The most immediate outcome of national marriage equality was celebration among community members and allies. The second outcome has been, well, marriage. Lots of marriage.
Most of us can attest to the influx in marriage proposals and ceremonies we’ve seen this summer, which isn’t exactly the worst thing to see an increase in; displays of love and commitment are generally pretty heart-warming. But it does raise the question, are all these couples ready for marriage?
Certainly, many newly engaged or married same-sex couples have been waiting years for the right to marry their spouse and their rush to the altar is easy to make sense of. My concern comes with the couples who may still be in the early throws of passion and whose relationships may not have progressed to the point of a forever commitment. They could be unknowingly acting upon feelings related to a newfound right to marry and their new and exciting love. In our culture, marriage has long been a grand gesture of love, sometimes impulsively entered into (think Las Vegas chapels and Elvis impersonators), but we haven’t had the opportunity to get in on this emotionally driven decision-making. So for us, this is brand-new territory.
How do you know when you’re ready for marriage?
First, it takes 12-18 months into a relationship for your brain chemistry to return to equilibrium. The first year or so is marked by increased levels of oxytocin, appropriately referred to as “the love drug.” In other words, oxytocin makes it difficult to see your partner clearly when your vision is mucked up by those lovey-dovey feelings. It is a good precautionary measure to wait to consider marriage until the 1.5-two-year range, when you have evidence of continued satisfaction in your relationship after that natural high dissipates.
Next, when you do get to talking about marriage, ask yourself whether you are planning a wedding or an actual marriage. For those of us who grew up envisioning our dream wedding, it is easy to become hyper-focused on the wedding day itself, without enough attention to what comes afterwards: the rest of your life as a married person. It is helpful to take a look at the conversations you and your partner have had about being married. Has one of you been more enthusiastic than the other, perhaps rushing your partner to set a date? This is likely an indicator of a dissonance between the two of you that ought to be addressed before you say “I do.”
Have you asked yourself why you want to be married now? If the answer relates to the schedule you pre-established for your life, you could be getting married for the wrong reason. I’ve worked with couples who married when they did because one wanted to have children prior to a certain age. They rushed into marriage without knowing one another’s intricacies. You must know your partner fully, including his or her needs in a relationship, for a successful marriage. And you must also know these things about yourself.
Marriage is meant to last a lifetime, so asking yourself and your partner the right questions (and understanding the answers) is essential for marriage readiness. If you find you don’t yet know those answers, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t eventually marry the one you love; it simply means you should probably invest more time enjoying the pre-marital stage of your relationship, where you can continue to learn about one another and grow in your love before committing to forever. And if you really do intend on forever, you’ve got more than enough time to enjoy learning about the depths of your partner.