Have you ever been at an airport looking around at all of the harried travelers in flip-flops and sweatpants stuffing their faces with dinner-plate-sized Cinnabons and thought to yourself, “If only there was a job that would pay me to grope these people?”
Well, it’s your lucky day. There is such a job. As an agent of the Transportation Security Administration, you’ll get to participate in the new “enhanced” pat-downs that include genital touching. The thing is, if you’re female, you can only grope ladies. If you’re male, you can only grope guys. In other words, it’s the perfect job for homos!
Now, no doubt and obviously, gays and lesbians are quitting their jobs and unemployed homos are throwing down their “Will Work for Groping Privileges” signs and flocking to their local TSA hiring offices saying, “Sign me up! Hell, I’ll do it for free!”
Unfortunately, Peter LaBarbera of Americans for Truth About Homosexuality wants to ruin the fun by raising the alarm on homosexual America’s TSA grope party.
Pointing out that “pat-downs” on passengers are done by a TSA agent of the same sex, LaBarbera asks, “But what about homosexual TSA agents? Isn’t it just as inappropriate for a ‘gay’ male TSA agent to pat-down male travelers as it is for a normal, heterosexual male TSA agent to pat-down female travelers?”
Good question. Never mind the invasiveness of the TSA’s new procedures: The real issue is that God-loving heterosexuals don’t want sex-crazed homosexuals rooting around in their ass cracks in the name of security.
“The reality is, most traveling men would not want Barney Frank to pat them down at the airport security checkpoint,” LaBarbera added. “Neither would it be fair to assign Ellen DeGeneres to pat-down female travelers.”
He’s right. Most travelers probably wouldn’t want Frank and DeGeneres doing their pat-downs because passengers would be all, “Hey, aren’t you wildly overqualified for this job? Don’t you have a legislation to write or a TV show to tape?”
Actually, no offense to Frank, but I think a lot of women actually wouldn’t mind DeGeneres doing their pat-down if only because she might make the experience pretty hilarious rather than humiliating and degrading.
Using TSA officers of the same sex as the passenger getting the pat-down, is “to assure the public that sexual tension will be taken out of the equation,” said LaBarbera. “Hence, we must take seriously the self-identified desires of homosexuals. ‘Gay’ men define themselves as being sexually attracted to other men. Lesbians are sexually attracted to women. And bisexuals are attracted to both.”
Thanks for the human-sexuality lesson, LaBarbera. Very informative. There’s something I think LaBarbera doesn’t understand, however. When he says, for example, that “lesbians are sexually attracted to women,” he seems to mean that lesbians are attracted to all women. Anyone with a vagina will do. Same with gay men and penises.
LaBarbera poses: “Is it fair to travelers who may end up getting ‘groped’ by homosexual TSA agents who are secretly getting turned on through the process?”
This, of course, is only happening in LaBarbera’s wild imagination. But seeing gays and lesbians as anything other than sex-crazed perverts who get a secret thrill every time they touch the underwire of your gram’s bra or paw at your dad’s nut sack would ruin LaBarbera’s narrative where homosexuals are lurking everywhere, waiting to pounce on you and your privates.
The only solution, of course, is to do away with all homosexual TSA employees. Of course, then you have homosexual travelers “secretly getting turned on” via TSA grope. So you’ll have to ban them, too. And with no homos flying or working in airports, well, I suppose they could always go Gayhound.
D’Anne Witkowski is a Detroit-based freelance writer and poet (believe it!).