I love a good parade and/or festival — especially a Pride event! Sadly, there’s a long gap between Philadelphia Pride festivities in June and OutFest in October. But have no fear: Our neighbors across the river have come to the rescue.
Founded by the fabulous DeAnn Cox, Southern New Jersey LGBTQ Pride takes place Sept. 11 at Cooper River Park. If you haven’t been, the festival is a fun and relaxed event with vendors, live performers and a family-friendly atmosphere. Guests are encouraged to picnic or barbecue in the park, BYOG (Bring Your Own Grill). This year, look forward to performances by Nikki Powerhouse, Carl Max as Whitney Houston, Rasta Boi Punany, the crew from LesBeReal Radio Talk, DJ Deluxx and many more!
We spoke to longtime Pride volunteer and sponsor Ron Potochar. An industrial engineer by day and a spiritual leader by … well, not by night, but 24/7. Potochar found his calling early on and delights in giving back to the community.
PGN: You’re originally from Freehold, N.J.?
RP: Yes, and I still live there in the house I grew up in. My father got sick and passed away two years ago and I moved back home to help out. An interesting fact: My husband Damon’s father passed away last year and he moved in with his mother so, even though we’re married, between jobs and family commitments, we’ve never lived together full-time. It can be tough but it’s what works for us right now.
PGN: Was it sudden with your father?
RP: Yeah, he was having trouble swallowing and when we got it checked it turned out he had esophageal cancer. He had surgery and had most of his esophagus removed. He was feeling better and we thought we got it all but then he grew lumps all over and we found the cancer had spread everywhere to the point of no return. We didn’t want to put him through any more treatments; we just wanted his remaining time to be comfortable. It was a rough time but it was also a period of tremendous growth. I was glad to be able to offer some guidance and support.
PGN: The diagnosis must have been close to your wedding. Was your father able to go? [Pauses] Hello? Oops, I think we lost the connection.
RP: No, I’m here. I just needed a moment. It was a tremendous experience for me, as well as for him. I found out after he died how much it meant to him and how proud he was. [Voice breaks] We struggle through life and not being accepted and then to have him there to see me married and happy and loved … He was a quiet, strong person but he was there for me. And it was a wonderful thing to have people come up to me after he passed and tell me how proud he was of me. I was never told that when he was alive so it was a tremendous gift. [Laughs] Oh gosh, I didn’t mean to get all emotional so soon!
PGN: No worries. Tell me about growing up in Freehold.
RP: I’m the baby of the family with two brothers and two sisters. We actually lived in Freehold Borough, not the city, and it was a big melting pot — a mini New York in that we had more affluent people on the outskirts and inside we had a lot of working-class residents: white, black, Latino, Asian, all different kinds of religions. It was 1.7-square miles with about 15 different churches. I appreciated growing up seeing and having positive experiences with all different kinds of people. There was a special, enriched culture all around us.
PGN: What is Potochar?
RP: It’s Slovakian. I’m pretty much a mix of Polish, German and Slovakian. My paternal grandfather came through Ellis Island from Slovakia and settled in the coal-mining section of Pennsylvania.
PGN: As the youngest of five, give me a fun story about your siblings.
RP: During the summer, my father would get off of shift work and we’d all be just hanging out when all of a sudden he’d say, “OK, pack your bags!” and we’d all hop into the station wagon and drive down to North Carolina on a spontaneous vacation. We’d all be in the way back where the seats look out behind you and, of course, there were fights, especially between the boys. That was before we worried about seat belts or car seats so there was room to rumble. My older brother would pick on the next-oldest brother and he’d in turn pick on me. But we’d also play games and talk and watch life go by out the window. They were great memories.
PGN: Tell me about mom.
RP: She’s a tough cookie. She’s retired now. She and my dad were together for 54 years when he passed. Neither of my parents went to school past ninth or 10th grade. She was the oldest of four and had to quit school to watch her siblings so her parents could work. She was always a mother figure from early on. Once I was in school, though, she got a job as a glazier, which traditionally was a man’s job, and did that for 30 years.
PGN: Wow, a trailblazer. You were raised Catholic?
RP: Yes, I always felt a connection to God, even as a kid. I remember my mother telling me to hush because I’d be reciting the text along with the preacher. In college I got more into it; I guess I was a trailblazer too since I went to an HBC [Historically Black College]. It wasn’t until my 20s that I discovered and got involved with Liberation Theology. I started with Unity Fellowship Church in Brooklyn in 1997 and then moved onto New Brunswick where I was ordained a deacon. I act as an independent; I don’t like being affiliated with a particular church.
PGN: Why is that important to you?
RP: I like to be out among people, I don’t like to be confined within four walls. I’ve had Christians who tried to tell me, “You need to be under someone, to be affiliated with an established church,” but that’s not how I work with my ministry. I’m on the board of different nonprofits and that’s where I put my energy: the Lionel Lee Jr. Center for Wellness, which I’ve been with since the beginning — they just celebrated 10 years — and the Emancipation Foundation, which works to eradicate human trafficking. In addition, we’ve been involved with DeAnn Cox and South Jersey Pride, doing everything from helping with setup to Damon’s gospel group, The Relationship, performing at the event. They recently won the Out Music Award. For me, something as simple as giving someone a smile, saying thank you or asking about their day can be a part of my ministry. You never know how small things can affect someone. There’s so much negativity in the world, I try to inject as much happiness and positivity as possible.
