Nothing brings the creeps out of the woodwork like pro-marriage equality. The good news out of New York has gotten some people fired up. And by “fire” I mean, of course, hell-fire.
It comes as no surprise that Pat Robertson is one of the folks shouting that the sky is falling.
On a recent episode of “The 700 Club,” Robertson said that America was basically becoming Sodom. You know, that little city in the Bible that gays were totally gentrifying and making hip before God destroyed it?
I kid. Folks like Robertson love to point to the story in the Bible about Sodom to prove that God hates homos. It’s a misguided interpretation to say the least. If you don’t know the story of Sodom, here it is in a nutshell: This dude Lot lives in the city of Sodom and lets a couple of angels crash at his place for the night. His neighbors freak and surround his house because they want to rape the angels. So Lot says, “No dudes, that is way uncool. Take my virgin daughters instead.” Lot was a good host, but maybe not the best dad — but the neighbors are still freaking out. Then God’s all like, “WTF?” and gives Lot and his family a head start before he destroys the whole city. Oh, and Lot’s wife gets turned into a salt lick for deer.
In any case, this is, in essence, where America’s headed, according to Robertson. “I think we need to remember the term sodomy came from a town known as Sodom and Sodom was destroyed by God Almighty and the thing that they practiced was homosexual activity,” he said, “and even they tried to rape angels who came down there, so that’s the kind of people they were.”
Thank you, Mr. Robertson, for the linguistics lesson. And I have to agree, angel rapists are the worst! But trying to say that the angel rapists of Sodom are akin to the gay couples of New York who want to get married is a bit of a stretch.
“[God] sent an angel down there and He said to Lot and his family, ‘get out now because I’m gonna destroy this whole area.’ That’s where sodomy came from, we use the term sodomy and it means Sodom. What’s it like?” Robertson continued.
Wait — “What’s it like?” Is Robertson asking what anal sex is like? Does he know his mic is on?
“We’re heading that way as a nation,” Robertson declared. “In history, there’s never been a civilization ever that has embraced homosexuality and turned away from traditional fidelity, traditional marriage, traditional child-rearing and has survived. There isn’t one single civilization that has survived that openly embraced homosexuality. So you say, ‘What’s going to happen to America?’ Well, if history is any guide, the same thing’s going to happen to us.”
Ah, yes. History as our guide. Just look at all of the civilizations that God put the smack down on after they were all, “We’re totally gay. Heterosexuality is for losers.” Because that’s totally what it means to “embrace” homosexuality. You either have exclusive heterosexuality or you have angel rapists in the street pounding down your door. There is no in-between.
“It’s not a pretty world we live in right now and we need all of God’s help we can get and I don’t think we’re exactly setting ourselves up for his favor,” Robertson said.
And Robertson’s no stranger to attributing tragedy to the gays and God’s wrath. No doubt the next natural disaster, no matter where in the world, whether it’s a hurricane, tornado, tsunami or a continent-swallowing giant squid, it’ll be all New York’s fault.
Here’s one thing I don’t understand about Robertson’s God. I’m no theologian, but if God can supposedly lift up the entire ocean and slam it down on a country because he’s pissed off, why can’t God stop two dudes in Times Square from saying “I do”?
I don’t know. Maybe God’s priorities and Robertson’s differ a bit.
D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.