With role models like Melissa Etheridge, Ellen, Ricky Martin and Neil Patrick Harris, do young people these days have it easier than we did? This week, PGN spoke to Attic alum Alannah Caldwell about the challenges faced by today’s youth.
PGN: Are you from Philly? AC: I was born in Philadelphia but we moved to Sicklerville, which is a small town in New Jersey. I just moved back here with my mother and sister three years ago.
PGN: What was life like growing up? AC: We lived in a nice house when we first got to New Jersey, but then my mom lost her job and we moved to a house that was still in the suburbs, but not in the best area so it got a little tough. My father was very religious and he would take us to church every week. My mother wasn’t, so there was a struggle between them over it. My sister and I were caught in the middle. It was a very conservative Baptist church, so I grew up hearing terrible things about homosexuality. I knew I was gay at an obnoxiously young age — I had a crush on my pre-school teacher — so it was hard having to listen to the preacher talk about people like me going to hell week in and week out. I stayed in the closet for some time as a result.
PGN: I knew young too. I used to play house in kindergarten and say, “I’ll be the mommy and you be the other mommy!” AC: [Laughs.] And I always wanted to play the daddy!
PGN: You have a sister: Who’s older? AC: I am! [Laughs.] She’s just a little girl. I’m going to throw out the number 10. No, wait, she’s 11 now. I’m 21.
PGN: So I’m guessing you did a lot of babysitting. AC: Yes, and I hated it. I’d be ready to go out with my friends and my parents would say, “Sorry, you have to watch your sister” and I’d be like, “Nooooo! This sucks!”
PGN: What’s a fun memory with the family? AC: A fun time? No one’s ever asked me that. I don’t know that I have one.
PGN: No good memories? AC: We had a hard time with my father. He had problems with substance abuse. Wait, I thought of one. We went to Disneyland with my mother and my aunt and my cousin. In the morning, they would have the Disney villains walk around out front. They were in character and being really mean and scaring everyone. My mom and I thought it was awesome. My mother was saying, “I want this job, you can get paid for being mean all day!”
PGN: What did you want to be when you grew up? AC: Many things, from a doctor to a lawyer, pretty much anything my cousin wanted to be. Then in eighth grade, I auditioned for a play and did horribly! I was terrible! So I decided to become an actor. It sounds crazy, but I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to fail at things. I was pretty good at most things so when I flubbed the audition, I thought, hmm, I’m not good at this. That has to change.
PGN: That says something about you. What was something you were good at? AC: I was really good at basketball and sports. When I was 10, I used to beat grown men on the court. [Laughs.] I think my mom made me a lesbian! She really pushed me into sports and used to always buy me baggy clothes and balls instead of dolls. I was also into writing and won a number of writing contests. I like writing poetry and fiction and play writing. When I find something I like or that’s a challenge, I get very single-minded and zone in on it until I get better at it.
PGN: Do you get that from family? AC: Yeah, my mother and my aunt are very hard-working people. My aunt was the type of person who could take apart a computer and then write a poem. She did a lot of things well, which I admired.
PGN: Are you in school? AC: No, I went to Albright College for a bit but I had to drop out for financial reasons. Now I’m working full-time to put away funds and hoping to go to American Musical and Dramatic Academy in New York sometime in the near future.
PGN: So what’s your day job? AC: I work at Focus Point Global. I recruit people to do paid focus groups. We’ll do focus groups on everything from rheumatoid arthritis to the hottest in entertainment, so I learn a lot about different subjects. Though for some reason they always put me on alcohol projects. Because I don’t drink, at all, I mispronounce half the product names!
PGN: What was a recent acting role? AC: I did “Antony and Cleopatra” with The Attic Youth Center. We switched gender roles and I played Antony and a male actor played Cleopatra! It was an awesome experience.
PGN: How did you get involved with The Attic? AC: When I was 18, I was in college and really depressed. Your first year of college is stressful enough but, on top of everything else, my father had tried to commit suicide. I was still living at home and my parents were fighting a lot so I went to counseling and, in the course of things, came out to my counselor. She thought I should find some peers who would be supportive and accepting. I went to the William Way Center and just sat in the lobby. A woman came up to me and suggested that The Attic might be a good place for me to find people more in my age bracket. She gave me the address but I didn’t know Philadelphia and it took me three trips from West Philly to find the center!
PGN: How has The Attic helped you? AC: Oh, they’ve done so much. I feel more comfortable with myself now. I feel more comfortable with my religion, because I’m still a religious person in many ways. They got me into doing plays and auditioning. I have my job because of The Attic, which is allowing me to pay off student loans, build credit and get ready to go back to school. They have a computer that you can use for research and they help you write your résumé and search for a job. They have support for everything you go through in your personal life too. It’s so much more than just a place to hang out.
PGN: Have you come out to the family? AC: My mother knows but doesn’t want to talk about it. My father immediately told me I was going to hell. As a result, I haven’t spoken to him for a couple of years. They separated, so he doesn’t live with us anymore and I don’t keep in contact. He didn’t take it well. He sent me to counseling at his church to get “cured.” They had a Bible and pamphlets and kept telling me if I didn’t get fixed I was going to burn. They even had a 1-800 number you could call to be healed. Even at 15, I knew that wasn’t right. [Laughs.] And now I see a lot of people who still go to that church at Stimulus or at pride marches. It’s crazy!
