Have you been feeling a bit under the weather lately? Maybe your head feels like it’s been used as a soccer ball, your throat is sore, your back aches and you’re all fevery. Maybe you’re losing your lunch from both ends. It could be that leftover sushi you let sit in your car for too long. Or it could be the flu.
But, let’s face it, it’s probably Ebola.
You could freak out, but you’re better off just sitting back and waiting for the internal hemorrhaging to begin. You lucky duck, you.
I know what you’re thinking, Lucky? How on earth does having Ebola make me lucky, you sick bastard?
Well, first of all, there’s no need for name-calling. What would Jesus do, after all? Secondly, stop thinking about yourself for once and think, instead, about what’s good for all mankind. After all, getting Ebola is proof that you’ve been chosen by God to send a message. Granted, that message is: “I’m so angry and disappointed in the human race that I’m gonna take a bunch of you out.”
What’s God so angry about? The gays, of course.
Need proof? A group of prominent Christian leaders in the West African country of Liberia recently got together to discuss what role their churches can play in the Ebola epidemic ravaging Liberia. At that meeting, they endorsed a resolution stating, “That God is angry with Liberia, and that Ebola is a plague. Liberians have to pray and seek God’s forgiveness over the corruption and immoral acts (such as homosexualism, etc.) that continue to penetrate our society.”
Got it? God is mad because Liberia is basically just one big Pride parade and all Liberians have to do is put the rainbow flags down and pray. Epidemic solved. The end. Ain’t prayer grand?
Of course, the “pray the Ebola away” mentality isn’t limited to Christians in Africa. Right-wing radio host Rick Wiles went so far as to claim that Ebola would be a great “attitude adjustment” for the United States.
“Now, this Ebola epidemic can become a global pandemic and that’s another name for plague,” Wiles said. “It may be the great attitude adjustment that I believe is coming. Ebola could solve America’s problems with atheism, homosexuality, sexual promiscuity, pornography and abortion.”
Now some people might argue that Ebola, a deadly disease that kills indiscriminately, is a bigger problem than, say, people who skip the “under God” part in the pledge of allegiance, two dudes kissing each other or a woman having control over her own reproduction system. But those people obviously hate Jesus.
So you see? If you have Ebola, you’re blessed with the Lord’s task of “attitude adjusting,” which apparently means scaring the folks Wiles doesn’t like into worshiping the same god he does. In other words, Ebola is a literal “come to Jesus.”
“If Ebola becomes a global plague, you better make sure the blood of Jesus is upon you,” said Wiles. “You better make sure you have been marked by the angels so that you are protected by God. If not, you may be a candidate to meet the Grim Reaper.”
So if you get Ebola, pray to Jesus and you won’t die, or maybe you will die. But does it matter? Because either way you’re sending the message that God hates homos. And isn’t that worth dying for?