It’s getting worse, the polarization of this country. People choose sides on every single issue and rarely allow room for discussion or dissent or meaningful compromise. Social media is a big reason why. Very few people are going to become better human beings by using Twitter. There’s no growth to be had. Dialogues between users often result only in self-validation. The trending topics have nothing to do with education or improvement. And scrolling through news headlines will never be able to replicate actually reading an article or watching a broadcast, something that fewer and fewer people do nowadays.
It’s not only social media applications that are making us this way, but the larger, trickle down effects of the internet and digital communication. It’s hard to understand someone based solely on text on a screen. Too much of human communication happens nonverbally. When we see other people talk, we notice their expressions and intonations; we notice when they pause to think or when they take a breath; we notice small things that we might not even fully comprehend, but which are important signals nonetheless.
Oftentimes, when we see other people talk, we can tell, usually by something nonverbal, that they are not a threat to us, that our fight or flight response is not necessary. They might say something we don’t agree with, but they might have also paused in a way that indicates they are trying to be thoughtful, or they might have used a tone that indicates they want to learn more. Or they might have indicated that they simply don’t know what they’re talking about, in which case, it becomes easier to just let it go. But all that is nearly impossible to gauge from online communication.
On social media, when a person reads a comment from someone that they might not agree with, they shift into defensive mode, into fight or flight mode. A lot of times, it’s fight mode, and they join the chorus of the other discontents to make sure that the commenter knows: you’re wrong and you always will be. (We’d probably be better off if the default human response to social media anger was, simply, flight mode. Just log off and do something better with your day.)
Also on social media, it’s too easy to post an opinion, see the number of “likes” rise and rise and rise, and think you’re firmly in the right. It’s too easy to follow only organizations and individuals that you agree with and nothing else. And it’s certainly too easy to think that posting on social media is a substitute for activism or for building community.
We’ve forgotten how to truly communicate with each other. More importantly, we’ve forgotten what communication actually is: the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings. The key word being “successful.” If you haven’t successfully conveyed your idea, you have not communicated. It’s safe to say, then, that social media is not a communication tool. Not at all.
Yes, the pandemic threw a wrench into face to face communication, and it has made the polarization we are living with unequivocally worse. But we were heading this way long before Covid. All Covid did was speed things up. Now, the main concern is how we can make our internet selves better. Better cameras, better group chat functions, better avatars, more characters on Twitter, faster scrolling on Instagram. Block, mute, unfollow.
A lot of divisions are happening within the LGBTQ community, and the lines are as you might expect: generational, racial, economic, educational, and political. We are as diverse as every other community in this country, (yes, LGBTQ Republicans are still a part of the LGBTQ community), and thus we suffer from the same problems affecting every other community in this country. We’re growing apart from everybody but our closest allies. We’re not becoming better people through an exchange of perspectives and ideas. We’re not truly listening or truly communicating with anybody who does not share our worldview. And the reason is, sadly, that we haven’t needed to. Social media, and the internet in general, leads us to believe that communication is, merely, conveying our ideas and feelings. This is what I think; done. But sharing your opinion does not automatically mean that the other person understands what you’re trying to say.
Let’s repeat that: sharing your opinion does not automatically mean that the other person understands what you’re trying to say.
We need to work on learning how to communicate again, and we need to communicate with people outside of our comfort zones. The internet is a poor place to do either of those things.
So as we attempt to emerge from Covid lockdowns, we should use it as an opportunity to return to meaningful conversation, to the successful conveying of feelings. And please, please, please try to do it with a person who does not agree with everything you think. Here’s a goal: try to have an actual conversation, in the near future, with somebody who does not agree with you on the trans sports issue. Don’t just post a few lines of anger on someone’s social media.
Such communication, especially on the tough subjects, is the only way we’re going to make any progress as individuals and, equally importantly, as a community who has always fought to be understood.