Coming out was definitely the best thing that I have ever done and when people told me that I would be coming out every day of my life after that time, I did not believe them. That belief remained true until the day I accepted my acceptance to the University of Pittsburgh and the fear and guilt of my sexual orientation came rushing back to me. I’ve been out so long at my home in Philadelphia that I forgot how hard coming out can be. Although I am proud of who I am, I did not know what type of people I was going to be living with at college.
During the first few weeks after I graduated from high school, the only thing I could think about is who my college roommate was going to be and what background she was from. “Is she religious? Is she liberal? Does she support LGBTQ rights?” were the questions I kept asking myself over and over again. I longed for us to share the same values and views. I got in contact with my roommate in the middle in July and the two of us became amazing friends from the start, but I still feared that once she found out about my sexuality, she would hate me.
Before I knew it, I was 12 years old again feeling disgusted with myself because of my sexuality. In my heart, I knew that I had nothing to be ashamed of, but my mind was going all sorts of crazy. I came up with the worst scenarios of things that could possibly happen when I told her. When I talked to my friends about it, some thought that I should not tell my roommate, but I felt that it would be very disrespectful not to. We would be sharing a very personal place, a place that we call our home and we both have the right to feel comfortable and safe in our home. And that’s exactly what I had to make my roommate aware of because, even if she didn’t accept my sexuality, I wanted her to know that she was safe, respected and was going to be comfortable in our home.
The day I got to campus, my roommate was already there and so were a lot of fear and emotions. For the first few days of school, I had to watch what I said, what I wore and what I watched just because I didn’t want her to suspect anything and freak out before I got the chance to tell her the way I had planned. The night before our classes started, I asked her if we could talk and she agreed. As I looked at her, I forgot every word that I planned to use, I kept stopping in the middle of sentences to catch my breath and gather my thoughts, but I eventually just said, “I’m bisexual” and she said, “I figured” laughed and then hugged me.
Right there in the middle of my floor, I realized that I would be doing that for the rest of my life. I never thought that it would be that hard to tell someone I just met because coming out to my roommate was a lot harder than coming out to my religious mother. I think that, because after I came out in high school, everyone knew so I didn’t have to do it again and if I did, it was at an LGBTQ-related event or group so I was never nervous. Two months after coming out to my roommate, and I am back to wearing my normal wardrobe, listening to my weird music and being completely open about myself.
Coming out can hurt more than childbirth, but it’s something that will get easier the more you do it. I never believed that but I recently came out to more than 50 people at a Diversity Workshop at my school and I’ve never been more proud of myself. I hope that one day I won’t even hesitate to come out when I need to. I think that every person in the LGBTQ community has the right to come out without any fear of judgment and harassment. Maybe one day we will live in a world where it’s weird not to come out. That would be awesome.
Bethany Burgess is a freshman at University of Pittsburgh.