What is it with me and men of faith named Nate? A few months ago, I interviewed Rev. Nate from the First Unitarian Church, and this week I spoke to Rabbi Nathan Weiner from Congregation Beth Tikvah. Weiner was at the Southern New Jersey Pride festival — organized by former Portrait subject DeAnn Cox. Weiner’s congregation had a table set up at Pride and had hosted a “Break The Fast/Break The Silence” event the night before, where people of all faiths were invited to participate in an ecumenical celebration of the Jewish tradition of breaking the fast after the holiday of Yom Kippur.
By the way, according to Wikipedia (so you know it has to be right), Nathan is a masculine name derived from a Hebrew verb meaning “to give.” So I guess it’s an appropriate name for both community activists.
PGN: So, Rabbi Nathan, tell me a little bit about yourself. Where are you originally from? NW: I’m originally from the Boston area; my family is all still there. I left there at 18 and went to undergraduate school at George Washington University. I ended up staying in D.C. for 10 years, including for undergraduate school, and then moved up here for rabbinical school.
PGN: So, growing up did you say, “Pahk the cah in the Havad yahd”? NW: I did! But now, you’ll hear what almost sounds like a Canadian accent. I think it’s because I had such a thick Boston accent, I learned to turn it off. But for some reason, when it’s off I sound like I’m Canadian. I don’t even notice it but that’s what people tell me.
PGN: My ex was from Louisiana and pretty much rid herself of her accent. The only time it came out was when she was on the phone with family or if she was tipsy. NW: That happens to me too, or if I’m really excited. I’m a real sports fan and if I’m watching a Red Sox or Patriots game, my accent definitely comes out!
PGN: Tell me a little bit about the family. What did the parents do? NW: Both my parents still work and they’re still married to each other. My mom is a data-entry clerk and my father is a bookkeeper.
PGN: Any siblings? NW: I do, I have one older brother. He’s married with two kids that I adore.
PGN: Two boys: Were you best buds or did you fight a lot? NW: Oh, we fought a lot. But we have much respect and admiration for each other now. In fact, he had gastric-bypass surgery this summer and I had the opportunity to write a new Jewish ritual for people undergoing that sort of surgery. I used to be 245 pounds myself, so I know what it’s like to go through that transition from being a fat person to no longer being heavy.
PGN: I imagine it’s pretty life-changing. NW: Oh, it’s definitely life-changing. The whole way you perceive the world and the way others perceive you changes quite a bit.
PGN: What were you like as a kid? NW: I was a band geek, bass trombone. I got to be Massachusetts All-State Jazz bass-trombone player, and I got to play at Symphony Hall!
PGN: Cool. What was your worst mishap with band? NW: So I’m from Brockton, Mass., and our claim to fame is that both Rocky Marciano, aka the Brockton Blockbuster, and marvelous Marvin Hagler both came from there, so we have a great boxing legacy. For a special concert, Maynard Ferguson came to play with our high-school band so of course we played the theme from Rocky, “Gonna Fly Now,” which Maynard made famous with the screaming trumpets and horns. I was a very expressive trombone player. I would really feel the music and dance around. During the performance, I came within inches of hitting Maynard Ferguson in the head with my slide! Oops!
PGN: Who was your best friend in school? NW: My best friend in grade school was a girl named Saundra who now goes by Shira because she became Orthodox Jewish. She married a black-hat Orthodox guy — you know, the kind you see walking around with white shirt, black hat, fringes, etc. — she married a guy like that, and she lives the Orthodox life down in Miami now.
PGN: And which denomination are you in? NW: The denomination I am a part of is called Reconstructionism. It’s very liberal, very committed to social justice. I think my school is about 30-percent queer. We have a couple of out transgender people and a couple of people who are gender-queer who are in my school studying to be rabbis.
