“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”
— Daniel J. Boorstin
Love may be personal but learning “how to love” is a subject this week’s profile Nefartari Sloan knows something about. Sloan joined the education team at Mazzoni Center in January and, as part of a special in-school program, has been teaching the kids of Philadelphia about topics like consent, body positivity, sex and tech, sexual and gender identity, STD prevention and bullying.
NS: Hey, I just found out that you interviewed one of my coworkers, Tasha Wirth, a while back.
PGN: Oh yeah, with the Penn Jersey Roller Derby team. She went by the name Mar’ge Equality. She was fun. Do you derby too?
NS: No, no, I don’t do anything remotely athletic. I’m not a sports fan: too dangerous and exerting for me. I support all forms of activity if someone is so inclined, it’s just not my lifestyle choice.
PGN: So you’re the proverbial athletic supporter.
NS: [Laughs] Yes!
PGN: Your bio states “Born in Atlanta, Georgia, raised in Philadelphia, and a gleaming product of Bucks County Children & Youth Services.” I understand that you were an English major, so I’ll use my big word for you: Elucidate.
NS: Sure! I didn’t spend much time in Georgia; I moved when I was about 4 and spent most of my youth in the Philadelphia area. My mother died of breast cancer when I was 4 and I ended up in what’s called Kinship Care: DHS’s first choice if you’re entering the system. They want to keep you as close to the family as possible. So, I stayed with my grandmother, I stayed with a couple of aunts and uncles and when that didn’t really work out, I got transferred into the foster-care system. I was in different youth shelters, group homes, foster homes, so on and so forth most of my life.
PGN: What made you choose to study English?
NS: I loved books. I loved reading. I was a little bit of a grammar nazi in high school but I’m trying to step away from that.
PGN: Please don’t! We need more of that; too many of our kids don’t know basic grammar!
NS: Yes, but I’ve learned that everyone is just not going to have the same verbal and vocabulary experience that you have, so it’s like, OK, I’m not going to yell at someone for not properly using a conjunction instead of trying to understand where they’re coming from. It might be different if I was a regular teacher, but not when I’m there just for a class or two. [Laughs] I do have to check myself often. But I digress … I wanted to get into publishing. It’s a dying art now but I had a few interviews in New York with Simon & Shuster. Then I got to talk with some editors and I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted to do at all. It entails a lot of time alone and I’m a very social person; they have deadlines that they have to beat for books they might not enjoy and it becomes more of a chore than about the pleasure of reading. So I decided to just read my books on my own and find something else to do. I picked up an LGBT minor in the hopes of going to law school and took a class about detention centers for undocumented immigrants. I found that a lot of trans immigrants were being abused in the centers so I wanted to become an advocate for them. I took my LSAT and was all ready and life threw another curveball. I found I didn’t have the temperament for the competitive law-school environment. I was not going to steal books from the library so that others couldn’t study and do better than me. It wasn’t the type of battle I was ready or willing to fight. Then I got hired by Mazzoni, and it’s fantastic.
PGN: What is it that you do with Mazzoni?
NS: I’m a community health educator and my job is essentially to go to high schools and middle schools around Philadelphia and teach a program that we call “How to Love.” It’s basically sex-ed for youth 13-24. It covers a bunch of different topics in our healthy sexuality series such as anatomy, knowing their bodies, healthy relationships, reproduction and birth control, information on STDs, you name it. I essentially go into schools as a guest during a health period or social-studies class and do an hour-long presentation. Depending on the school, I may do all 10 sessions or just a few to focus on one particular area. I like when we’re able to do multiple programs so I can build a rapport with the kids. That way they feel comfortable about asking me questions as we get into it. It enables them to feel better about coming to me with any questions or problems they might have. I’m on several different platforms of social media like Instagram and Twitter so that they can reach me if they want. If you want to communicate with younger people, you have to meet them where they are.
PGN: What are some of the myths that kids have about sex that you have to debunk?
NS: It’s very interesting because I go into schools and have situations that are varied: There may be students who have never engaged in sex at all to kids who are much more further along than their peers may be aware of. Most of the misconceptions are typical, things they hear from each other and pass on, that you can’t get pregnant from having sex the first time or that you won’t get an STD from going to a tattoo party and sharing instruments. But I think the most jarring question I got was from a seventh-grade class. One of the students asked, “Why are women so afraid of getting pregnant when they can just get an abortion?” It was clear that there was someone in this child’s life who used it as a method of addressing a pregnancy and I had to go into the depth and difficulty that an abortion takes and the controversies around it. It wasn’t my place to say whether it was wrong or right but it was important to make them aware that it’s not an easy thing to do or choice to make. It’s very eye-opening. Another thing that happens is when they don’t realize that they’re using derogatory terms. Like when talking about sexual orientation and they’ll casually use “faggot” and “dyke” and I have to pause and say, “Hey guys, just so you know, this is not really a term that’s OK for you to use if you’re not a part of the community. Some people may identify that way themselves, but it’s not OK for you to use.” But then I’ll use a word like “homosexual” and they’ll tell me that that’s a mean thing to say about a person. So it’s funny, culturally there are certain words they hear often so they think it’s OK, and often they don’t even mean to be offensive.
PGN: It must be interesting talking to kids about such sensitive topics. Kids tend to deal with uncomfortable subjects through humor so I imagine there’s a lot of giggling.
