Last week, PGN explored the prevalence of crystal meth use in the city of Philadelphia. In the past few decades, the stimulant has shifted from an injectable form to a smokeable product, largely shipped in from Mexico, and has become common in such settings as nightclubs because of its ability to induce hyper-alertness. Chad, who used meth for almost 10 years, discussed the far-reaching physical, mental and emotional toll the drug had on his life, which he saw to be inherently linked to his identity as a gay man.
Intersection of gay, meth culture
At national conferences on meth recovery, Chad noted the guests reflect the idea that drug addiction doesn’t discriminate: soccer moms from the Midwest, biker gangs from the Southwest and backwoods Tennessee residents. But, from the East and West coasts and large cities like Chicago, the conference guests are, by and large, white gay males.
“Meth is more expensive and it’s harder to come by than drugs like cocaine,” explained Dr. Benjamin Nordstrom, assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. “So the people who use in places like Philadelphia or New York tend to be those who are on the leading edge of drug culture and doing the interesting thing, the daring thing to do.”
While there is a dearth of statistics on crystal-meth use among men who have sex with men in Philadelphia, a 2006 survey of about 750 MSM by the city’s Department of Public Health found 8 percent of respondents used the drug in the previous year. According to a 2005 CDC study, only about .6 percent of the American population used meth in the preceding year.
Bob Shiver, director of the Philadelphia office of the Bureau of Narcotics Investigation and Drug Control, said the drug is common in locales from upscale nightclubs to raves — as the hyper-alertness it instills in users meshes well with those looking to “stay up later, hang out later, dance longer.”
“If that’s your type of lifestyle, meth is a very attractive drug, to both gay or straight people,” Shiver explained. “It’s more about the effects of the drug than a person’s sexual preference.”
While each meth user is drawn to the drug for his or her own reasons, John Edwards, director of Mazzoni Center’s Recovery Empowerment and Community Health program, noted that the drug can, at least in the beginning, serve as a confidence-booster, especially appealing to those newly coming out.
“I think meth, just like any drug or alcohol, has a social-lubricant component to it,” Edwards said. “For many people, substances are a way to get that instant, quick courage. And when you see people exploring issues of sexual orientation and identity, crystal may be a way for them to help break those barriers.”
But once users are hooked, that initial social lure that may have drawn them in often wears off, Edwards said.
“It works and then it doesn’t,” he said. “Those social connections and the meeting people that they were looking for aren’t fun anymore once you’re addicted. I have a lot of clients who are just using alone. They’ll sit in front of their computers with the blinds drawn and just use for days.”
While Nordstrom said many users are introduced to the drug through circuit parties or bathhouses, Edwards added he has seen gay meth addicts from all walks of life — from the chronically unemployed to drug dealers to those who bring in six-figure salaries.
Fueling the prominence of the drug in the LGBT community, as opposed to in heterosexual circles, is the seeming freedom community members — those who are not raising children — have that may allow them the funds and flexibility to indulge, Nordstrom said.
The cultural permissibility of drug and alcohol abuse in the LGBT community also factors into the accessibility of meth and acceptability of its use, Chad suggested.
“How many bars are in that compact little six-block Gayborhood?” he noted. “So much of gay life revolves around the bar, the after-party. That’s a big part of our culture, even though there’s so much to our community than that. But I think there are a lot of functioning alcoholics and addicts in the gay community because we surround ourselves with other people who are doing the exact same things that we are. We may not have a real perspective when everyone else is out drinking five nights a week or blacking out; if your friends are also doing it, it seems OK. But it’s not; it’s a huge problem. And I don’t know what the solution is.”
Reaching for recovery
Chad’s personal solution came on Labor Day weekend of 2008, when, he said, he arrived at a precipice: He decided he either had to quit meth entirely or submit to its hold on him.
“I was at someone’s house and we’d been using for three or four days and the odd thing is I didn’t even like this person, but I couldn’t leave because there were still drugs. But I was out on the balcony and he lived on the 17th floor of a building in Center City and I decided I wanted to leave and I thought, I can either leave out the front door or by this balcony. And honestly those were the only two ways out of there, but it was bigger than that. I finally realized I couldn’t continue to live with this drug but I also felt like I couldn’t live without it. But I had this little dog, and I thought of the dog and thought, I’m going to go home and take care of the dog, and that’s what I did.”
