“Because the condition of marriage is worldly and its meaning communal, no one party to it can be solely in charge. What you alone think it ought to be, it is not going to be. Where you alone think you want it to go, it is not going to go. It is going where the two of you — and marriage, time, life, history and the world — will take it. You do not know the road; you have committed your life to a way … As the traditional marriage ceremony insists, not everything that we stay to find out will make us happy. The faith, rather, is that by staying, and only by staying, we will learn something of the truth, that the truth is good to know, and that it is always both different and larger than we thought.” — Wendell Barry, “Poetry and Marriage”
I believe it often starts this way:
“I’m crazy about you.”
“I’m crazy about you, too!”
“So, since we’re both crazy … should we be committed?”
There’s a lot of discussion, inside and outside of the LGBTQ community, about “assimilation” vs. “radical” views on marriage. Some folks believe marriage rights are affirming and open the door to other human rights and societal protections and, therefore, must be good. Others feel that marriage (which began as a business proposition) is fraught with problems, including marginalizing all the diverse ways that folks define their relationships. Some will argue that love is a private thing in two people’s hearts, and they don’t see any need for the formal event or certificate to make it official. Others can’t wait for the opportunity to stand in the presence of the community and publicly present their vows.
There’s no one right answer to this debate — but for the purposes of this column, I am focusing on couples who are considering marriage, or have already chosen to take this big step. As a therapist at Mazzoni Center, I am hearing more and more about marriage plans (and complications) from the clients I see every week. They range from whether or not to take the plunge, to how and where to have the ceremony, to “what should I do about Aunt Phoebe and Uncle Ray (who’ll never understand!)?” Even beyond this I am hearing questions like, “How do we stay together and get our needs met, raise our children?” and even, “How do we untie the knot and move forward?”
If you have decided to take this step yourself, the first thing you may encounter when you make the announcement is curiosity from friends and family. You may hear the question, “Why do you need to get married?” And then there are the family members who may be opposed for whatever reason. Some of this you can predict … and sometimes it may surprise you. As a couple, it is important to be united and prepared. Remember that you have the choice here: to invite people who are allied with you, people who love you and who will be fun to have around. As with any couple (LGBTQ or otherwise), there may be some folks you will simply choose not to invite.
Expectations are a big part of weddings. You and your partner may have distinctly different ideas from your parents and friends. It can be a challenge to navigate these somewhat-entrenched ideals of how “the big day” will be. Feelings run deep and tempers can flare even in the most usually stable families. These are nice, liberal-minded people, right? So why are they acting so nuts? Perhaps even more than other special occasions or life events, a marriage can tend to magnify relationships and emotions. In my experience, healthy boundaries and good communication are not only the “super food” of wedding plans; they’re also the foundation of a good relationship.
Organization
So you’re going forward with your wedding. Congratulations! Now, make sure you have a plan. There are a multitude of options, from speaking your vows in a park and going to a nice dinner with friends and family to a great big traditional wedding. It helps a lot if you and your partner have already discussed this and determined what you want — and what you don’t want. This makes it easier to come up with the list of important people in your life to include, from the planning stages through to the actual event. If you and your honey are doing this on your own and want little to no input, say so. If you are open to ideas and input, let the people around you know. And if you’re feeling completely uncertain (or overwhelmed) when it comes to the details, you will find that friends and family are often grateful to be given a specific task, or a list of options and the opportunity to choose how they will help you. It is not only important to articulate what you need, but it may be helpful to suggest to others how you hope your needs can be met.
Respect yourself/family drama
As a couple, it will be important to present a united front while appreciating and acknowledging people’s good intentions. This will be easier to do if you take care of yourself and each other. It’s hard to plan a milestone event while you are both working long hours and/or managing the house, kids, pets, etc. Respect yourself and find ways to manage your stress. Break up your tasks into chunks so that they are more manageable. Recognize each others’ strengths and weaknesses and strategize as much as possible so you can tackle the planning one step at a time.
Organization and stress management can go a long way to preventing/handling family drama. If family drama does erupt, your plan and self-respect will support you in maintaining healthy boundaries. Some have had a lot of practice, but for some of you, this may be the first time that you assert yourselves as a couple. Determine what those boundaries should be from the get-go. For example, you may not appreciate some of the traditional activities — like bachelor parties or showers — or maybe you don’t mind. On the one hand, you may be uncomfortable because you feel these activities are “consumerist” and/or gender-role-reinforcing … but on the other hand, you could certainly use a new toaster! Again, you get to choose where you draw the line — and being the creative couple you are, you may find a way to invent your own traditions. Expect a combination of both enjoyment and stress if you are choosing to forge a path where no one has gone before.
The most important thing is to hold onto the meaning of the day — and the meaning of the rest of the ways that you “stay to learn something of the truth” (to quote Wendell Berry again). The key is to hold onto the love you have for each other and remind each other of that love during the joyous moments and the stressful ones. Love each other and allow others to “fall in love with your love.” Because that’s what happens at weddings, right?
Diane Gibfried is a licensed clinical social worker and therapist at Mazzoni Center. Mazzoni’s Open Door program offers counseling for LGBTQ individuals or couples. For more information, call 215-563-0663 ext. 248 or visit www.mazzonicenter.org.