Pastor Martin Ssempa

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There are a lot of arguments against gay rights out there, some crazier than others. But pastor Martin Ssempa, the chairman of the National Task Force Against Homosexuality in Uganda and a preacher with celebrity status, has taken being antigay to a whole new batshit-crazy level. Or should I say a “gay poo-poo”-crazy level.

The May 25 episode of Vanguard features a press conference where the pastor, who strongly supports a bill in Uganda that would put homosexuals in prison for life or kill them, graphically describes how he believes gay men have sex.

Wearing a button that says, “Uganda Stands Against Sodomy,” Ssempa said, “I’ve taken time to do a little research to know what homosexuals do in the privacy of their bedroom. One of the things they do is called anal licking where a man’s anus is licked like this by the other person,” he said, demonstrating by placing his lips on his closed fist and making a kissing sound. “Like ice cream. And then what happens, even poo-poo comes out. The other one poo-poos out and then they eat the poo-poo.”

Whoa, Professor Fecal Matter. You weren’t kidding when you said that you did “a little” research if you think gay sex is all about eating poo like ice cream. I think you have to get pretty far into the search results before that kind of shit comes up. Forgive me, but I don’t remember the poo-poo tent at Pride this year.

And then, then he says that any children present should leave because things are about to get graphic.

Holding a laptop computer and pointing to the screen, he said, “You can see a man here having sucked the other person’s rectum and the other person is poo-pooing and this one is eating the poo-poo all over the place.” He then excitedly shoves the laptop in the faces of the religious leaders sitting next to him like a worm-toting 7-year-old trying to gross out the girl he has a crush on.

“Tell me, when you have a law against homosexuality, do you say, ‘Except eating the poo-poo?’” he asked. “We do not want this sickness. This is sick and it’s therefore deviant. We do not want it.”

He then calls a woman up to the front to tell her story about how older lesbians seduced her into homosexuality when she was 16 by giving her a laptop and an iPod. Because that’s totally how sexual orientation works. Genitals to the highest bidder.

Are there gay men who eat poo? Sure, probably. Straight men who do the same? Yep. I’d bet my life on it. But poo-eaters are certainly in the minority of sex-havers.

But when you actually want to see gays killed, like Ssempa does, you want to make them seem as inhuman and savage as possible. So saying that they’re preying on kids and focusing on something that’s really going to gross people out is the way to go.

Now, I don’t know what Ssempa’s sex life is like, but he doesn’t seem to understand that there really isn’t any sex act gay people do that straight people can’t — and don’t — also do. Well, maybe penis docking, which I won’t explain to you. Google it. Just don’t do it at the library.

D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.