Extra, extra! Read all about it: Pat Robertson will come to your Big Gay Wedding!
There’s one condition: You’re gonna have to show him a baby conceived through butt sex.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: That’s not how babies are made and why would I want Pat Robertson at my wedding? He’s a hateful old man.
To which I say, “Hey, I’m just the messenger.”
It all started on the April 6 episode of “The 700 Club” when Robertson responded to a letter from a viewer asking, “If same-sex couples, especially those who are married, claim they are Christians, how can they continue to live this lifestyle? As a Christian, if they read the Bible, they should know the Bible’s definition of marriage is only between a man and a woman. Please help me understand.”
His answer? “The gays want to control everything.”
He continued, “This is part of the left-wing agenda to do away with Christian values and to substitute for Christian values the progressive concepts of morality.”
It’s cute of him to condemn “progressive concepts of morality” as if the very idea is blasphemy. I’ll take that over the so-called Christian values that shower an anti-gay pizzeria owner in Indiana with more than $842,000 while those poor folks Jesus cared about are starving in the street.
Robertson’s answer quickly ends up in the territory of anal sex, as usual.
“If you show me one couple that conceived a child … through anal intercourse, just show me one in all the world, and I will say, ‘I agree with you and you are right.’ Show me one. There are 8 billion people, 7 billion, show me one time when a child was conceived by that kind of sexual activity. It is unnatural, I’m sorry.”
Sorry not sorry, he means.
So that’s it, then. Any sex act that doesn’t make a baby is an act of loins possessed by the devil.
Robertson has had anal sex on the brain as of late. On his April 2 show he talked about Memories Pizza, the aforementioned company that was handsomely rewarded by way of Go Fund Me after they publicly declared that they wouldn’t serve pizza at a gay wedding because, Jesus. (Note: Even Robertson pointed out that no gay couple is going to serve pizza at their wedding. Because, Jesus.)
This led him to, of course, rant about anal sex.
“It doesn’t matter what custom you’ve got. It doesn’t matter what holy thing that you worship and adore; the gays are going to get it,” he said.
That’s right. We’re climbing in your window, snatching your people up. So hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband.
“They’re going to make you conform to them,” Robertson continued. “You are going to say you like anal sex, you like oral sex, you like bestiality, you like anything you can think of, whatever it is. And sooner or later you are going to have to conform your religious beliefs to the group of some aberrant thing. It won’t stop at homosexuality.”
Note: Only same-sex couples engage in anal and oral sex. Straight couples would never (clutches pearls, faints).
It’s clear that Robertson can’t see the forest of gay people past the trees of penises. To him, if you’re gay, you’re just a sex act, which is why there’s no distinction between a man having sex with his husband and a man having sex with a dog. You have no redeeming qualities. Your very existence is oppressing him.
He didn’t really answer his viewer’s question. But what he should have said is that the Christian lifestyle is a choice. Being a terrible person is also a choice. Being a terrible person who uses Christianity as justification for said terribleness is the choice Robertson has made.