Warning! A three-headed beast is on the loose, and it’s coming for the children. Specifically, the unborn.
I know what you’re thinking: “Nice try, but monsters aren’t real.” Ah, don’t be so quick to dismiss because, as a homo, you’re part of the problem, says anti-abortion group Priests for Life.
Note: Priests for Life is not to be confused with defunct pop group Priests 4 Lyfe, who did Catholic-themed covers of boy-band songs at local Knights of Columbus halls (See: “God Wants it His Way” in the style of the Backstreet Boys, “Glad You Came To Confession” in the style of The Wanted and “I’ll Make Love to You (But Not in the Jesus Hole)” in the style of Boyz II Men).
But back to this monster business. PFL recently posted the following warning on its website: “Friends, we are faced with a three-headed monster that resists the Word of the Lord — ‘Be fruitful and multiply’ (procreate)!” above an image of a three-headed dog monster, each dog representing a different way “procreation” is “under attack.”
The first is “Sexual Perversion,” which includes homosexuality, fornication, adultery, incest, human trafficking, pornography and what is deemed “other hidden practices,” which apparently stands in for sex stuff so crazy they didn’t know what to call it.
Obviously, we know that homosexuality does not belong on PFL’s long list of sinful “practices,” as two women in love is not the same thing as, say, selling two women into sex slavery, and two men having consensual sex with each other is not the same as an uncle raping his nephew. Unfortunately, PFL hasn’t gotten that memo. Their main focus is baby-making, and any sexy-time stuff, including heterosexuals having consensual sex for fun, is equally terrible to them. Which means that they can’t possibly be taken seriously.
The next monster head is labeled “Abortion and Unnatural Contraception: No babies born, women maimed, babies slaughtered.” Note that they’re not only against abortion, they’re also against birth control. PFL believes every sperm is a potential baby jerked out into the world and every unfertilized egg is wasted. I’ve long said that right-wing religious groups who seemed to focus on just the gays actually had their sights on being the boss of all sex, heterosexual too. Unfortunately, straight folks, even the ones sympathetic to LGBT people, either didn’t notice or didn’t believe it. And now being anti-contraception is a real thing in American politics. The crazies are out of the closet. Now that they’ve lost the marriage battle, it’s full speed ahead to Total Uterus Control.
The last monster head is “Racism: No mating with ‘inferior’ humans who are not my ‘color.’” This one confuses me a bit. PFL is an African-American outreach organization headed by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s niece, Alveda King (though her views and her uncle’s views are wildly different). Racism is definitely a huge problem in America, but there are no longer laws against interracial marriage, even if there are terrible people who are against the races “mixing.”
It also appears PFL stole their monster image from the Internet. I found the same image on a “Tomb Raider” message board, a fitness-center site and a debate forum posing the pressing question, “Who is scarier: Medusa (Gorgon with snakes for hair) or Cerberus (the three-headed dog)?” Chances are good that all of these sites stole the image from somewhere, evidence that such practices are widespread.
But I am especially disappointed in Priests for Life. What kind of organization sounds the alarm about a baby-stealing monster without even trying to get a photograph of the beast? That’s just plain irresponsible.