Creep of the Week: Robert Maginnis

103

Everyone knows that United States soldiers hate gay people. They hate them more than they hate terrorists, even, because at least terrorists aren’t trying to legalize terror.

So obviously if you took a poll of soldiers regarding whether or not to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” they’re going to be in favor of keeping homos out of foxholes by a landslide. Right?

Wrong. Results of a survey done by the military as part of a feasibility study have been leaked and guess what? The majority of soldiers and their families think having openly gay guys and gals in the military isn’t that big a deal.

This is good news. Unless, of course, you’re the Family Research Council. Then you’re pissed, because that’s not the answer you wanted at all. And if a survey doesn’t get the results you want, there’s only one thing to do: Blame the survey. As Right Wing Watch pointed out, FRC is crying that “the survey is flawed and cannot be trusted.”

And thus Robert Maginnis’ seven pages of teeth gnashing and foot stomping was born and published on the FRC website.

Maginnis complains that the surveys sent to soldiers and their families don’t ask if the respondent is “one of them.” Because gays are clearly biased and their responses shouldn’t count.

The surveys also don’t define “homosexual,” Maginnis laments, and treat homosexuality like it’s a (gasp!) “neutral factor.”

He also bemoaned the lack of choices regarding privacy concerns. One soldier’s wife who responded to the survey told him she “would not take her children to unit activities where there might be open homosexuals.” Because to see gay is to be gay. She also “was very concerned that her husband would have to share a room with an open homosexual during deployment.” God only knows what she thinks will happen. Maybe she just doesn’t trust her husband.

Maginnis is also upset that the surveys fail “to address religious and moral objections to homosexuality.” Because it’s OK to discriminate against someone as long as God says it’s OK.

Using the strictest research methodology, I’ve created a survey that I think would be up to Maginnis’ standards. And it’s much more concise than both the military’s 32-page soldier survey or the 11-page family survey. Please use a No. 2 pencil.

1. I am a: a) heterosexual, right with God. b) godless homosexual. Please destroy my survey.

2. Fill in the blank. Homosexuals make me ____________. a) puke. b) cry. c) both a and b.

3. When you’re around a homosexual, you’d better: a) Hide your kids. b) Hide your wife. c) Hide your husband. d) ’Cause they’re raping everybody up in here.

4. We need to ban homosexuals from the military because: a) God said so. b) There is no other answer but a.

D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.