Dear Ms. Behavior:
I’m in my 20s and formerly identified as lesbian, but now I’m trans (FtM). I have had top surgery and started taking testosterone nearly a year ago.
I definitely pass as a guy. I haven’t had bottom surgery, and I may never do it. I don’t even think genital gender (as opposed to gender identity) really matters, but that’s another discussion.
I need advice about when I need to tell people that I am trans. When should I tell a (female) date? Before we go out? Before we kiss? Once we hook up? I don’t have any trans friends and I don’t know who to ask.
— Lenny
Dear Lenny:
Ms. Behavior’s trans friend Mike puts it simply: “Tell your date before you go to third base.” Although Mike is being slightly funny, you’d be wise to have the gender discussion with a date before anything sexual happens, including kissing. (As you probably know, kissing leads to humping way quicker than pot smoking leads to heroin abuse.)
Basically, it’s important to reveal your personal info once you want to take the relationship to a deeper or more intimate level. Indeed, most people are stuck in the “gender binary” way of thinking. So, waiting to have the conversation until you’re about to drop your trousers does seem risky. Obviously, you’re in a tricky spot because you want to get to know your date a bit and see if you really like each other before you disclose, but you have to weigh that against the risk that she’ll feel that you’ve deceived her if you wait too long.
If you meet people in an LGBT environment — particularly if you live in a hip urban area — it will be easier to be out as trans (and get to know more people who want to date a trans man).
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My older gay brother, Tony, moved to New York City a couple years ago, leaving me alone here in a small town with our mother. For some reason, I’m the only one in the family who knows that Tony is gay. Tony is coming for a visit next month and plans to come out to our mom.
I have a few problems with this plan. First, he plans to come out at the only restaurant in town, which is where we always eat. Mom tends to be very dramatic, and I’m sure that after Tony comes out to her, she will have a negative association to the restaurant and refuse to ever eat there again. Also, once Tony goes back to New York City, I’m the one who will have to deal with our mother’s big feelings about having a gay son. How can I convince him not to come out?
— Tony’s Brother
Dear Tony’s Brother:
If you think Tony’s coming out will really destroy your family’s chances of ever again eating out in Mayberry, you could offer to cook dinner at home for Tony’s big moment. But if your mother is a Drama Queen as you suggest, she may develop a negative association to her own kitchen.
Perhaps the best strategy would be for you to organize an unappealing picnic on a disposable blanket in an ugly public park that you wish to never again see. After Tony comes out to your mother, you can wad up the picnic blanket like a dirty diaper and you and Mommy can forget the whole thing ever happened.
In all seriousness, it’s not your job to protect your mother from Tony’s news or to control her reaction. She’s an adult: If she needs help sorting out her feelings, she can go to PFLAG meetings or a therapist. Try to remember that coming out isn’t really a crisis, even within the families that initially act like it is.
It also sounds like you need to graduate from high school and fly away from Mommy’s little nest and your little town, ASAP.
Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette.” E-mail her at [email protected] or visit www.msbehavior.com.