No matter who you are or how you identify, the holiday season can often produce anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings. For many LGBTQ folks, the holidays are especially hard: facing families who haven’t accepted you, rehashing political or religious differences and perhaps doing so while still managing confusion about your sexuality and gender expressions. I hope that the following advice can help get you through some of these difficult moments.
Family matters
Family can bring up a wide range of emotions, from good vibes to teeth-clenching discomfort. If you’re heading home, plan ahead and consider the people and specific triggers you might want to minimize or avoid all together. If this holiday season is the first time you will be bringing a partner or partners home, have that discussion with your family prior to showing up. Also, consider whether the holidays are the best time to introduce a new partner. If you decide to, you may need to be prepared for uneasy conversation and set limits for yourself. For instance, if your family is not welcoming of your new partner(s), it may be best to limit the length of the visit, or plan some time apart if you’ll be staying several days. You may want to cancel the visit all together if you feel it is simply too unbearable for your own mental health or safety.
Especially for a person of trans experience, the holidays may send you reeling as you field questions from a family that is used to addressing you differently. If you are a person with a family that understands your gender expression or identity, keep conversations fresh and keep topics fluent. For those of trans experience without supportive family at the proverbial table, mis-gendering and misconceptions about sexuality and gender are likely to immediately send your stress levels into high gear. Remember that not everyone is well-educated on these matters, and conversations about your lived experience may have surprising results. Give family members a chance to understand who you are.
If it simply feels too triggering to engage on these topics, or come out to everyone, keep your visit short. Remember, self-care is of utmost importance. If that means having dinner and promptly leaving to surround yourself with a chosen family who understands, then make plans to do so.
Try not to let family impact your holiday too greatly. Your parents and extended biological family may need some time to adjust to changes. Many of us have gone through some challenges in finding our identities and sexualities; remember that the process can be similarly confusing for them. Try and be gentle with pronoun “slips,” if possible. Let people know you understand how hard it is, and be appreciative of those who make an effort. Coming out as trans, gay, lesbian, bisexual, genderqueer, pansexual and/or other identities is challenging and deserves to be talked about. If you feel that your family will not hold that space for you, plan to spend time with friends or visit a community center where you can enjoy your own holiday celebration.
Be prepared with resources to offer those with little knowledge of gender expressions or LGBTQ experiences. Check the PFLAG website, community.pflag.org, or Mazzoni’s website, mazzonicenter.org, for help.
Try not to project the worst-case scenario before revealing any new information to your family.
Some people are pleasantly surprised with the acceptance they find. Again, if this isn’t the case, rely on your supports and know that your family may need time to digest. No matter what the outcome, enjoy yourself and be you. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade, or your happiness.
There are plenty of people just waiting to meet you in your future.
It’s also good to consider your underlying reasons for coming out, and whether this particular timing is ideal. It may depend on how often you see your family and other practicalities but, upon reflection, you might consider not coming out on or over the holidays. Consider that the holidays can often feel stressful and uncomfortable to begin with, and that extra “weight” might simply add to your anxiety.
Although I would encourage you to be true to what feels best for you and your happiness, remember that you have the option to do so before or after the holidays, too. This gives you the ability to distance yourself from being in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. Recovery
If you are in any form of recovery program or journey, stick to your bottom lines.
If you find being at a party too tempting, leave and call your supports. Hit a meeting if that’s part of your recovery process and, most importantly, reach out to your support network, whether in person or online. As a person in long-term recovery, I realize that holiday emotions are some of the most triggering of all. But don’t let that become an excuse for retracting your recovery process. Stay strong, keep your phone handy and remember your own personal recovery comes first. Top-10 tips
• Keep expectations realistic.
• Don’t over-exert yourself. Limit shopping, remember your budget and limit your top stressors.
• Don’t read the comments (really). Try to avoid already existing triggers before heading home.
• Spend time with your support systems. If you are traveling, call them, Skype them and/or text them.
• Don’t abandon healthy habits, like therapy, exercise and writing. In fact, you may want to dedicate more time to these habits.
• Attend community events that are supportive to your identity.
• Volunteer and help others.
• Remember that the holidays, like negative feelings, don’t last forever.
• Supply yourself with an exit system. A pre-arranged fake “emergency” phone call or a walk somewhere to clear your mind could be the perfect way to excuse yourself.
• Enjoy yourself! Try to enjoy the simple things and block out all of the other distractions.
Remember that the holidays are stressful for everyone — and they will pass before you know it. Be prepared, have supports ready and be smart about your decisions. Happy holidays, everyone!
Tee Goerlach is a Certified Recovery Specialist at Mazzoni Center.