The holidays can be a time of great joy and excitement — and also great disappointment and disconnection. Maybe you remember years past of hiding your full self in order to be acceptable to family. Or maybe your family still doesn’t want your partner to come to a holiday celebration.
Maybe you want to wear a fabulous red dress instead of a button-down and khakis, but that’s not going to happen because your family still can’t get over the fact that as a kid you liked to cook and knit more than play football. There are lots of reasons that LGBT folks can end up feeling stressed or lonely at this time of year, and we want to help.
If you are feeling stressed or struggling with the thought of getting through the next few weeks, please know that you don’t have to go it alone! There are many ways to create connection and develop a new perspective. Each year the behavioral-health team at Mazzoni Center puts together a Holiday Survival Guide to offer general advice on ways LGBTQ folks can manage holiday-related stress and/or depression and provide specific examples of activities you might want to attend or get involved with. For the purposes of this month’s column, we’ve excerpted some of the highlights.
Since every one of us is unique, we’ve tried to provide many different options to both create connection and find a new perspective on the holidays.
For example, connection is a dynamic experience — and in order to receive connection, sometimes we need to give a little, which can increase a sense of meaning and purpose. Volunteering is one powerful way to do this, by sharing your time and talent while creating connection that you and others can benefit from. You might volunteer specifically over the holidays, or consider carrying it into the New Year. There are also recovery and spiritual groups that are just waiting to welcome you because they recognize how valuable your presence is. There are people who care and who want to share community with you.
Are you feeling annoyed by the holidays? Chill out! There are plenty of free and low-cost events — LGBT-specific and otherwise — going on around town this season. Go out have some fun! (Check the “Philly Funsavers” website at: phillyfunguide.com/funsavers for some great discounts on shows and performances of all kinds). Getting out and about is a way to enjoy the spirit of the holidays and perhaps meet some new people. Through it all, notice the attitude you’re bringing to it all and consider feeling gratitude for the gift of getting to experience the sights, sounds and sweetness of life — even if there are challenges too.
Another way to more fully experience what delights you this holiday season (rather than what stresses you out!) is through practicing mindfulness, which is paying attention to life in this moment. Try to savor your food and drinks instead of gobbling them down. Pause and take in the lights, decorations and the music — whatever you enjoy about the season. Shop mindfully, by paying attention to the real intention behind giving someone a gift, rather than feeling compelled to buy something because it’s expected or on sale. Not only can it help us enjoy more, it can help us cope with what’s challenging.
Oftentimes, people try to counter the emotional strain they’re feeling by drinking more than they should, over-eating or even placing still-further demands on themselves and going to bigger and more elaborate efforts to try and ensure their holidays are the best ever. Throughout the next couple weeks, consider engaging in some of the following strategies for getting around potential sources of the holiday blues.
Keep your expectations manageable. Be realistic about what you can and cannot do, as well as what you want to do and don’t want to do. Although the holidays often mean trying to fit a lot of activities into a short period of time, pace yourself and, to the degree it’s possible, try not to place your entire focus on just one day (e.g., Christmas morning, New Year’s Eve); instead, remember it’s an entire season of holiday sentiment and that activities can be spread out (time-wise) to help increase enjoyment and lessen stress. Set realistic goals for yourself. Make a list and prioritize the most important activities. Ask for and accept help. Simplify!
Remember, the holiday season does not banish reasons for feeling sad or lonely. During the holiday season, there’s room for feelings such as sadness and/or loneliness to be present along with other more-joyful emotions. You may be feeling out of sorts and periodically out of sync with the season’s “jollier” aspects because of a current stressor — for example, a recent romantic break-up or dealing with an adolescent child who’s expressing his or her newfound independence by not participating in this year’s family traditions. When you feel down, avoid critical self-perceptions, such as thinking of yourself as Scrooge and, instead, try to articulate the understanding you need from those around you. You might also consider seeking the help of a therapist to help you sort out your feelings and deal with the troubling issues.
Limit predictable sources of stress. If you feel the annual trappings of shopping, decorating, cooking and attending social events risk becoming overwhelming and stressful, use discretion and limit the activities you commit to.
Don’t fall prey to commercial hype. Advertisers would like to have you believe that “if you really loved your spouse” you’d give them that expensive new gadget or piece of jewelry, or that you should be the “perfect Santa” and grant your kids’ wishes for this year’s pricey crazes. Recognize the ads and commercials as hype that manufacturers and stores have to do to benefit optimally from the season. You can show love and caring in lots of thoughtful ways that don’t cost a lot.
Visit Mazzoni Center’s website (www.mazzonicenter.org) for the full 2015 Holiday Survival Guide, and share it with others you know who may be challenged this time of year. Isn’t that the real gift of the holiday season: feeling cared for and feeling connected? Together, we’ll not only survive the holidays; we’ll also find ways to celebrate connection through them.
Caroline Dabkowski, Niki Kulp and Bob Pileggi are interns at Mazzoni Center’s Open Door Behavioral Health program.