“I’m a Gay Man In Training. A British-born, American-raised singer/songwriter/actor/vocal coach who has a lot of skills and focuses on life. I love music and men, but most of all…it’s chocolate and Spider-Man for me.” That’s the intro on his social media that let me know I was in for a fun time with the many faceted fellow known simply as Ben. I met him at OURfest when my eye caught the funny and provocative shirts on display in his booth. Shirts like the “Star Wars”-inspired, “No, I am your Daddy” and “Proud, Homo-Sex-You ALL!” and “Drag Queens Read Fairy Tales Meanwhile Politicians Write Nightmares.” There were also a selection of T-shirts on display that were a little more adult in nature. In fact, you have to click an icon on his Thats Bearly Art website to affirm that you’re over 18 to buy them! I spoke with Ben about his art, apparel, and what motivates him to keep creating.
I don’t really hear much of an accent but I understand that you’re from across the pond.
I am, a bit of a multicultural background. Born in England and at 8 years old, the family moved to Sweden for my dad’s work. I have two younger brothers and I went to an International School, which was one of the best experiences of my life. I had classmates from all over the world, some learning English and all of us learning Swedish. About four years later, we moved to Philadelphia. I was 12 at the time and we were supposed to be here for two years. I’m 31 now and I’m still here!
Did you have an accent when you were young?
Big time. If I’m around my parents or had a little too much to drink, it comes out.
Tell me about the place where you spent those first years.
Very rural, we were in a small village. I like to say our neighbors were cows. There were a lot of thatched roof houses. I remember my friend’s family lived in a house that had a pub on the first floor and they lived above it. It was built before they started using measurements to make sure everything was at right angles, so the floors were slanted and uneven, and it had a straw roof on top. It was cool, very full of personality.
What’s the most British expression you’ve used?
I’ll say, “I’m knackered” some times. But mostly, I like to make up fake expressions that sound like they’re British but they’re absolutely not. I’ll say things like, “That meal was absolutely squiggly!” And my friends are like, “Wait, is that real saying or are you messing with us?”
Ha ha! Any memories from Sweden?
A real sense of freedom. Sweden, at least when we lived there, operated with the concept that the land doesn’t belong to anyone. So we would occasionally have people camping in the backyard. We’d sometimes bring them food and beverages and then they moved on. Public property is shared. As kids we had a small backyard, and then behind that was a rock wall which was the side of a mountain! When you climbed the mountain, you could look back and see over the roof of the house to the ocean. It was a forest covered mountain, and we’d spend hours exploring and playing fantasy games. It stretched so far we never found the end of our backyard.
What things were you into?
Spider-Man! Which I’m still into as an adult. I was very into superheroes and video games, Doctor Who, all the nerd culture things, anything imaginative or creative. And I loved performing. I was singing before I could talk. I went to university for musical theater and have always performed. When I moved to Philly, I participated in the Songbird singing competition at Tabu. I came in the top three. I also did some musical theater in the region and then kind of fell out of it. I like to consider myself a creative Jack-of-all-trades, so I did that, and then in 2017 I created a new LGBTQ+ based comedy web series called “Who The Eff Are These Guys?” I produced it and filmed it and edited it, you name it. I just wanted to try my hand. And now I’m doing digital art.
I meant to ask, how many languages do you speak? Can you speak Ikea?
Sadly, just English. I speak a little bit of Swedish, but the problem was that everyone in Sweden speaks English, so there was never a need to learn it. I wish now that I had. And the funny thing is I didn’t know that Ikea was Swedish until I moved here! I was in Ikea with my mother and as we’re walking through, I said, “Wait, why are things here in Philadelphia still written in Swedish?”
That is funny. You went to the same college as my brother, West Chester University. What was your major?
I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Theatre and a Minor in Music, and I graduated Cum Laude. But the best part was that I met my husband there on the first day of school.
Nice!
Yes, I came out young, when I was 14 years old. I had a supportive group of friends, but high school was not great. The thing that everyone, friends and even my parents, say to you when you’re going through it, is “It gets better,” but I didn’t believe it. And then my first day of college I met my now husband. So I guess they were right!
How did you meet?
I went to an LGBT alliance event. He was a senior, I was a freshman, and we were both involved in theater. I remember he had on a bright blue tee shirt with the Genie from Aladdin on it and was talking very loudly about Lady Gaga. I immediately thought, “Wow, he’s so handsome and full of personality!” I’ve always been attracted to older men [laughing]. I was into ‘daddies’ and ‘dad bods’ before it was cool. So I assumed that I wasn’t going to find anyone to date at college because they were all in my age range. I was used to being with someone seven to ten years my senior. At just three years older than me, he was the youngest person I’d ever been attracted to! But he’s an old man at heart.
You came out at 14. How’d that go?
I don’t know that I really knew I was gay until I moved to America. I’d never really been exposed to what gay was before that, not through any type of media, theater, or films before that. My parents are as supportive as they could be, they just didn’t know either. And I had no idea how they would respond, so I was scared. The only thing I had for reference was that when we moved to the US, we were in a cookie cutter house paid for by my dad’s company since we were only supposed to be here for a year. My mother hated the neighborhood, it didn’t have much personality, HOA’s and all that. There was a gay couple down the road and I remember my mom saying, “Those two men must be so brave to live in a neighborhood like this where so many people judge them.” And that’s the only gay reference I’d ever heard. When I started high school there was a senior who was out and proud, and I thought, “Well if he can do it, so can I.” So that week I came out to my best friends, and after that I came out to my parents in a text! I was too afraid to do it face to face. I was actually not even in the country. My mom’s response was, “Thank you for telling us, we love you. But I’m in a car on a bumpy road so it’s hard to text.” My dad is typically English in that he doesn’t show emotions, but we’ve had many conversations, and three years ago he bought a rainbow flag which now flies proudly outside their house.
