“Duck Dynasty” is a gift that keeps on giving for the antigay right. In case you’re like me and don’t care about a “reality” show about a rich duck-hunting family, I’ll fill you in. Phil Robertson, a.k.a. Daddy Duck, said some hateful things about “homosexuals” and “blacks” in a GQ interview. A&E, which airs “Duck Dynasty,” suspended Robertson. And the right-wing universe went wild with misinformed arguments about freedom of speech. Robertson’s suspension was short-lived, however, because A&E likes money. So he’s back on the show. Which has greatly pleased the antigay (and anti-duck, if you think about it) crowd because it’s victory or something. But hey, it’s not like anyone is claiming that God was speaking through Robertson. Because that would be a whole new level of insanity. Enter insane person Janet Porter of Faith2Action, who claims that the whole Robertson fiasco was a big win for antigay Christians. “This is the turning point, thanks to the courage of Phil Robertson,” Porter said, according to CNSNews. “The tide has turned against the homosexual agenda, and the message is that the only way to keep our freedom is to use it.” Huh. So a faux-reality personality being fake-suspended from his fake show means Porter’s team is winning? Is Porter playing the same game as the rest of the country? But wait, there’s more. Robertson wasn’t spewing ignorant garbage. God was working through him. “God uses the unlikely to confound the wise,” Porter told CNSNews, clearly the confounded one here. “I love how God can use somebody — it doesn’t matter what area they are in,” she continued. “He used his God-given talent to come up with a duck call that leads to the number-one cable show and he suddenly has more prominence and influence and a bigger platform than any football star. And all America rises up to stand with him.” First of all, “all America” did not “[rise] up to stand with him.” But all the America Porter cares about did, which might be the only America she is aware of if she thinks her side is on the right side of history when it comes to civil rights for LGBT people.
Secondly, maybe God loves the dirty talk, but I am suspicious that God made the following words usher forth from Robertson’s lips: “It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking, There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes!” Yeah, dudes! Come on … into a vagina for Jesus? I mean, sure Robertson said being gay was a sin and all of that, but does Porter really think he’s the vessel for a message from the Lord? Robertson’s comments reminded me of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s recent statement to the press regarding a variety of allegations against him. “Oh and the last thing was [former staffer] Olivia Gondek, it says that I wanted to eat her pussy,” he said. “I’ve never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.” I mean, if all one has to do to be a hero of the right is to be a man proclaiming how much you love to sex vaginas, why isn’t Ford getting the same hero treatment? After all, as Porter claims, God works in mysterious ways. D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.