Dear Ms. Behavior: My girlfriend Maxine and I have been together for eight years, mainly happily. Our main conflict is about cleaning because neither of us likes to do it. I’m generally easy-going about the state of our home and I’d describe Maxine as rigid — even though she’s not very clean herself.
Anyway, recently Maxine read aloud an ad from Craig’s List, in which a middle-aged guy says he wants to do nude housecleaning for females at no charge. I thought it was a ha-ha moment and we’d just laugh and drop the conversation, but it turns out that Maxine really wants to have this nudist freak come over and clean! I’d like to be off the hook for cleaning — especially since this would be free — but I find I am repelled at the thought of some straight guy walking around with his balls hanging in the breeze. And even though the ad says he doesn’t want to have sex, he requests that we’re home while he cleans so we can tell him what to do. How can I convince Maxine that this is a ridiculous idea? I can’t believe that we really have to discuss this! — Slightly Slobby
Dear Slightly Slobby:
Ms. Behavior normally finds herself in the position of trying to soothe her readers of their anxiety, but in this case the scenario may be worse than what you’re describing. Just envision Naked Cleaning Dude languidly sauntering around, scrubbing and vacuuming in his glorious tumescence. Wait. Now he’s bending over. Pretty! And you will have to wonder if that’s Soft Scrub crusted on your ceramic tile.
Is Maxine uptight about the dust bunnies under the bed or is she really trying to tell you that she needs a little more kink in her life? If she’s turned on by the idea of ordering around a naked guy and his feather duster, find out if there’s also an alternative scenario that appeals to her — preferably one that won’t make you gag. Can you find a fit young woman who would enjoy doing naked cartwheels around your house or yard, or does Maxine’s fantasy have to involve men and humiliation? If it’s the latter, it will be easy enough to find a sports team willing to don women’s panties and dance, if you merely offer them YouTube fame.
If the messy house is truly the issue, there’s a simpler solution: Get a fully dressed housecleaner to help clean, even if you can only afford it occasionally. Try to get a referral from someone you know, instead of hiring a stranger from Craig’s List, who calls his cleaning “free,” but requires you to call him names and spank him.
The cost of having your house professionally cleaned? About $60-$100.
Not finding stray pubic hairs on your couch? Priceless.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
Is it wrong to practice cognitive behavioral-therapy techniques on someone you’re dating? Matt is wonderful in every way — except he’s a nightmare about germs.
This morning we ordered bagels, and Matt asked the prep guy to wash his hands. He sanitized his own hands and held the bagel with a napkin. He also pays for everything with exact change (dropping the money on the counter), and only eats in a few specific restaurants.
Sex is worse. As soon as we’re done, Matt leaps out of bed and runs for the shower. He gargles and scrubs himself until his skin turns red. He gets extremely anxious if he can’t go wash off.
I do happen to be a therapist. Would it be wrong for me to treat him for this problem? — Not Germy
Dear Not Germy:
Treating Matt for his germ phobia isn’t necessarily “wrong,” but it may involve icky boundaries on your part. Anyway, are you assuming Matt wants to change?
Oh wait, that doesn’t matter! This is obviously all about you. If Matt’s a germ freak, that’s inconvenient! And perhaps it hurts your feelings when he washes his mouth with Listerine after blowing you. So the best way around this is for you to try to cure Matt secretly … like when he’s sleeping. All you need to do is lie down next to him and gently whisper these affirmations in his ear: “Your hands are clean, your mouth is spotless, your anus is pristine. Felching is a divine act.”
If it works, please drop Ms. Behavior a note; she may need you to come and whisper a thing or two to someone she knows.
Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at [email protected] or visit www.msbehavior.com.