Without strong emotions, life would have far less meaning. We wouldn’t be excited about new friendships or romantic relationships. We wouldn’t be motivated to engage in important political action. A life dedicated to avoiding strong emotions would be devoid of inspiration.
However, we’ve all experienced the flip side of this: when the intensity of our emotions, or those of someone we care about, become out of control. Too much strong emotion can be seriously destabilizing, compromise our ability to maintain a flexible perspective and create real challenges in our lives.
Emotional well-being could be defined as connecting to our emotional experience, while at the same time remaining curious about it.
Imagine walking down a bustling city sidewalk. Someone approaches in the other direction. You step to your left and they step to their right, directly in your path. So you step to your right, and they step to their left. You step to your left again, and, unbelievably, they step to their right again. Your nerves flare with frustration. It feels as though your opposing pedestrian is deliberately blocking your way. A moment later, you laugh, recognize the common scenario, thinking they are likely thinking the same thing you are. In that moment, your frustration dissolves, and you proceed with your life.
Because initially you had been so engaged in getting past the other person, and they had been so engaged in getting past you, neither of you had paused to imagine each other’s intentions. (Don’t fear. We aren’t encouraging you to imagine the intentions of everyone you pass on the street!) We simply think that the sidewalk scenario illustrates, in a small way, what can help relax the grip of a challenging emotion — imagining an alternative perspective.
In addition to considering another person’s perspective, there are other tools or options that can be helpful. For example, we can also remember how, at different times, we ourselves adopt different points of view in thinking about our problems. We can ask ourselves how we may have thought about our struggle in the past, or how our state of mind might change in the future. And if trying to adopt a different point of view feels unconvincing, you could try to do something to distract yourself out of your current state of mind. Telling yourself that you’ll have time to deal with it later (when you have peaceful time to reflect, or plan to meet up with a supportive person in your life) can help you regain some sense of control over your thought process.
One characteristic of depression is the tendency to dwell or ruminate. Rumination refers to a thought process that combines anxious worrying with repetitive negative thinking. And once rumination starts, it’s hard to stop. There is something compulsive about it, like a bad song you can’t get out of your head. When people come out of a depression, they often report a refreshing sense of experiencing their mind as their own again.
Why do people ruminate? One idea is that people are made vulnerable by novelty, surprise or the unexpected. Over time, the repetitive quality of rumination becomes familiar, even soothing. Think of how self-critical thinking can kick in to protect you when on the verge of taking a risk, such as applying for a job or asking someone out. However, ongoing rumination is disempowering. Rumination can fill up the space that might be better used by imagining an alternative perspective.
Life involves plenty of legitimate stressors — everything from money to health, discrimination to challenging relationships. Sometimes it’s extremely difficult to adopt an alternative perspective when we’re in the midst of pain, suffering or other difficulties. Thoughts pass through our mind whether we want to think them or not, carrying the potential of triggering powerful emotions.
In his book “The Dream Frontier,” Mark Blechner, Ph.D., asserts that consciousness can be thought of more as monitoring, rather than directing, brain activity. While we can’t control our thoughts, we can create the conditions that lead us to ride the ups and downs of thought process with more security and flexibility.
How can we do this? There are basic things that we know reduce stress — regular sleep, exercise and nutritious meals. For deeper relaxation, there are options such as yoga and meditation. It can help to become regularly absorbed in a pleasurable and personally meaningful hobby or activity. Connecting to others helps too — even though, like the pedestrian on the city sidewalk, allowing yourself to become close to others entails inevitable collisions and negotiations.
Mazzoni Center has created a group workshop aimed at helping LGBT individuals become more confident in managing the ups and downs of life. It’s called Managing Strong Emotions, and our next 10-week cycle will start in October (with single “introductory sessions” Sept. 3, 10 and 17). Each session consists of a mindfulness and relaxation exercise, an activity designed to help participants view their problems from alternative perspectives, as well as supportive group discussion. If this sounds like something that might be beneficial for you or someone you know, we encourage you to visit our website and learn more: www.mazzonicenter.org/managing-strong-emotions.
Webb Haymaker, LCSW, and Amy Tarr, LCSW, are therapists at Mazzoni Center.