This holiday season, we had to ask the in-laws to not visit for the first time.
It’s not that we’ve ever had a particularly strong relationship. While they were always standoffish, things got tense once I started transitioning, and my partner made it clear that they were going to stay with me. I was uninvited from family affairs, and the extended family went so far as to try to set my spouse up with a distant cousin one Christmas season.
Obviously, my partner declined and, while they have never gone to the various family holiday events, we have invited the parents and brother to visit with us during the holidays. It has been about as neutral an event as it could possibly be.
It’s always been tense, however. There have long been those slips when it came to my name and gender — which used to sting a lot in my early transition days — as well as the fact that I am still treated very differently by them when they do come to our home.
I always get the feeling like they’re trying to take pity on their poor daughter, stuck living with me, rather than having a, ahem, “normal” relationship with some nice man somewhere. They don’t seem able to quite grasp that my spouse is not particularly straight.
This year, however, we opted to cut this particular cord and, while it has been a long time coming, it was the election that finally did it. My spouse broached the subject last October about the election, trying to get them to consider a vote for Harris. No such luck. Dad was going to vote Republican because he always does, the mother-in-law said. She also added that, “no one will accept a woman as president.”
To my ears, none of this was particularly surprising. Our father-in-law is a lifelong conservative, and is now in his 90s. His opinions on such things ossified several decades ago, and I’m sure no amount of new information would change things. My own father was very similar.
Same with our mothers. I can recall my own mom opining about women running for president way back when Geraldine Ferraro ran with Walter Mondale in 1984. A woman would be too emotional to be president, she said, particularly during “certain times of the month.”
Yes, I could see how Donald Trump would never let his emotions get in the way of cool, rational decision-making.
After the election, and the re-election of Trump, we decided that this was the year for a break. Honestly, we didn’t want the topic to hang over the house like, well, out of season holiday decor, I suppose. We’re tired, we’re anxious, and we’ve been spending the last month doing things like setting up advanced Health Care Directives and such, in case, the next administration — and their friends at the Supreme Court and in Congress — attempt to re-litigate same-gender marriage.
It hurt my partner, even with years of relative subterranean drama, to hear they actively voted for an administration that has been clear about their views of trans and LGBTQ+ people. Even knowing that their reasons weren’t tied to anti-trans animus, per se, the fact of the matter is that they did, one way or another, vote for a presidential candidate who is willing to strip us both of our rights.
So, no, this year they get to stay home.
I decided to write about this because, well, I want to show a window into the experience many trans people are having this holiday season, knowing that we may be mere weeks before losing livelihoods when Trump axes transgender people in the military again, or when our identity documents are challenged, or when the medications we take are put out of our reach.
All of these are more than just empty fears, and all of these are expected as day-one moves by this incoming administration. Honestly, many of us can only hope that they end up challenged and tied up in courts for a while or that the general incompetence we saw in the first Trump administration works out to our advantage.
Meanwhile, we’ll be stockpiling medications, renewing passports and such, and getting all our vital paperwork in order. Heck, some of the luckier — and wealthier — folks may be able to get out of the country in time.
The in-laws were surprised by the move. To be honest, I don’t think they still fully grasp it. A Trump presidency is not likely to cause them a lot of trouble, at least not at first. They’ve tried to communicate a bit more, and even sent gifts — even though we expressly made it clear that we really did not want them. I’m sure the fancy bottle of garlic oil will taste good regardless, but it all seems meaningless.
All this said, I only ask this: if you have trans people in your lives, reach out to them. See if you can lend a hand. Maybe they could use a moment around friends and chosen family, as others let them down. Consider making concrete gestures of help and good will, because right now a lot of us aren’t feeling much of that in our lives.
And to my trans siblings, I know my story isn’t that dissimilar from a lot of what you are going through. Stay strong, and know that we’re stronger together — at every time of year.
Gwen Smith hopes 2025 isn’t as bad as it most surely will be. You’ll find her at www.gwensmith.com.