You wouldn’t think Sam Van would have any trouble getting a date. He’s smart, fit and cute. (Heck, he’s the kind of guy I’d like if I went for that XY-chromosome type.) But after meeting guys online who were apparently turned off once they saw his picture, Van started a dating site for gay Asian men, www.loveGAM.com. PGN caught up with him as he was waiting for a tennis date.
PGN: Are you a Philly guy? SV: No, I’m from originally from North Vietnam: We were one of those families that came to the states in the late ’70s, early ’80s as refugees from the war. I was about 5 at the time. We went first to Los Angeles and lived there for several years. And though I was born in Vietnam, my parents are Chinese, so I am ethnically Chinese, but nationality-wise I’m Vietnamese.
PGN: What brought your family to Philly? SV: After living in L.A. for 10 years and going through eight earthquakes, they decided it was time to leave. Also, the cost of living was a factor — Philadelphia was a lot cheaper than L.A.
PGN: Have you ever gone back to Vietnam or to China? SV: I have not. I’m planning on going this year. I was hoping to visit my grandfather on my dad’s side who returned back to China 10 years ago, but he just passed away four days ago. He was 94.
PGN: I’m sorry to hear that. Tell me about the family. SV: My dad was a chef for the longest time and my mother was a homemaker at first, and then, when we moved to Philadelphia, she became a gardener. Very humble, very modest careers that they both had. They’re retired now. I have four siblings. I’m right in the middle with two older and two younger siblings. My older sister and her family are still in L.A. and my older brother and his wife and two kids, as well as my younger siblings all live with me. We’re very close and get along very well. My dad especially wanted all the kids to be together, so we are.
PGN: Jock or bookworm? SV: I was pretty balanced: I loved basketball and played a lot with my friends and I was pretty good academically. I went to a magnet school that was more challenging than the public school most others went to. I had a lot of Asian friends, but they all spoke different Asian languages!
PGN: When did you move here? SV: When I was about 16. I went to Kensington High and it was the first time I was exposed to so many different cultures. Where I lived in California, it was all Asian and Mexican. I didn’t really know anyone African American or Caucasian until I went to school here. It’s interesting: Most of the Asian kids here were Amerasian children produced by American soldiers in the Vietnam War. Under the Vietnamese Amerasian Homecoming Act, approximately 25,000 Amerasians were brought to the U.S. Most of them were my age and looked black or white, but didn’t speak any English. I don’t speak Vietnamese — I speak Cantonese Chinese — so I couldn’t communicate well, but the teachers would put me with them to act like a mentor.
PGN: What was it like experiencing snow for the first time? SV: I was so excited to see it. I have to say that when I first came to Philadelphia, we were in a very blue-collar, dirty area. I hated the infrastructure of the houses and buildings around me. Everything seemed old and ugly and squashed together. In L.A., even in the bad sections, homes had white picket fences with grass in front and everything was newer. When the first snow came down here, it made everything look beautiful for the first time. It was gorgeous and different. I’d never felt snow before.
PGN: So, other than the architecture, what did you think of Philly? SV: [Laughs.] Oh, I hated it! I thought it was such a small town and I missed my friends in L.A.
PGN: What was a favorite pastime growing up? SV: I loved lunch! I was always scrawny but my God, I could eat — nonstop. We were very poor and my mother was always concerned about how much it took to feed me. She would hide food away from me and, at dinner, she would have to divide up the portions ahead of time so that I wouldn’t eat more than my share.
PGN: A family memory? SV: Well, it’s kind of sad, but my older brother had some problems growing up. There’s a stereotype that Asian people are academically gifted or that we all know kung fu or are computer nerds and he wasn’t any of those. Instead he got involved with an Asian street gang for a while and it really caused a rift with the family. My father is the type that worked 365 days a year from 10 a.m.-midnight without taking a day off to take care of his family. When my brother got in trouble, he had to leave work to bail him out. Because my dad didn’t speak any English, he would have to take me out of school to translate for him at the courthouse. I hated it. I had always looked up to him before that and I resented him for taking the wrong path. Fortunately he straightened out and has a family now — we live in the same house — but that was a rough patch. PGN: What was your favorite book? SV: It was called “A Separate Peace” by John Knowles. It was about two best friends and the intense competition between them.
PGN: Where did you go to college? SV: I went to St. Joseph’s University, where I studied first accounting, then sociology and human resources.
PGN: What do you do now? SV: I started my own company, Van Group Recruitment, about five years ago. I specialize in staffing dental offices.
PGN: How did you end up doing that? SV: I always wanted to combine business with sociology, so most of my jobs before that were in human resources. This is a nice combination of interacting with people on a humanistic level while in a business setting. I worked at other staffing companies for about 10 years before opening my company.
PGN: What do you do for fun when you’re not matching people up with jobs? SV: I’m matching people up for love! I started an Internet dating site called LoveGAM.com. It’s fun and, in addition to the match info, we also have a news feed, a message board, events page and our bachelor of the month. We also started featuring a Power GAM of the month. I created the site to broaden the visibility of gay Asian men in the LGBT community. I was having real bad luck with online dating sites, so I decided to start my own.
PGN: What happened? SV: Well, I would get a lot of response to my postings, lots of e-mail, and people would seem really interested until they saw my picture and then I’d suddenly get a lukewarm response or never hear from them again. I never knew I was that ugly!
PGN: You’re such a cutie! I’m guessing there was a little racism at play. SV: [Laughs.] Aw, thanks. I guess so; I just know I decided to start a site that would serve gay Asian men in a positive way and so far it’s done well. I have guys from Wisconsin to L.A., from Australia to the U.K. It’s great.