PGN: It seems hypocritical that with your father’s problems with drugs and violence that he’d think you needed to be saved. AC: I know! I couldn’t believe his audacity. I screamed at him, “If I’m going to hell, you’re going to be right there with me!”
PGN: Switching gears, I understand you perform with Liberty City Drag Kings: How did you get into that? AC: I got into drag … well, it’s weird, because when I was younger I always performed as a man in my head. I’d do little performances and instead of pretending I was Beyoncé, I was Usher. And I was awesome! Anyway, Tara Rubinstein — she’s the life specialist at The Attic — started doing a drag class and told me if I wanted to join, I could be a drag king. I was like, “Drag king? What’s that?” She said, “That’s where a female dresses up and impersonates a male.” I said, “Whaaaaaat? That’s a real entertainment form? I’m in!” So I started taking the class and doing drag and then I competed for Mr. Philadelphia Drag King in April and won the audience favorite award.
PGN: What did you have to do? AC: We had to submit a bio, we did a Q&A, and I lip synched to Prince’s “Kiss.” There were about 400 people there, I was really nervous but it was fun. The whole thing was organized by Liberty City Kings and now I’m a member.
PGN: Who’s your drag persona? AC: I have two: the first is Bishop. I named him after Usher … Usher, Bishop … it seemed to fit. He’s a smooth talking, “sexual healing” type of guy. Deaconess is the gay brother of Bishop. [Laughs.] He’s a really flamboyant gay guy. I’m going to be performing on July 30 as part of the eighth annual Black Women Arts Festival.
PGN: It’s funny that both your personas have religious-based names. AC: [Laughs.] I didn’t even think about that! You’re right!
PGN: So are you still religious? AC: I don’t necessarily go to a church, but I pray before every performance and I’ve started to meditate, which has really helped me a lot. It keeps me calm and focused. I also do a lot of creative visualization. I have a number of goals taped up on my wall of things I want to accomplish. I also draw pictures of myself doing things I want to do. One is of me meeting Oprah and another is of me decked out in awesome clothes going to theater school and taking New York City by storm!
PGN: What three books would you put on Oprah’s book list? AC: “God Never Blinks” by Regina Brett. It’s got 50 little life lessons and I really connected to it. It’s one of those books that no matter what age you are, you can find something that speaks to you. I read a lot of self-help books, so the other would be “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. The last would be “The Adventures of Captain Underpants” by Dav Pilkey. I read the whole series when I was a kid. It was my life.
PGN: That should be your next drag character! What’s something people would be surprised to know about you? AC: When I was a kid, my mother thought I was weird because I loved Bette Midler. I was really into the old-school performers like Bette and Patti LaBelle and Luther Vandross. And I loved Meryl Streep too … most of my 8-year-old peers had never even heard of her.
PGN: Who makes a difference in the gay community? AC: Carrie Jacobs, executive director of The Attic. I was just talking to an older black man who’d gone to The Attic when he was young and was trying to find himself. Now he has a good job and is doing well. We were both saying that no matter who she talks to, it doesn’t matter what age or race you are, she treats everyone like equals. She has a big impact on a lot of lives.
PGN: There’s a lot in the news about LGBT teen suicide: Has it impacted you and what can be done? AC: Yes, I know someone who killed herself. It helps that the Attic is completely confidential. Even if a parent comes looking for a child, they will protect that person’s privacy. Having that type of safe haven is important. They also offer support, someone to talk to when you need it.
PGN: As a person who came up when homosexuality itself was pretty much in the closet, we think that young people would have it easier by now. What are the challenges you face? AC: I think we still don’t have enough role models out there, especially in the black community. There aren’t really any major people of color who are openly gay. The church also plays a big part in it. Even though suicide is a “sin,” when you tell someone that they’re going to hell anyway, just because of who they are, some people just think, what’s the point of living if that’s where I’m going to end up? I felt that for a minute and would just sleep a lot and hope that I’d wake up and not have those feelings anymore.
PGN: It also seems like youth are coming out publicly much younger. We came out to our circle of friends but didn’t come out to the world until we were older and ready. AC: Yeah, maybe because with organizations like The Attic, we feel that if something were to happen, like being rejected by your family, we have places we can turn to.
PGN: As a drag king, what are your thoughts about the trans community? AC: I hear some people say that trans people are on par with the gay community, but I think they have it harder. Surprisingly, they face a lot of transphobia from within the LGB community. Right now, they’re more at risk. I work as an open lesbian along with an openly gay man, but the trans woman at our company seems to get more grief than any of us. There’s controversy over which bathroom she can use and other little issues that we don’t face. I don’t understand why we as gay people turn around and discriminate against other people within our community. It’s crazy.
PGN: Why do you think there’s such a growing trans population? AC: I think it’s always been there, but people are just now finding the confidence to express their gender differences. There are more places to go for support, like The Attic, which has a trans support group. You have people like Cher’s son Chaz starting to speak more openly about being a trans person.
PGN: I think it’s like the gay community: We were always there, but when we started coming out of the closet, people were shocked at how many gays there were. AC: Yes, we’re going to have to really open our minds. I know a lot of people who are gender neutral and don’t use pronouns at all. It’s a whole new world and we are going to have to work to make space for everyone.
To suggest a community member for “Family Portrait,” write to [email protected].