Say the word “holidays” this time of year and you’re likely to get a host of different responses — from love to hate to feelings of stress and obligation. It’s easy to recognize the heightened expectations that surround this time of year — to feel holiday cheer, to spend money we may not have, to be happy, to be thankful, to
be religious, to make resolutions (that we should stick to), to be connected to family or a romantic partner; in essence, to be something that we may not have the capacity, or even the desire, to be.
In this column I’ll explore five specific areas that can be sources of stress for LGBTQ folks (and in some cases, for everyone) around the holidays: family, coming out, romantic life, economic stress and substance use/abuse or recovery. I will also suggest ways to reduce this stress. But be aware that each of us has particular, individual sources of anxiety, so it’s important to know what these are and to take care accordingly.
Families can be stressful any time of the year, as we all know. The holidays only have the potential to add to this. If we want to prevent major blow-ups, it all begins with awareness, and knowing your particular family dynamic. Recognize the ways in which your family interacts as a group and individually, which “buttons” are especially sensitive and which family members are supportive — or not. If possible, bringing a friend/partner can help to diffuse a challenging family dynamic, as can making time to visit with supportive friends near your home. Scheduling breaks from the family is often important. You might offer to run an errand, go for a long walk, take in a movie — whatever you need to clear your head and get some perspective.
Coming home to family is a time when many people — especially those who live far away — choose to come out, or introduce a new romantic partner, for the first time. It can certainly go well, with that new partner taken into the fold, or a declaration of one’s sexual/gender identity being warmly accepted. But in some cases, these pronouncements can add more stress to an already-taxed family system. Three simple tips may be useful here: Know your audience, be aware of your reasons for choosing this time of year and recognize that timing is everything.
Your audience, no matter how loving and supporting, may not want the added pressure of having to assimilate a new love interest, or take in what this individual means to their family member or friend. Ask yourself why you’ve chosen the holidays for the big “reveal”: To shock? Prove a point? Force acceptance? Or is it to lovingly introduce an important aspect of yourself? Recognize that timing is a key factor in announcing any news that is meaningful to us. You want your message to fall on ears and hearts that are open and present in the moment, rather than anxious and overburdened.
When it comes to romance, the holiday season can underscore our sense of failure on a number of levels: whether it’s the imperfection of a current relationship, the pain of a recent (or not so recent) break-up or a general sense of loneliness that gets amplified at this time of year. Holiday-themed advertisements are filled with images of happy couples going about their happy lives, all the while subtly suggesting that this is how we all should be.
It’s important to remember that not all couples are happy, and that even happy couples have their problems from time to time. We may need to remind ourselves not to idealize romantic relationships, or tell ourselves, “Things would be better if I only had a partner.”
Instead, focus on the relationships you do have, both platonic and familial. You might also work on creating new relationships, or explore other ways to direct your energy in a positive, outward direction — for example, by volunteering or engaging in something that brings you joy or meaning. We all have a choice to turn the volume down on our negative internal messages and think differently. And if depression grows too heavy to manage, be sure to reach out to supporters.
Money can be another big source of holiday stress. Between Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday, the messages we receive about spending and consumption are both financially and emotionally draining. But none of us has to jump on the shopping bandwagon. We can choose to limit how much we want to spend overall, or on each person; we can opt for other, more personal ways of showing affection, whether it’s an evening out together, a handmade item or home-cooked meal. You have the choice to make your holiday about expressing love and closeness, rather than purchasing the most conspicuous gift.
Just as we’re compelled to overindulge financially, many of us find ourselves over-eating or drinking to excess this time of year. For people in recovery, this can be doubly challenging, since alcohol is a popular component to holiday celebrations (and other substances can easily come into play, especially when dealing with some of the stressors we’ve been discussing here). At these times it may be tempting to check out and numb the pain.
But if the holidays are testing our sobriety, we need not fail the test. Instead, we can increase our recovery efforts — whether that means more meetings, more contact with folks who support our recovery, more general self-care. It may require an extra effort to identify or create our own sober events. Be aware of the internal dialogue that tells us to drink or use drugs, and work to counter it with affirmations and positive messages from our supporters.
If you’re feeling this is a complicated and stressful time of year, just know that you’re not alone. The holidays can shift from joy to melancholy, tranquility to anxiety, sometimes in the span of a few moments. It’s important to keep your expectations in check and not let others’ demands negatively impact your mental health. Take time to reflect on what matters to you, and make a commitment to your health and well-being in 2015.
Rand Faulkner, MSW, LCSW, is manager of addiction services in Mazzoni Center’s Open Door counseling program.