PGN: As a young gay person in the Catholic Church, did you have to deal with homophobia?
RP: As a young person, I heard the word “faggot” quite a bit, mostly from my own brothers (not knowing that I was gay). There was a lot of negativity to survive, often right in my own house. I didn’t come out until later; I don’t think I even got my first kiss until I was 21. But I was always the voice of inclusion from the time I was young. I’d try to get everyone to use more positive language and treat each other better. My father was a tall man who grew up in an abusive household where the man was dictator. I’ll never forget one time when he shouted at my mom, I stood up in the dining room and yelled, “Don’t you talk to my mother like that!” I was only 6 and he towered over me but I found my voice and it was a turning point for me. And for my mother, it enabled her to be stronger and even taught my dad a lesson too.
PGN: And in the church?
RP: Not really, because they just didn’t talk about it. They didn’t talk about much of anything frankly. Often, the entire sermon would be under 30 minutes and I would question, why are we here? What are you getting out of this other than reciting words back?
PGN: I read a lot of things you posted on your Facebook page that were intriguing, like a post about not praying to Jesus for everything and instead learning how to take care of yourself. “There is no place in the four Gospels where Jesus ever asked God to do anything for the people, not even multiply loaves and fishes. His answer to every form of disease was, ‘Arise. So awaken your Christ Consciousness and live because the power of God is within you. Stop waiting for a man to show up and just live!’”
RP: Yeah, I think people get really hopped up on Jesus and praying to him to ask God for things. My personal belief is that God is in each one of us and we are each born with what we need to survive. We just need to tap into that energy. The spirit is within me. We have free will to make choices, but they’re not always healthy choices. It’s up to you to use your experience and will to make things happen. I will pray with you, but not for you. In Catholic Church, you’re taught that you have to go through the priest to get to God. No, you don’t! You need to find your own connection with God.
PGN: Sounds logical.
RP: Yes, there are so many more things to learn and tap into, some things I haven’t grasped fully yet. Like the first time I heard someone who’d passed on speaking to me, giving me a message to give to someone living. The first time it happened it was terrifying. I was like, “What the hell is going on here?” But now I just let it happen.
PGN: Cool. Jumping back, what was your experience at Morgan State and what don’t people understand about HBCs? Did people assume you were mixed?
RP: [Laughs] No, they definitely knew I was a white boy. But it was incredible. I was totally accepted and embraced. I was there on an honors program so I attended for free. I think people don’t get what it feels like to be part of the majority for once, to not be singled out. Most white people will never understand that because the majority of the time they’re the majority. People get hung up the term “Historically Black” but most other colleges are “Historically White,” they just don’t say it.
PGN: I’ve taken white friends to all-black events who’ve stated, “This is great but it feels odd to be the only white person here” and I’ve responded, “But you don’t think twice about taking a black person to an event with all-white people. This is just how we often feel but we’re used to it.” It’s like not hesitating to give a white doll to a black kid but not even considering giving a white little girl a black doll. By the way, Wendy Williams got into trouble recently saying that HBCs didn’t allow white people. You’re proof that was wrong.
RP: Absolutely. There were other white folks there too; in fact, one of the guys on the football team was from Germany. To show how well I was loved and respected, in my junior year I became a resident assistant and received the RA of the Year Award! We were like a family there. When you show respect and compassion and you show love, how could they not love me?
PGN: Speaking of love, tell me a little about your husband. What makes Damon beautiful?
RP: He has a beautiful, loving and caring spirit. He likes to give of himself — his time, his energy, his voice — and has the kind of personality that makes people feel comfortable. He went to school for music and has an amazing voice.
PGN: What song does he sing that brings you to tears?
RP: Oh, anything. He is trained for classical music but sings a lot of gospel. I’d say “The Prayer.” A lot of people have covered that song, but I love the way he sings it.
PGN: I heard it was love at first sight.
RP: Yes, Damon says from the time I walked through the door he knew he was going to marry me. He even told his friend, who thought he was crazy, but a few months later he popped the question. I told him I needed to think and pray on it. I did and the answer came and it was yes.
PGN: What helps keep you sane?
RP: I love to disconnect from the grid: to leave my phone at home and just drive around, sometimes with music blaring, sometimes just with my thoughts. Next thing I know I’m in North Jersey on a mountain looking down at New York City.
PGN: Show you bingewatch?
RP: I’m recording “Greenleaf.” Next week is my birthday so I’ll binge out then.
PGN: A Virgo. What traits do you have?
RP: I’m extremely organized and detailed. I can be emotional, but I’m never late.
PGN: Guilty pleasures?
RP: Butter, garlic and bacon. I make a mean Brussels sprout dish. Even my husband eats them and he hates Brussels sprouts.
PGN: What? OK, I’m crashing your blanket at South Jersey Pride!
RP: Definitely! I’ll save some for you.
South Jersey LGBTQ Pride OUT in the Park takes place noon-6 p.m. Sept. 11. For more information, visit www.facebook.com/events/688935564543020/.
To suggest a community member for Family Portrait, email [email protected].