PGN: I’ve always found it interesting that the Jewish denominations seem to go from being very liberal — with openly gay rabbis, both male and female — to being extremely conservative in some of the sects. But I guess you could say the same thing for the Christians going from the very welcoming Friends/Quaker communities to the strict Catholics, Mormons and Fundamentalists. NW: It’s interesting, at South Jersey Pride I met a woman from New Hope who was Jewish and a lesbian, but prays with the Orthodox. She goes to a Chabad house and said that her Orthodox rabbi was welcoming and accepting of her. So you never know, even among the Orthodox, there are groups that are moving along on this issue.
PGN: And this new pope seems to be following a slightly more liberal bent as well; maybe there’s hope for the future. By the way, what made you want to be a rabbi? NW: Well, my standard answer is that I always wanted to affect people’s lives in a positive way, and I’ve always seen the world through Jewish lenses.
PGN: Was it something that you dreamed of as a kid? NW: No, I studied human services at George Washington University. But the Jewish community is always something that I’ve been passionate about; even back in high school I was always committed to Jewish education — my own and others’. I took classes and taught Hebrew school but, after college, my first job was selling cars. I needed to pay the bills. I eventually got a job working with teenagers and everyone kept telling me, “You should be a rabbi.” Then I was working at an overnight camp and a number of the rabbis and cantors on faculty there essentially came to me en masse and said, “We’ve been talking about you and decided that you need to be a rabbi.” The next day, I made a phone call.
PGN: Outside of your rabbinical duties, what hobbies do you have? NW: I’m a big baseball fan and I’m a car enthusiast. In fact, while I was waiting for your call, I was reading car blogs.
PGN: What was your first car? NW: It was a 1989 Chevy Celebrity, gray with blue interior. It was a hand-me-down from my grandparents and I put 100,000 miles on the car. My baby was a Pontiac Solstice roadster though. I was in the car club and was very involved in the Solstice community. I used to do modifications on it; I put in a custom exhaust, cold-air intake, all sorts of things, until it got hit by a drunk driver a few years ago and was totaled.
PGN: Changing subjects, when did you first know you were attracted to boys? NW: Well, I dated a girl when I was 15, that was my sort of last-ditch effort. I broke up with her and began coming out at 16. It’s interesting — as I said before, I was very heavy — and at first I thought my attraction to men was just jealousy because they had the bodies I didn’t. It took me a while to realize it was actually a physical attraction.
PGN: When did you come out to the family? NW: [Laughing] I really messed it up. I came out on the “bi now, gay later” plan where I told them that I was bi at the start, thinking it would soften the blow. I was 16 and told them on the day before I left for summer camp! I thought that would give them two months to process it and by the time I got back, they would be fine. Wrong. But even at its worst, my mother still always said, “I love you, you will always be my son and this will always be your home.” Beyond that it was a little tricky but thank God for PFLAG. They are now proud PFLAG parents.
PGN: I saw on your résumé that as a B’nai Mitzvah tutor, you developed a new innovative approach to tutor kids “with a holistic approach that instructs on Jewish life and living post B’nai Mitzvah.” NW: Yes, we spend a lot of time and preparation not just to help them figure out what they’re going to do and say on that day, but how to figure out what it means to be a contributing member of the community. We talk about the ancient texts and how they can really inform our lives today. Seventh-graders can be really arrogant, they think they know everything, so we say to them, “These thinkers and writers have experience on the human condition and wisdom that spans generations, so what can we learn from those who came before you?”
PGN: What are some of the biggest challenges and biggest rewards teaching seventh-graders? NW: Well, what makes it challenging is what makes it rewarding. Seventh grade is really the first time as an adult that you have to earn their trust and respect in order to get them to listen to you. If you don’t earn it, they will treat you as just another adult telling them what to do. But if you manage to do it, there’s so much potential! They’re blank canvases and you get to plant the seeds of self-confidence, interpersonal skills with others, a lot of the things that will stay with them for the rest of their life. That’s part of the wisdom of our ancestors who made the bar mitzvah something that happens when you’re 13. Here you are at the time when you’re the most awkward and the most vulnerable and you have to do something so public. If you can learn to do that confidently, what can’t you do?
