Lately, Sam is running all the time. He feels like he does 200 percent of the work in his relationship. Sam feels exhausted and sad, and he often thinks, “If only Abe would stop drinking, then life would be great.”
Life isn’t great, however. Sam and Abe have financial troubles; Abe has missed work and risks losing his job. Sam has also been late or called in sick to take care of Abe’s “emergencies.” He’s grown used to Abe stumbling in the door at night, loud and unfriendly — or loud and over-friendly — only to thud upstairs and collapse into bed. Once more, Sam quietly brushes his teeth and gets into bed with a “dead person.”
In the morning, Abe may not remember their interaction. Sam tries to talk with him about it, but Abe can be grumpy and hostile, and somehow Sam feels like the conversation always turns the blame around onto him. Sam is growing tired. He has been embarrassed one too many times. He’s been “literally” holding up Abe’s weight as they excuse themselves from parties and other social gatherings. He’s been cleaning up messes, texting and checking and thinking about Abe practically all the time. When he’s not thinking about Abe, he is thinking about Abe’s drinking. People who know Sam ask, “Why do you stay?”
It’s an excellent question.
Why do you stay? How do you stay? When a loved one has some form of addiction, whether it involves drugs, alcohol, sex or the Internet, it has an enormous impact on the people around them ‘ and obviously the closer you are, the greater the impact. Maybe it’s not your romantic partner; it could be a brother or a sister, a child or a parent. But in any relational system, if one person has an addiction, then everyone around them is affected.
For example, if your sister has as an addiction, then it’s likely that a lot of family attention is focused on her behavior, and this affects you because you worry about her, people lean on you in a crisis and your needs are simply discounted, because there is not enough room in an addictive system to take care of anyone else.
People involved in an addictive system may not even be able to imagine what it’s like to not have a crisis. Even when things seem quiet, there is a lurking fear that it won’t be long before the next disaster occurs. On top of this, there is often a sense of embarrassment that every member of the system feels connected to the addict’s behavior. It can be painful to admit that the behavior of someone close to you is out of control or that it is negatively impacting you. We tend to think that “other people don’t have these problems.” We take responsibility for all the craziness, while extending great efforts to hide the fact that we need help.
When you’re in an addictive relationship, it’s very important to be able to look at yourself honestly and ask why it is that you are involved in this particular situation — in what ways could your own behavior be contributing to what’s going on? Are you in some way enabling the addictive behavior by covering up for your loved one, making excuses, allowing yourself to be manipulated? These are not easy questions to pose, or to answer, but having the courage to address them is often the first step in working toward a positive change.
Another good question to ask is, How has the behavior of my loved one affected me? There are a number of answers, but they tend to follow a pattern. Often, people who are in a relationship with addicts (this includes adult children of people in addiction) seek perfection in their lives. They may keep constantly busy, and often have a need to control things. They are often hard workers (remember Sam’s 200 percent) and dedicated caretakers, and may find these qualities are rewarded in their professional lives. Where they may fall short is in their ability to self soothe, or relax. They may find it challenging to even think of taking care of themselves. They may feel angry and hurt a lot of the time. They may be thinking, If only I were different, my addicted partner (or brother/sister/parent) would change. This last thought is interesting, because although we cannot control another person’s behavior, there is some truth to the notion that, if one person within a system changes, then the whole system changes. When someone involved with an addicted individual begins to practice self-care strategies and removes their focus from the addiction — detaches themselves from the craziness — change often does occur.
With that in mind, here are some strategies for coping with an addicted loved one:
Understand that addiction is an illness. When someone’s parents have issues with substance dependency, they are more likely to become addicted themselves. It’s not guaranteed, of course; we all have the ability to choose our actions, and environment certainly factors in as well. But they may have a greater tendency toward addictive behavior, so it’s important to be aware of this. Contrary to what some people think, addiction goes beyond a simple lack of willpower. A person with an addiction will continue their behavior in spite of risks to health and wellbeing because of changes in the brain that affect their ability to control cravings.
Learn everything you can about addiction. Go to a support group, read books and find articles from reliable sources. Learn strategies for coping (such as detachment). Allow the addicted person in your life to make his or her own mistakes, rather than you stepping in as the “clean-up” crew.
Realize you are not alone, and get help. A support group can be an effective way of tackling the challenges you face in the relationship on several levels. You may find it helpful to be around people who understand what you’re dealing with, and can offer a sympathetic and non-judgmental ear when you need to unload. You may find practical advice on how to address specific behaviors or problems from other people who are going through, or have experienced, similar things.
Individual therapy can also provide support as you make important changes in your life, such as setting and maintaining boundaries; thinking about your personal needs; and coping with guilt, anxiety or depression as a result of being in a relationship with an addicted person. Individual therapy can also help you to learn and practice effective communication. A qualified therapist can work with you as you attempt to answer those critical initial questions about why and how you continue the relationship.
Take care of YOU. As much as possible, it’s important to continue your normal activities. Maintain your valuable connections with friends and other family members, keep up with your outside interests and social routines. Beyond this, you may need to dedicate some additional time to self-care. Things like meditation, exercise, good nutrition and plenty of sleep can all help you to cope with stress, including the stress of dealing with a loved one in addiction.
Don’t wait until the situation is unbearable. Confrontation is difficult for many of us, and it may be tempting to take a “wait-and-see” approach, in the hopes that things will get better on their own. When you’re dealing with addictive behavior, this is rarely the case. Please consider reaching out for help now, so you can avoid more serious problems down the road — and increase the odds of a positive outcome.
At Mazzoni Center, we offer both individual therapy and support groups, including groups for people who are in recovery. Recently we have added a group called “New Reflections,” which is focused specifically on the needs of partners, friends and family members of people who have issues of addiction. The group meets from 5-6 p.m. on Thursdays. It’s a free, drop-in group with the goal of giving people a venue to support each other as they share their experiences in a safe, LGBTQ-friendly environment. To learn more, contact Diane Gibfried, LCSW, at 215-563-0663 ext. 568, or visit www.mazzonicenter.org. And if you’re interested in individual therapy, contact Sean McNamara, our intake coordinator, at 215-563-0663 ext. 248.
Diane Gibfried, MSS, LCSW is a therapist at Mazzoni Center.