Entertaining the idea of a threesome, foursome or more-some when you’re in a sero-discordant relationship can be tricky and, well, disheartening: While your partner hasn’t any “bad news” to disclose (so to speak), you do. These thoughts have wandered into my psyche quite frequently, particularly toward the middle-end of helter-skelter drunken parties, the kind of which gay men can whip up effortlessly. And amidst those thoughts, I fixate on that seemingly imperishable kernel of sorrow that comes with being poz and imagine for myself a sexually monastic future, where I’ll just have to accept my status for what it entails, including the fear it may inspire in others.
Funny enough, while my partner and I have moderately open paradigms in our relationship, only I have briefly engaged in extramarital sexual activity, and we haven’t really dabbled with the idea of playing together with others. But the worries I have persist, if for anything because if it just so happens that my partner and I encounter an ideal opportunity to play with others, I want to be prepared for the worst: that the other party might decline because of my status.
In some ways, it’s more painful than being single and rejected for your status, because with threesomes and such, you feel like “the guy with AIDS” getting in other people’s way of having fun — your HIV-neg partner included.
Sometimes when I write these columns I don’t always have the issues therein splayed out to their proverbial end. Like I said before, my partner and I haven’t really considered playing together with others yet. But when I aired my concerns to my partner, he responded with an interesting point:
“In reality, other people who we play with should be more concerned with me transmitting the virus to them — not you. If I were to become positive, we wouldn’t know until I got tested. You’re on meds. I’m not. Therefore, my viral load would potentially be at a level that carries a high risk of transmission. So really the risk of transmission in a fluke situation would be greater with me than you.”
Good point. While my partner is right, I still think people would probably decline more for the fact I have HIV — even if I’m on meds — than my “mystery status” partner.
You may be wondering why I even brought this subject up. For myself, and my relationship with my partner, I don’t want him to feel like any insecurities surrounding my status entails a strictly monogamous relationship forever: In my experience, a large majority of long-term relationships between gay men incorporate some form of open paradigms. I want to make a life with my partner, and I believe in the non-insularity of love.
Still, my earlier postulations demonstrate how threesomes or more-somes with a random fun couple or single gent could set us up for failure.
The solution, in this case: empowerment via selectivity.
Why would I, or you, want to have a three-way or whatnot with people who didn’t affirm you as a person? Granted, people award affirmation for superficial and profound qualities alike: Even if someone sleeps with you simply for your looks, it’s still affirming on the outset and, therefore, an appealing option. In that same vein, if someone rejects me or my partner or both of us for my status, then the appeal has vanished. Your self-esteem might take a ding. But in the end, would you really want to sleep with a person who doesn’t make you feel good? No. Of course not.
Instead of letting others select you, select them. Remember a few columns ago when I elected status disclosure as a de facto “jerk test”? It still applies, even after you’re partnered. Don’t let the jerks get you down, especially when you can avoid them altogether.
Great comfort comes with having people you’re already close to — people who not only know your status but who you are. Concomitant with the sexual excitement of playing with these folks is a communion that affirms your person and love for each other. In a way, it yields better situations for play than the lottery threesome.
Once again, when it comes to combating sexually complicated situations with being HIV poz, the idea is to avoid and dismiss rejection through being selective. It’s your inalienable right to live and consort with those who you choose — fraternally, romantically and sexually. Don’t let someone else’s values outweigh yours. Our values are who we are, and for none other to judge than those to whom they belong.
We’re all in this together, folks. Now get out there and talk about it.
Aaron Stella is former editor-in-chief of Philly Broadcaster. Since graduating from Temple University with a bachelor’s degree in English, he has written for several publications in the city, and now devotes his life to tackling the challenges of HIV in the 21st century. Aaron can be reached at [email protected].