Amy leaves work early, on a mission to once and for all fulfill her deep suspicion of her husband cheating on her. Several months earlier, Amy and Ted had a threesome with Amy’s longtime friend and college roommate, Zeana, to satisfy Ted’s desire of another woman, as well as Amy’s. After a few bitter months of failed “sharing,” exclusion, sexual ping pong on both parts and dangerous jealousy threatening to end the marriage, Ted forbid Amy from ever seeing Zeana again due to insecurities that she would run off, becoming a lesbian, and they agreed to close the “Triad” and keep their marriage a fully committed, straight, monogamous relationship, devout to honoring each other.
Arriving home, Amy pushes open the door to her living room to reveal quiet whimpers and gasps of passion — her husband engaged in a sexual act with neighbors Tanya and Zeana. Amy stares at the three in anger and betrayal, hardly in shock because she has always known Ted as a cheater and is beginning to believe that he simply is not a one-woman man.
Now pause. This is a mess — no consent, no communication — and betrayal and lust are not at all what a marriage, or relationship, should consist of. Couldn’t this somehow have been avoided? Aren’t there ways to have these sexual fantasies fulfilled … ethically?
Some people just are the round-peg-in-the-square hole in every aspect of life, including the bedroom. Some people are so deathly afraid of the words “normal,” “traditional” and “routine” that they can’t even climax in “boring” positions during sex; any and everything they do must be an experiment or statement as an extension of the person they are — forever seeking what is missing in people, art and general fulfillment. Some realize late in life that, rather than be in a straight, traditional relationship, they want a member of the same sex or another gender-bent member to supplement what their partner can’t seem to understand about their bodies and will more suit their taste. Even longtime gays and lesbians realize they can and would like to sleep with the opposite sex but are afraid of the flack they will receive. Some people simply crave more emotional attention and would like to do activities their partners can’t/won’t, like seeing an opera in Italian when that would bore their lover to tears.
This is often the case in marriages and newly committed relationships when couples — gay, straight and other alike — are confronted with questions like, “Will this be the one, only and last person I ever have sex with? I feel like this person doesn’t fully understand me although they are the love of my life,” or “Who can I talk to and be stimulated by when they’re not around?” or “I’m bisexual; why exactly can’t I enjoy both — why am I limited?”
And some realize that they’re just not a one-woman/man band and would like more than one partner because each person they’re interested in brings out something different in them. That’s when the wonderful alternative of leaving monogamy behind to answer the question of what else is left out there waving in the air — that’s when polyamory takes a step out of the closet. Wait, you mean go drop my keys in a fish bowl at a swingers’ party or swap my girlfriend out for a boyfriend for the night? No, those are clichés and insane situations even the most emotionally stable couldn’t handle.
Now what exactly is polyamory? Why is there a whole population of people practicing what no one seems to know about? For starters, let’s begin with what polyamory is not. I am no expert but am a humble human merely looking to expose and pass along my findings on the matter.
Anyone who chooses to practice polyamory should have excellent communication and relationship skills, very strong personal integrity and a desire for personal growth. Already, it’s extremely hard to have one relationship but to maintain multiple consensual relationships requires time, patience and energetic willingness to have the necessary dialogue and full-out arguments that may come along with it. Ted not only was a hypocrite in going behind the marriage but also in not following up with his agreement with Amy to stay monogamous. Amy, instead of confronting Ted with open dialogue and sharing her suspicion with him, decided to sneak up on him. Who is this third unknown party that Ted and Zeana are swapping germs and endangering Amy with? And why was Amy not asked to consent to this little rendezvous in her apartment? Why was Ted so insecure in banning his wife to sleep with women, yet sought to satisfy himself with two of them? Polyamorists are not people who are fatally insecure, emotionally immature and non-consensual sexual thrill-seekers or conquerors. They are people who take commitment seriously and aren’t seeking to hurt partners but rather let them express themselves and explore new worlds without rigid, old-fashioned boundaries.
Polyamory, not to be confused with polygamy (having multiple spouses, which is practiced in many cultures worldwide including heterosexual, religious-based and patriarchal cultures, sometimes involving teen girls marrying older men who have more than one wife), simply put is to have many loves. It has many benefits and takes different forms. It’s practiced by all orientations: gay, straight and the spectrum between the two. It’s practiced by people who desire to be emotionally intimate with more than one partner in a fully honest, maturely consensual manner.
Is Kayne West right in saying, “Love is cursed by monogamy”? By the way he defends Beyoncé and is open to his wife Kim being known for her body all over magazines, I doubt he really believes this. Monogamy offers most a certain security, the idea of no STDs or jealousy, but considering the rates of divorce and adultery, one has to wonder how secure monogamy really is. In polyamory, people often ask, “Don’t you get extremely jealous?” But, don’t you in a closed relationship? Or they ask, “How do you deal with anger and neglect from each other?” The same way you do in a “normal” relationship: Communicate. Yes, wild situations like Amy and Ted’s could arise, but instead of sneaking around and catching one another in the act, everyone can actually be informed of each other’s whereabouts and plans and interact with each other’s partners. One big happy family. Instead of Amy going to bed dreaming of being with a woman and under-satisfied with Ted, they can decide to bring a third party in or individually have second partners.
Poly relationships are definitely eye-opening and not for the faint at heart or immature, looking to satisfy a sexual itch. Love is overflowing and abundant, not limited like a rationed dish at dinner with five siblings in an impoverished home. Realizing that you can love people differently and wholly will open a new world for most. Those who have attempted it say it’s for the sexually bored and those truly in love cannot share nor be “in” love with more than one. Shows like “Polyamory” on Showtime and books like “The Ethical Slut” are helpful guidelines for anyone looking to branch out and see what the hype is all about. Not everything is for everyone and no one can tell anyone the way they live is wrong. Open minds and hearts aren’t all about sex, and should lead to open dialogue. Don’t be anyone’s Tanya, Zeana, Amy or Ted; be ethical and consensual and unafraid of setting boundaries if and when you decide to go down this rabbit hole.
Alice Wills is an ever-curious freelance actress, writer and consultant looking to expose and change traditional thinking. Catch her in local indie films, print and promotional work, and watch her host the Independent Film Awards May 22 at International House in Philadelphia.