I’ve taken the liberty of composing New Year’s resolutions for individuals who are just too busy to do it themselves.
Newt Gingrich: 1. Lose weight. 2. Win the Republican nomination. 3. Win the presidential election. 4. Gloat.
Mitt Romney: 1. Win the Republican nomination. 2. Win the presidential election. 3. Sentence Newt Gingrich to Devil’s Island.
Herman Cain: 1. Land a gig on Fox. 2. See a marriage counselor with Gloria. 3. Find a new piece of chicken on the side.
Rick Santorum: 1. Lose the Republican nomination. 2. Sulk.
Michele Bachmann: 1. Win the Republican nomination. 2. If that fails, angle for the vice-presidential nomination. 3. Confront Marcus once and for all. 4. Introduce legislation removing all gay people to Key West — at least Marcus will be warm.
Marcus Bachmann: 1. Reconcile my faith, my orientation and my choices. 2. Not.
Rick Perry: 1. Burn the jacket I wore in the antigay video. 2. Remain firmly ignorant about everything.
Ron Paul: 1. Lose the Republican nomination. 2. Declare Houston a new libertarian nation. 3. Deny foreign aid to Dallas.
Jon Huntsman: 1. Come from behind, way behind, and win the Republican nomination. 2. Failing that, accept a cabinet post — in the Obama administration.
Fred Karger: 1. Be denied entry to the Republican National Convention. 2. Lose the Republican nomination. 3. Start planning for 2016.
Sarah Palin: 1. Get Todd his own reality show on snowmobile racing. 2. Win the Arizona Senate seat. 3. See Russia from Scottsdale.
Donald Trump: 1. Convince the world I’m the most important person in it.
Barack Obama: 1. Recapture the White House. 2. Work on my place in history. 3. Resume smoking, no matter what Michelle says.
Michelle Obama: 1. Campaign like crazy. 2. Urge America to support Iraq veterans. 3. Rotate my crops.
Bo Obama: 1. Locate an irreplaceable White House antique and eat it.
John Boehner: 1. Do my part to get a Republican in the White House. 2. Perfect my tan so Sports Illustrated has to ask me to model in the swimsuit issue.
Barney Frank: 1. Serve effectively in Congress until my final term is finished. 2. Try not to laugh when people suggest I lead the HRC.
Tammy Baldwin: 1. Win Wisconsin’s tough Senate race. 2. Publicly downplay that I’m the first openly gay U.S. Senator. 3. Privately tingle all over.
Pope Benedict XVI: 1. Continue leading the Church backward. 2. Convince God I’m too valuable to be called home.
Grethe Cammermeyer: 1. Make sure certain persons know I’m available to serve on the Joint Chiefs.
Steve Jobs: 1. Reveal to the world that my consciousness now resides in Apple’s latest product, the iMback.
Tinky Winky: 1. Haunt Rick Perry by being Photoshopped in with him as often as possible.
Jerry Sandusky: 1. Go down fighting. 2. Go down lying.
Jane Lynch: 1. Write another book. 2. Host more awards shows. 3. Star in “Glee” and appear in other shows. 4. Continue doing ads. 5. Throw in a movie. 6. Avoid a nervous breakdown.
Leslie Robinson hasn’t gotten around to fashioning her own resolutions. Email her suggestions at [email protected].