It seems that high school senior was a role model for you, and I’m sure coming out at 14 you probably inspired other people.
That’s very nice of you to say. I never thought about it that way. In fact, I don’t feel confident in who I am most days. I think it’s why I love superheroes. They give me an ideal to strive for. I don’t often feel that I’m there, but if I’m reaching for it, at least I’ll land somewhere higher than where I was. I do feel more confident nowadays, but I still have days where I feel I don’t fit in. Do I belong in this community when I am a cisgender person who is very male presenting? Especially compared to my husband who is nonbinary, sometimes I feel I’m not queer enough.
Well, I think the fact that you’re a man with a husband puts you on the queer spectrum!
True, and I guess I deserve to be here just like anyone else! Especially coming out so young, I have seen my share of struggles.
Hey, listen, I had someone once tell me that I wasn’t gay enough and then when I said something about being out on the job, with my family and everywhere else, I found out that she was still in the closet! She thought because she was butch presenting she didn’t have to be out. I said, until you are ready to talk to your family about gay marriage, explain to your cousins why ‘That’s so gay!’ is inappropriate, insist on partner benefits at work, and all the things I have done, sit down.
Well, I have mentioned that I’m gay at every job interview I’ve ever had. If they have a problem with it, I don’t want to work there. And I’ve set up LGBT advocacy groups at my day job and been on their asses about lack of surrogacy coverage! I know that having the privilege that I have allows me to be in the room and to be that angry gay.
So see, you are a hero in your own right. So let’s talk about That’s Bearly Art and your mission with it.
We’re trying to raise money to become dads! I’ve always been a creative person, and I’ve been doodling in the sides of my notebook for years. A few years ago I decided to pursue art a little more. I started drawing pictures of friends in the style of their favorite cartoons. People started seeing them on social media and I started getting commissions. Then in October 2022 I did a set of queer Halloween designs, things like Dr. Spankenstein’s monster (ass out, red handprint on his rear), the Wearbear (instead of werewolf) who cruises in the woods, and Count Cockula! Silly, suggestive campy things. And people started asking me to put them on shirts and prints, and it began to become a little side hustle. I came up with the name, That’s Bearly Art, which is probably reflective of my self deprecation. I started creating new designs and now I have a website and an Etsy Store, but mostly I enjoy doing festivals and in person events. It’s been really validating to be in those spaces. And this year I vended at OurFest, where we met! It’s crazy to me that I’m a part of this huge event that I’ve gone to for years. How queer is that? It makes me feel like I have a place and a purpose in the community. And it’s helping put us one step closer, financially, to having a baby.
Bravo!
Yes, unfortunately, the world is not set up for us to do that and there are so many struggles and hoops queer people encounter, but hopefully I can also help raise awareness about the difficulties.
List a few of them.
First off, it’s shockingly expensive. People think, it’s easy, just adopt a child, you’re doing the world a favor. But no, it’s a long, hard and expensive journey and plenty of people don’t want queer people adopting kids. So you have to go through a long process with social workers, and at the end, there’s no guarantee you’ll end up with a child. We’ve heard horror stories of couples who get the nursery ready, go to the hospital, and the birth mother changes her mind. It’s heartbreaking.
That happened to some friends of mine.
It must be crushing. But we got lucky and some friends, a lesbian couple who had used IVF to get their kids, offered us their extra embryos. Was it more expensive than adopting, yes, but it offered us better legal protections and my husband really wanted to raise a child from an infant to have the whole experience.
Can you share some numbers?
For male/male couples, it’s the most expensive because you need an egg donor which raises the price astronomically, we’re talking about $150,000 – $175,000 range. So we thought that would never happen, but with the embryos, it drops to about $80,000. Adoption is about $60,000. It almost feels like Monopoly money with those insane figures. It was such a wonderful opportunity, we felt like we were ignoring fate if we didn’t say yes. We’ve been on the surrogacy wait list for two years and were just told that we’re now in active rotation. So we’re doing what we can and selling as much as we can to get ready.
I saw something on your blog about fat tax, what is that?
Yes! I didn’t create the term, but it’s important to know about. My husband is a bigger person, and when I started making shirts I noticed that it cost a lot more money to make shirts in a slightly larger size. I don’t think that’s right. For example, a small, medium or large shirt costs me $13, jump to a 4 or 5 XL and they want $23! For a little more fabric, come on! It’s ridiculous. I’m a lover of larger men. I’ve been into bears my whole life. I don’t want them to be penalized because of the size of their bodies, so I make a little more on the smaller shirts and a little less on the bigger shirts, but they’re all priced the same. It just feels like the right thing to do.
Nice. OK, random question time! What was the most trouble you got into when you were young?
I was never a friend of trouble. I was a good kid, to a fault. The one time I lied about something — taking a piece of my brother’s gum -— I broke down two days later and confessed in tears.
What’s your most meaningful family heirloom?
It’s not monetarily valuable but I have my grandfather’s hat. It’s like one of those old newsboy hats. He passed a few years ago, so I treasure it. Plus, I look terrible in hats, except for that one! It’s weathered and old and looks a-mazing.
Maybe you’ll have to start a line of That’s Bearly Art hats!