As 2013 draws to a close, it seems like all anybody wants to talk about is ducks. Well, let me tell you, I really don’t care about Phil Robertson and what he thinks about gay people. I have never seen “Duck Dynasty” and, up until now, the show has played no role in my life except when I’d occasionally ask myself, “What the fuck is ‘Duck Dynasty?’”
But then Robertson had to open up to a reporter at GQ and say, “It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking, there’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes!”
This, in addition to saying that being gay is a sin and likening it to bestiality, angered a lot of folks.
Then on Dec. 22, Robertson reportedly said in his defense, “I am just reading what was written over 2,000 years ago.”
You tell ’em, Robertson. In fact, I believe it was Moses who said, “Thou shalt tap a woman’s beaver, not a man’s ass.”
The fact is, equality for lesbians and gays has taken some super-huge steps forward in 2013. And there’s nothing a reality-show quack can say to stop it.
There are, however, professional bigots who we saw a lot of in 2013 and who we can expect to see plenty more of in 2014 — which means, as long as there is money to be made hating gay people, the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins will be sitting pretty.
Perkins was Creep of the Week not once, not twice, but three times in 2013. Runners-up: Pat “I wish I had a puke button to click on Facebook whenever I see a photo of gay guys kissing” Robertson and Dave “Gays lie to get health care for all of their AIDS buddies” Agema, scoring two Creep Weeks each. Congrats, fellas.
Perkins could have certainly racked up some more Creep Weeks but I felt it only fair to give other haters a chance. Still, it might seem unfair to choose Perkins as this year’s Creepstakes Winner since he is, after all, a professional at all things antigay. But hey, the man works hard all year, full-time, trying to make life worse for LGBT people. That takes a heart of gold. And I mean that literally, not metaphorically, in that Perkins likely has a hunk of some kind of metal behind his rib cage, not an actual human heart. And he can probably afford to get it gold-plated.
A rundown of Perkins’ Creep-complishments this year: Making an argument against gun-control legislation by saying that the United States needs more gay sex-control legislation instead; throwing a hissy fit after the Defense of Marriage Act was overturned, claiming that the Supreme Court had hijacked the nation; and declaring that gays should neither have cake nor eat it at their “counterfeit” weddings, especially if that cake was made and supplied by Betty Crocker herself. So congrats to Tony Perkins on being 2013’s Creep of the Year! Your prize is a year’s supply of penis-shaped cakes so that you can eat a dick all through 2014. And hey, I don’t want to offend you, so I’ll use only Duncan Hines. Enjoy!
D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.