PGN: Any particular student who comes to mind? NW: Yes, I had one girl walk into my Hebrew class whose parents were very well-known in the religious community. But she hated coming to religious school, did not want to be part of the community, didn’t like Judaism and did not want to learn Hebrew. It was just another thing that she had to do to please her mom. The first day of class I said, “Everybody’s going to stand up and read. I don’t care if you stink, I just need to find out where you’re at.” She broke down into tears sobbing because she was so self-conscious of the fact that she was going to do poorly. I saw the look of fear in her eyes and I let other students who I knew were bad go before her. I said, “I had no hand in getting you to where you are but I will have a hand in getting you to where you are going. I know that you can do this and my job is to help you do it. If you choose not to put anything into it, you will be miserable here, but if you want to give it an honest try, I promise I won’t let you down.” Within two weeks, she was reading much better and she’s now one of my favorite kids. I even went to her high-school graduation. I love her!
PGN: And tell me a little bit about where you are now. NW: I am the director of education and I’m the rabbinic intern at Congregation Beth Tikvah and currently I’m a student at Reconstructionist Rabbinical College. The congregation wanted a variety of voices so some of my duties are leading services, helping out with adult education, helping out at the religious school. I’m there under the mentorship of Rabbi Gary M. Gans. We are a small Conservative synagogue in Marlton, N.J. That’s Conservative with a large C — it’s the denomination, not a political affiliation!
PGN: I read that you conceived and implemented a new model for teen education called “N’tivot — Pathways.” It must be exciting to be able to invent new rituals and models. To be able to see something, like your brother’s bypass surgery, and be able to address that must be satisfying. NW: It’s really empowering, both for me and for those who I serve, to think that I get to relate to them in meaningful-enough ways that I can really see what their needs are and respond to them. It’s powerful for both of us. At Beth Tikvah, we just built the religious school from the ground-up and I spearheaded that. It’s been a labor of love. We are not one of the wealthier congregations in the area, but I believe we have the best education program in South Jersey right now.
PGN: What’s the best part of working at your job? NW: The greatest joy of working there is the real community feel of the place. The congregants really are invested in their own spiritual journeys, and they’re invested in the success of the congregation.
PGN: You lived in Washington, D.C., before moving to Philadelphia. Tell me why Philadelphia is so much better. NW: Well, the cost of living is certainly better. Last night, I was at the Mount Airy Street Festival, and I was chatting with a woman in line who also came from D.C. She also asked me what I liked so much about Philly, and I told her you don’t have to try so hard here. D.C. is very much about appearances and career but here there’s more room to just be you. But I am appalled at the state of the public schools here and think that it’s just un-American. I am appalled that Philadelphia is the sixth-largest city in the country and SEPTA is all we have for transportation. It’s deplorable. Both things are bad for Philly and bad for America, a poor representation of the true nature of Philadelphia.
PGN: Describe a favorite meal growing up. NW: Matzoh-ball soup. It’s delicious and whenever I smelled it I knew that family was coming and I would be surrounded by people who love me.
PGN: Favorite family member outside of the immediate family? NW: My maternal grandfather, may he rest in peace. I have fond memories of staying with my grandparents and waking up early and hanging out with my grandfather. Sitting at the kitchen table with two forks and a jar of pickled herring and eating until we got sick. He wasn’t allowed to have it because of all the salt, so he would tell my grandmother that I ate it! He was always saying funny things.
PGN: What was a historical event you wished you could’ve witnessed? NW: I wish I could have been sitting around the table with some of the rabbis in Babylonia in the fifth and sixth centuries as they were creating what would become the Talmud. That would be very, very cool.
For more information on Beth Tikvah, visit www.btikvah.org/.
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