PGN: When did you come out? SV: It was the summer of 1992, the end of my freshman year in college. I was close to my high-school friends and I told them that I was going to be absent most of the summer so I could do some soul searching. They were like, “What the heck does that mean?” What it meant to me was beginning to explore the LGBT community. I’d heard that the area around 12th and Locust was called the “Gayborhood” and I’d heard about The Attic Youth Group and started hanging around. I was one of the first Attic kids. From there, I developed great friendships there and I got involved with the gay youth group at St. Joe’s. People think that because it was a Catholic University, it would be repressive, but the Jesuits are really liberal: The administration and the staff supported us. They did not tolerate any homophobia.
PGN: How did you realize that you were different? SV: When I was 8 or 9, I remember looking at my sister’s magazines and getting a tingly feeling from the guys in her big glossy magazines. When I learned what gay was, I was saddened by it. I was like, “Oh my God, I’m gay! I can’t get married, I won’t have kids … I’m going to disappoint my parents.” It wasn’t a happy moment until I realized that being gay was just like anyone else. We wake up in the morning and get dressed the same way. We brush our teeth and start our day the same way. Once I realized that, I was OK.
PGN: And how did your family receive it? SV: My mom was like any caring mother: She was upset because she was concerned that I was going to be treated badly by society if people knew that I was gay. And of course the other component was that, being a traditional Asian, she believed that the ultimate model of happiness was a straight guy and a straight girl having kids who then would take care of them when they got older. She was afraid that being gay meant being lonely.
PGN: Has she come around? SV: Yeah, both of them have. From the beginning, my dad seemed to be more understanding than my mom, but neither of them did any of the horrible things you hear, like threatening to kick me out or saying creepy things about me being gay. They’ve met some of my gay friends and they see how normal we are and I think they respect me for always speaking my own voice.
PGN: Time for random questions. If you had a magic wand, what would you do? SV: This is going to sound silly, but I always dreamt of being a millionaire! I would be so content and happy. You hear the stories of people hitting the lottery and being miserable, but not me. I would do so many great things with the money. If I hit the jackpot, the first thing I would do is heal my mother, who is not doing so well right now: she has progressive diabetes and I would give all the money in the world to make her well and happy.
PGN: What’s a favorite family tradition? SV: It would have to be the Lunar Chinese New Year. It’s such a big religious and traditional holiday for us. It’s a 10-day celebration. My dad would come to my house and cook from early morning into the night and we would feast. It’s just a very happy holiday for all of us. All of the kids get together, but there’s a house rule that there’s no screaming or yelling or bad tempers in the house. So everyone is either having a great time or faking it, but mostly having a great time! It’s the time when my mom is the most happy, which makes us happy.
PGN: What are the red envelopes for? SV: If you’re not married, you get red envelopes from my parents containing paper money. They could have anywhere from $5 to $1,000.
PGN: Wait, so it doesn’t matter how old you are: as long as you’re not married, you get an envelope? SV: That’s right. Me and my nieces and nephews all get envelopes each year.
PGN: Who knew there was an upside to not having legal gay marriages! SV: [Laughs.] Yeah, the way it’s going I’ll probably get envelopes for the rest of my life. We also pray to our ancestors. The religion that I grew up with is called ancestral worship. It’s not so much a religion but a practice. There’s not a church you go to sing and clap and pray together; it’s more of a family thing, a private thing. It’s based on the belief that our ancestors are still with us and have the ability to influence our world. I have a shrine in my house that we pray on to honor the deeds and memories of our ancestors. On New Year’s, my dad says a prayer and we “wake up” the ancestors and offer them food and whatnot and give them blessings for the New Year and, in return, they give us good health. We were physically created by our parents and ancestors, and they continue to look after our physical well being after death.
PGN: What’s your most unusual possession? SV: Have you ever had pho? It’s a Vietnamese soup with noodles, very cheap, $5 or $6. It’s a very long process to make. You have to cook beef for about four or five hours until it’s falling off the bone. Anyway, I have this one bone that was left after the soup was finished and it’s this perfect-looking bone. I keep it under my bed for no apparent reason except that it’s pretty and reminds me of good food and how much I like to eat!
PGN: The worst date? SV: Oh man, I’m going to get in trouble. Not too long ago, I was out with this guy and we got into a big discussion on politics. I am a big activist, working especially with gay Asian groups on various Asian issues and whatnot, and this guy was saying insulting things without knowing how racist he was being. He brought up the subject of a protest from a Pan-Asian group that was in the news and was railing against them. I tried to enlighten him and said that whether you agree or disagree, you ought to be more sensitive to who you’re talking to: I’m sitting across from you with this Asian face and of course I’m going to be offended by what you’re saying. Needless to say, there was no second date.
PGN: What was the first R-rated movie you ever saw? SV: “The Accused” with Jodie Foster.
PGN: Wow, that’s a heavy one. Most kids sneak into R films to see action, adventure or comedy. I guess sneaking in to see Jodie Foster was an early sign you were gay. SV: [Laughs.] Yeah, I was about 13. It was a great movie, though.
PGN: What song are you embarrassed to admit you like? SV: That song from the Disney movie “Pocahontas,” “Colors of the Wind.” I love the lyrics and the message and the sound of the song. And I’m not embarrassed to admit it.
PGN: Favorite teacher? SV: Dr. Julie McDonald at St. Joseph’s. She was my professor of philosophy and she really was the first one to stress that I should celebrate my Asian diversity and embrace being gay and use them as a platform instead of letting them make me invisible. She was very empowering. I carry it with me to this day.
To suggest a community member for “Family Portraits,” write to: Family Portraits, 505 S. Fourth St., Philadelphia, PA 19147 or [email protected].