NS: Yes, and that’s normal. I certainly don’t remember having someone talk to me about sex in school. There’s nothing mandatory in the state of Pennsylvania or nationwide, and there’s nothing to ensure that we’re medically accurate or inclusive of LGBT information. This program is unique. I don’t think anyone else in the city does it. A hard part is trying to make schools realize this program is for everyone, not just the LGBT students. There are times when I show up and the school nurse will have picked out kids she thinks are lesbian or gay or different and stuck them in a room and I have to explain that’s not the way it works. I’m there to talk to everyone. Or they think I’m there to set up a GSA and I’m like, “Nope, I’m happy to refer someone to do that but this is a presentation to help educate and create an inclusive environment for everyone.”
PGN: What’s the most challenging question you’ve been asked?
NS: Not a question but I had a student with a learning disability. She had a [teaching assistant] with her and was the only one who raised her hand with a question, which I appreciated. Her question was, “Why is sex so painful?” It was really jarring and my first instinct was to think that she was being taken advantage of, when the reality was that it was wrong to assume that certain people, just because they had handicaps, shouldn’t be seen as sexual beings. But of course what runs through your head is, OK, is this person able to consent? Are they a minor? Do I need to investigate this further? Am I feeling uncomfortable talking about it with this person because of my own personal biases? It’s a difficult thing to negotiate.
PGN: I’m sure. So, when you’re not talking to the kids, what do you do?
NS: I actually have a second job as a food runner at Morimoto’s. It’s a great gig but I end up working about 65-70 hours a week between the two. So in my time off, sleeping is a great hobby. I like to run so I’m training to do a 5k. And I like going out, being in the thick of things. The Gayborhood’s a fun place to be. Because of my history as a foster kid, I find my support is from my friend groups.
PGN: Tell me more about your experience as a foster kid.
NS: I’ll say my experience was not typical. You hear about abuse and neglect but I don’t have any complaints. I think because Bucks County has more funds, there were better resources, more accountability and better follow-through once the child was placed. I did well in a structured environment, rules and a point system where if you do this you can get that. I did well academically and it was something I could take pride and refuge in. When home life wasn’t too great, I had school. I actually graduated high school two years early when I was 16. Normally at 18, you age out of the system and you’re on your own but in Bucks County, if you’re in secondary education maintaining a C average and working eight hours a week, they’ll help pay for your rent, your food and books; they even helped me get my first car. Unfortunately, I had friends who went through DHS in Philadelphia and as soon as they turned 18, they had to fend for themselves. At 21, I aged out but fortunately because I started early, I’d already graduated from college by then. Thanks to the Bucks County system and other scholarships and grants, I only had $1,600 in debt. That was it! By the time I graduated, I was set up for success.
PGN: Were you primarily with one family?
NS: No, I never stayed anywhere longer than one to two years. When I was 15, I moved out of my uncle’s house and stayed in a youth center in Warminster. After that, I stayed with an amazing foster family. She was an Italian woman who was just wonderful, a great listener. They took me to see colleges, helped me get my first job, they were really so supportive. When I went to college, I wasn’t allowed to live on campus because I was too young so I stayed at a group home nearby.
PGN: Your mom died when you were 4. Where did you go first?
NS: I lived with my grandmother for a couple of years, then with my dad, then with an aunt in Germantown for five years — that was the longest stay — but unfortunately her husband passed away and she already had three kids to support so I went to my maternal uncle’s home in Bucks County for two years.
PGN: You’re almost like an Army brat, moving every few years with new friends and new schools.
NS: Kind of, lots of changes of scenery and people for sure.
PGN: How has that affected your persona?
NS: It’s definitely made me adaptable. I’m good at problem solving. I’m a bit of a control freak and like knowing what the next move is going to be. Ultimately, it’s also given me a chance to meet a lot of different kinds of people from different ways of life and seeing that variety of humanity has been eye-opening and helpful. It puts things in perspective: There’s always someone who’s going through something worse than you.
PGN: So what was your favorite toy as a kid?
NS: I played the viola for about five months in ninth grade and when I moved, my aunt and uncle would not let me take lessons. There wasn’t enough time in the day. That winter, I got a little fake violin from my best friend and I loved it. All you did was put the bow on it and it played a tune. Someday I will learn to play for real!
PGN: Color you like to wear?
NS: Green! I look fabulous in green!
PGN: The award for best actor goes to …
NS: Gary Oldman. He’s incredible because he’s one of those guys that is in a film and you don’t know it’s him until the credits roll. He so inhabits the characters, he disappears. I think that’s the mark of a true actor.
PGN: Did you have a blanket or stuffed animal?
NS: Still do, Sleepy Bear. My cousin gave him to me and I’ve had him since I was 8 years old. I make sure to take him wherever I go.
PGN: Early sign you were gay?
NS: I actually did not identify as a lesbian until I was about 18. For a long time I was an ally. I was in all the queer student unions and groups, had gay friends, and at the time, in college, I had a boyfriend. All my friends were like, “Come on Tari, you’re gay, just come out already!” But I was like, “No, y’all are cool but that’s just not me.” And then I fell in love with a woman who was a customer at the Wawa where I worked the overnight shift. So I was like, “OK, y’all! I’m dating a girl!” and their response was, “Duh, we’ve been telling you all along you were gay.” I guess they knew before I did but at no point did I ever feel like I was in denial. I never felt any desire for women until that one person came into my life and flashed her pearly whites and I was done.
PGN: What’s the farthest you’ve traveled?
NS: Canada. I drove up with one of my best friends for a Bruno Mars concert and it was amazing. But next week I’m going to Thailand, which will be my first overseas trip. Me and some friends from high school are going together to celebrate our decade of friendship. I’m super-looking forward to it. When I go, I go big!
For more information about Mazzoni Center’s How to Love program, visit https://www.mazzonicenter.org/youth/peer-support-and-leadership-development/how-love.
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