The following day, he attended his first 12-step meeting.
Nordstrom said the choice to seek recovery usually germinates from the composite weight of the users’ poor decisions eventually becoming too much to bear.
“We see people come in when they’re really starting to see the serious consequences from their risky behavior — we’ve had people who have seroconverted, people who’ve become psychotic with behavior indistinguishable from schizophrenia, and we had someone brought in after attempting to kill somebody. It was all directly attributable to the meth,” Nordstrom said. “It tends to be something horrible happens and they can’t escape the fact any longer that addiction played a large role in that horrible thing happening and that they need help putting the brakes on this.”
Assistance can come in many forms in Philadelphia.
Mazzoni Center’s REACH program offers free counseling and support for those seeking to get clean, and Penn Presbyterian Medical Center and Friends Hospital also house assessment centers to evaluate a client’s needs and connect him or her with services.
Alternately, those who may be hesitant of the more formalized medical services can attend self-help programs like Crystal Meth Anonymous, which meets five days a week at the William Way LGBT Community Center, 1315 Spruce St.
Chad, who attends several CMA meetings per week, said he knows people who are sober for 20 or 30 years and still attend CMA or other 12-step meetings regularly.
The fellowship created by the environment at such gatherings is vital in keeping those aiming for sobriety on track, Chad said.
“When you can see people who are laughing, smiling and telling you that it gets better if you just hang around and stick it out, it helps a lot,” he said.
A reason to hope
Edwards noted that there’s a sentiment among meth users that it’s impossible to battle your way back from rock-bottom, a myth he said needs to be dispelled.
“A lot of people feel so hopeless because they get to the point where they can’t live with it, but they also can’t live without it and they don’t know how to get out of that state,” he said. “But there is definitely hope. People can beat this. We see them do it all the time.”
When Chad first made the decision to seek help, he said he was at that “rock bottom” place — a vantage point that was necessary in order for him to envision a different future for himself.
“Hopelessness is like the key to the universe for those of us who get sober. You have to be rendered completely hopeless — I had to completely ruin my life to realize that there had to be something better than this or to even hope for something better.”
While Chad said he is still a “work in progress,” his life has improved “in every single way imaginable.”
While he was able to keep the same job he had while he was using, he’s no longer just “skating by” at work but is a productive and contributing employee, which is connected to financial benefits.
Even things such as his physical appearance reflect his new commitment to his future.
“I’m well-kept, clean and wear clean clothes and that’s actually a big deal,” he said. “It shows other people in recovery and shows myself that I’m proud of who I am today, and I care about myself now.”
The relationships in Chad’s life are also miles apart from what they used to be.
He is now in a stable relationship with his partner, and neither drinks or uses drugs.
“We’re honest with our feelings and about everything and I have that with my friends too. We all have deep, dark secrets, but I’ve told them those things and they still love me and welcome me. I’m able to see people now as real people — not just as this person is in my way, this person is the one who gives me food, this person is the one who gives me drugs or sex — but as real entities with emotions. And with those loving, productive and healthy relationships in my life, using just doesn’t look good anymore.”
While sobriety hasn’t been an easy feat to maintain, the farther away Chad progresses from the life he had when he was on drugs, the easier the struggle has become.
“It’s all about this radical shift in perception about what I really want and need, what’s good for me and what’s not good for me. Everything that I did drunk or high that I thought was fun, I actually find more fun now. And there are a lot of new things I’ve found that I used to think were lame. I’m now able to do good things for myself and good things for other people — and when I do that, it’s that same positive-feedback loop, but now there are good consequences.”
Resources: Crystal Meth Anonymous: www.phillycma.org Mazzoni Center’s REACH: www.mazzonicenter.org/content/reach-program, 215-563-0652 Penn Presbyterian Medical Intake Center: 215-662-8747, 51 N. 39th St. Friends Hospital Intake and Recovery Center: 215-831-2600, 4641 Roosevelt Blvd.
Jen Colletta can be reached at [email protected].