Marriage between same-sex couples has, to say the least, become a complicated social issue. Mind you, it shouldn’t be complicated. But it’s hard for some folks to wrap their brains around the idea of a lady wanting to marry another lady or a dude wanting to marry another dude.
One of those folks who can’t seem to get a grip on the concept is David Usher of the Center for Marriage Policy, a group that is antigay, to say the least.
But I’ve got to hand it to him. Usher has come up with one of the batshit craziest gay-marriage conspiracy theories I have ever heard. On Dec. 1, Usher was a guest on “The Janet Mefferd Show,” yet another right-wing radio show, where he shared his theory about where “gay marriage” came from. Naturally, man-hating feminists are to blame.
“What happened was back in the late ’80s, feminists decided that the only way to fix the structural problem of the single-income family is to make it possible for any two welfare mothers to marry each other. But they couldn’t come out of the box saying, ‘Hey we want welfare mothers to be able to marry each other,’ because nobody would buy it, so they had to come up with a game that would work. And of course feminists, being what they are, being really good at coming up with equality-based arguments that are as phony as a $4 bill, they came up with the concept of gay marriage.”
Got it? Feminists, who didn’t want a man because, eww, penises, decided that they would combine their single-parent-income power by marrying each other as a big F.U. to the government, probably in response to never passing the Equal Rights Amendment. They obviously thought this all the way through, recognizing how easy it would be to gay-marry each other.
Usher is super-serious about this. In a November column on the Center for Marriage Policy website, he claims that feminists “intend to convert marriage into a feminist-controlled government enterprise and subordinate the rest of America to fund it.”
It’s not “gay marriage” folks, it’s “feminist marriage.” And all the cool ladies are doing it.
Of course, you might be thinking to yourself, OK, I can understand why lesbians would want to marry each other, but why would heterosexual women want to cook up a fake marriage? It all seems so complicated.
Yes. But so much fun. See, even if you aren’t a lesbian, being married to another woman doesn’t cramp your style. In fact, according to Usher, feminists are big sluts who want to get pregnant all the time and have as many kids as possible so the government and unsuspecting child-support-paying fools can support them.
Usher writes, “Feminist marriage will be far more attractive to all women than heterosexual marriage. Sexual orientation does not matter when two women marry and become ‘married roommates.’ They can still have as many boyfriends as they want, and capture the richest ones for baby-daddies by ‘forgetting’ to use their invisible forms of birth control. On average, a feminist marriage will have at least four income sources, two of them tax-free, plus backup welfare entitlements.”
“Mo’ money, mo’ problems,” right? I’m kidding. It’s the perfect plan! I just can’t figure out why more straight women aren’t doing it. I mean, the fact that this really and truly is not happening on some kind of grand “destroy marriage” scale is making Usher look kind of foolish. He needs to do a better job getting the word out.
D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.