My youngest sister just got married. To a man. Though she’s chosen the heterosexual lifestyle, I accept her.
I visited my local Hallmark store to get the couple a wedding card. I looked and looked, but every card either had two brides or two grooms.
So I asked the cashier where I could find a one-man-one-woman wedding card.
“Oh, we don’t have those!” she said loudly, her eyes nervously sweeping the store. After she was sure no other customers were near, she pulled out a tattered box from under the counter.
“Quick,” she whispered, “if the owner finds out about these, I’m done for.”
I started browsing through the clandestine collection. She grabbed my hand.
“There’s no time!” she hissed.
With that, she grabbed a random card and put it face down on the counter. She’d no sooner stowed the box when the chimes above the door announced the arrival of a new customer. She reacted to the sound as if it were an explosion, flinching and audibly gasping. She was covered with a sheen of perspiration.
“Gosh,” she said loud enough for the man who’d just entered to hear. “This is a great homosexual wedding card you’ve chosen.”
The man glanced up from a display of decorative hand towels, his hand resting on one that read, “There’s no such thing as too much butter.”
When the man resumed browsing, the cashier said, “I’ll bet the same-sex couple you’re buying this card for is going to love it. I just love gay weddings.”
She gave me a not-at-all subtle wink.
“Uh, thanks,” I said.
“THAT’LL be $4,” she said while sliding me a slip of paper that read, “Actually, it’s $20. Cash only.”
I was about to protest the exorbitant charge, but she put a finger to her lips, eyes locked on the browsing man. He’d picked up a snow globe with “Frozen” movie characters inside and was shaking it vigorously.
“You wanna take your chances somewhere else, be my guest,” she whispered, her tone threatening.
I handed over the money. She put the card in a paper bag, put that bag into another paper bag, then folded over the top and sealed it with four Gold Crown stickers. She completed the job with two staples.
“Don’t open this until you’re in your car,” she said, lips barely moving.
“OK,” I said, confounded. Then it hit me.
“Wait,” I said. “Are you a friend of Dorothy?”
“Over the rainbow and out,” she replied. It was a classic Homosexual Agenda code.
“I had no idea!” I said, and we both laughed. Her shoulders relaxed a little. “We just got Chick-fil-A, now Hallmark? What’s next, Hobby Lobby?”
Chick-fil-A, of course, now only sells chicken sandwiches to the LGBTQ community.
“Do we have the Hallmark Channel, too?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied. “In fact, they’re currently remaking their 2012 movie “A Bride for Christmas.” They’re keeping Arielle Kebbel but are replacing Andrew Walker’s character with Portia de Rossi.”
“I can see it,” I said. “I can’t wait to watch that with my wife.”
“I’m kind of partial to the original,” she said, looking down at the floor.
“It’s OK,” I said. “Heterosexuals need movies, too. I’m sure you can get it on DVD.”
“What makes you think I’m heterosexual?” she asked nervously. “I never said that.”
It was my turn to whisper now.
“Hey, I’m not heterophobic. I have straight friends. My sister is marrying a man for goodness sakes!” I glanced behind me to make sure no one was within earshot. “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”
And with that, I tapped my heels together and disappeared in a haze of rainbow smoke.
Back in my car, I checked my phone. I opened the Homosexual Agenda app, which is cleverly disguised with the Home Depot icon. Sure enough, an alert.
“Scott Lively uncovers latest takeover,” it read.
“Scott Lively, president of Abiding Truth Ministries, appears to have knowledge about the complete and total takeover of the Hallmark Channel.” Apparently, a Hallmark higher-up leaked to the Hollywood Reporter, and Lively demanded that Hallmark clarify. Hallmark tried to stall with an unspecific answer, knowing that Homosexual, Inc had not yet announced the news.
“Their answer to these demands is a little vague and kind of concerning, especially in light of just what’s happened with Chick-fil-A,” Lively told One News Now Dec. 9.
“We just don’t want to see wishy-washy in the face of this kind of pressure because of so many pro-family organizations that have capitulated in the past,” Lively continued. “It’s killing us as a movement to have people in the business world who won’t stand firm on family values.”
That is, of course, the plan. Our agenda may be gay, but it’s based on ruthless capitalism. I couldn’t believe that Lively was onto us again. He’d called the Chick-fil-A takeover in 2014!
I took out the card I’d bought. On the front was a rainbow, Cinderella and Prince Charming dancing heterosexually below it. I then remembered that Lively had written a book titled “Redeeming the Rainbow: A Christian Response to the ‘Gay’ Agenda.” Oh, the irony.
“How do you do it, Scott?” I wondered. “How ever do you do it?”
D’Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.