers to go out into the suburbs and talk with the churches and synagogues. I also worked for Safeguards for about a year while in college and then worked at William Way for about a year and a half with ‘[former director] Dolph Ward Goldenburg.
PGN: And what do you do now?
PC: It’s funny because it goes right back to the center. I’d been tracking our mailings to see how successful they were and Dolph said to me, “This isn’t a research institution, I don’t know how much data you can get from this.” But I enjoyed it, so when I went to look for my next job, I looked for anything that had “research” in the title. I ended up doing clinical research at the [University of Pennsylvania], working in the hospital. I didn’t realize that I was working in a research department where I would have to draw blood and take EKGs, actually working with live patients. But I stayed there for five years and it was a really great experience. It launched my career. Now I’m back at the hospital working on an FDA project.
PGN: So you came out at 14: Do you remember the first time you went to an LGBT bar?
PC: It was probably the Westbury. I was about 19 and joined the Gryphons rugby team, and played with them for 13 years. We would go into the bar after practice or after matches. I was underaged, but we’d get there before there was a bouncer on, or we’d go in covered in mud. I think they knew, but as long as we didn’t act stupid they let us slide. I got to go all over with that team: Nashville, Australia, Dublin. I was the president for three years, which was pretty fantastic. It can be rough for a young person in the bear community, nothing against The Attic or Main Line Youth Alliance, etc. It’s just hard dealing with a sub-group of a sub-group. So at the time we developed a group for the 18-25 set to hang out and do non-drinking activities like bowling or movie nights. It was a predecessor of Happy Bear.
PGN: Random question: Which one of Snow White’s dwarves would you be? Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy or Dopey?
PC: I’d be Campy, Happy’s gay cousin.
PGN: If you could put any celebrity in leather, whom would you choose?
PC: Mike Pence, I’d have him in one of those “Exit to Eden” outfits. Rosie O’Donnell would have him on a leash and harness, à la Chevy Chase in the ‘90s movie.
PGN: A favorite travel adventure?
PC: I’d say when I went to West Africa and traveled to the small village that my mom had visited when she was in the Peace Corps. It was really transformative.
PGN: What’s an award that you’ve won that makes you proud?
PC: I’m really, really proud of the Lax Scholarship I won in 2002 and 2003. It really facilitated me being able to go to school. And in 2008 I won “Most Valuable Player” on the rugby team, which made me cry. But one of my favorites is not something I won. For years my dad came to every single rugby match, so when we had our 10-year anniversary, the team gave him an award for “Biggest Fan.” Gloria Casarez was there and it was very touching.
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