Danielle Shade, 19, endured a full year of conversion therapy before even graduating high school.
Shade was adopted from Yekaterinburg, Russia, by an American family when she was very young. She grew up in Philadelphia and primarily attended Abington schools.
At the age of 12, Shade came out to her friends and family as gay. The response was mostly positive. However, at 14, Shade came out again, this time as transgender.
“They [her parents] didn’t take it well,” Shade said. “It was easier to come out as gay than transgender. It created a lot of conflict in our house, and I was dealing with a lot of stress. My father especially did not accept it.”
After years of tension between Shade and her parents, she awoke early one morning to find that her life had changed. Two men stood by her bed. Shade refers to these men as “transporters,” who promptly took her away to a conversion camp in Utah.
Shade’s most prominent memories of Utah consist of abuse and neglect. She said she was made to feel inadequate.
“I felt like I needed to change who I was to meet other people’s standards — the standard of me not being myself, and being forced to live as a male,” she said.
Upon arriving in Utah, her head was shaved and the therapy began. Among other things, Shade was left in a forest in the middle of the night, forced to find her way back through the dark with little sense of direction. She also had to sleep with the lights on and faced consequences if she covered her face.
Escaping was no easy feat. Shade endured most of the therapy, which consisted of three programs. The first two did not allow any contact with the outside world. In the third, she was granted Internet access. She seized the opportunity and created a GoFundMe page. She raised money from friends and anyone else who happened upon the page. Eventually she amassed enough money to pay for a flight back from Utah.
“I think what got me through the program the most was knowing who I was and that no one is going to make me change,” Shade said. “God put me on this earth just like he put everybody else. Everybody’s equal, and everybody deserves to wake up and be themselves. When you’re forced not to be yourself, you push 10 times harder to reach that goal. That’s what I hold onto.”
After her experience in Utah, Shade has taken a strong stance on the issue of conversion therapy.
“It doesn’t change the person,” she said. “ As you can see, I’m back to living the way I feel like I was always meant to. Conversion therapy just delays the process of transitioning.”
Shade said she is hopeful that her parents will come around. They are making slow progress towards understanding their daughter. Recently, Shade even attended church with her family, presenting as a woman.
“They’ve learned that this is the way it’s going to be,” she said.
Despite countless hardships, Shade keeps a positive attitude. She presents herself with confidence.
“My confidence probably comes from my own opinion and viewpoint of myself,” she said, stating that she never lets other people’s opinions bother her.
In high school, Shade dreamed of working at a beauty counter. She still wants to pursue this dream, and plans to attend school for beauty. She hopes to move back to the Philadelphia area and further her relationship with her parents.
Eliana Berson, 16, is a junior at Abington Senior High School. She is considering a college degree in English or social studies, with a minor in musical theater.