The men involved with the Gay and Married Men’s Association run the gamut — gay, bi, married, divorced, separated, partnered — but despite their differences, the members have found an unmatched sense of camaraderie through their shared experience in GAMMA.
“When I came here, I referred to myself as a green-eyed monster — I thought I was the only married man who ever looked into a mirror and found out he was gay,” said longtime member Ken. “But I came here and found a whole room full of green-eyed monsters.”
Ken is one of hundreds who’ve passed through GAMMA’s doors seeking advice and support over the last 20 years.
Launched in March of 1991 by Steve Henner, GAMMA, meeting twice a month at the William Way LGBT Community Center, offers a support structure for men coming to terms with their sexuality in settings that often include heterosexual relationships and children.
The men who attend are in different situations — some are out to their wives or significant others, some are closeted and others are exploring whether they want to remain in heterosexual relationships. But all faced fears in confronting their sexuality.
“I walked around the corner so many times before I finally made myself come inside,” said Tom, a two-year member and the board outreach chairman. “When I did, I found a really interesting camaraderie, but it took me a long time to warm up to that.”
Vince, who attended his first GAMMA meeting in 2002, said he and most of the other men were “complete messes when we first came here. When we walked in the door for the first time, I didn’t know if I’d even be able to make it home that night. It’s a process that’s taken years to deal with.”
The group doesn’t advocate for men to leave their heterosexual relationships or remain in them, but rather provides a forum to explore their identities with others who’ve been in similar situations.
Many of the members are parents, an element they said is sometimes difficult to share with the LGBT community outside of GAMMA. And while no two situations are identical, having an outlet in which they can openly discuss their feelings without fear of judgment is integral.
“If I was to try to orchestrate the level of support these guys give to each other, there’s just no way to even begin to,” said Tom, the board chairperson who’s been with GAMMA since one of its first meetings. “I get enormous satisfaction getting to see these guys work through what’s happening to them and come out the other side.”
GAMMA members tend to eventually “grow out” of the meetings, held the second and fourth Wednesdays of the month, as they become equipped with the tools to cope with their situations, but most GAMMA alums stay in touch.
“I had a lot of friends before I came out, but those friends never knew the real me,” Vince said. “When I came here, it was like a switch went off. I now have so many real, close and good friends who understand who I am and accept me.”
The importance of GAMMA is underscored by the dearth of similar groups in the area: There are GAMMA chapters in Washington, D.C., and a handful of other locations in the country, but GAMMA Philadelphia serves the entire metropolitan area, with members from New Jersey, Pennsylvania and surrounding areas.
Brendan, a member who now lives in New York City but still remains in touch with the group, said similar initiatives in New York and other cities have devolved into “glorified hook-ups,” which the Philadelphia group is not.
“This group is truly what it says it is — it’s a support group,” he said. “It’s not a place to hook up with other people. It’s unlike any other group I’ve heard of because it has this dynamic that is so truly focused on its mission.”
That dynamic has literally been a lifesaver for many of GAMMA’s members.
When asked what their lives would be like without the group, a majority of the GAMMA members at the group’s 20th-anniversary reunion meeting this month agreed: They probably wouldn’t be alive.
“If it wasn’t for these guys, I wouldn’t be around today,” said Steve, a member for four years who was married for 25. “You’re led to think one way by society but you feel a different way, so you don’t know how to deal with society and society doesn’t know how to deal with you. But when I walked into this room, I found 20-some men in the same situation I was in. It finally made me feel normal.”
Although society has become more accepting of the LGBT community since GAMMA’s founding, the pressures faced are just as impactful.
“There are so many counter-influences that affect people’s lives — the religious beliefs they struggle with, the family things they struggle with,” said Dean, a member for eight years who divorced about five years ago. “There are a lot of obstacles people need to surmount. The people we see walking in now are struggling just as much now as people were 20 years ago.”
The group hopes that, in time, it will no longer be needed — as the coming-out process loses its stigma — but, until then, is prepared to continue providing the safe haven it’s offered for two decades.
For more information, visit www.gammaphilly.org or call 215-732-2220. GAMMA’s next meeting will be held from 8-10 p.m. April 13 at the center, 1315 Spruce St.
The center also offers free, confidential peer-counseling services at 215-732-8255.
Jen Colletta can be reached at [email protected].