Dear Ms. Behavior: I’ve seen my new boyfriend Elliot go through some difficult times, mainly due to problems with drug addiction. He’s been clean and sober for nearly a year now and he just moved in with me. Elliot says being with me is good for him; his old friends were into hard drugs, that whole “party and play” thing. He really wants our relationship to work and says that this time his sobriety will stick. At his drug counselor’s suggestion, he got rid of his old cell number and e-mail address, and stays away from his old druggie friends. He is doing well, going to work, going to meetings and making new friends.
The problem is that Elliot’s old friend, James, who got Elliot into crack and meth, is trying to get back in touch with him. He now e-mails and calls my cell phone incessantly, looking for him.
Ordinarily, it would be a no-brainer — I’d do everything in my power to keep them apart — but James claims that he has a serious illness and that he needs to talk with Elliot and to settle their past. I have no way of knowing if this is true. Am I obligated to tell Elliot that James is looking for him? Or should I protect Elliot’s sobriety at all costs?
— Confused
Dear Confused:
No one can totally protect Elliot. As soon as he walks out the door of your house, James or any other old crack-head friend can try to find him. Elliot’s fate with regard to drugs will depend on many factors, including the level of support he cultivates and his own daily decisions.
Tell Elliot that James has been calling and claiming to have a serious illness. Ask Elliot what he wants to do about it; if he tells you that he has no interest in seeing him, you’ll be free to tell James to get lost. If Elliot decides to call James back, help him to muster up all the support he can get first: meetings, therapy, voo-doo and, most of all, the advice and involvement of friends who are clean and sober. You might want to check out Al-Anon too.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My best friend, Sue, is marrying her girlfriend, Mary, and asked me to officiate at her non-religious wedding. Sue is the most controlling person I know. She has my every word scripted and my every movement blocked. I know this is just her anxious personality, so I’m OK with following her orders. The problem is that she has been taking modern-dance classes on the sly and plans to step out of her wedding dress when it’s her turn to say her vows and do a full-on dance to express her love for Mary. Of course no one knows anything about this but me.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen the dance and it is not good. Not good at all. I fear Sue will make a fool of herself, make all of her guests uncomfortable and, most of all, embarrass her bride-to-be. Is there anything I can say to her at this point? Am I being a jerk for wanting to squelch Sue’s self-expression? Or am I saving my friend from an unseemly moment in an otherwise beautiful ceremony?
— Rev. Joan
Dear Rev. Joan:
A bride unzipping and tossing off her dress and doing a dance to express the emotion behind her vows does sound rather like a comedy skit, especially since she’ll be surrounded by people who’ve gathered to witness the sacred event. Of course, the level of hilarity will depend a lot on what the bride wears underneath the dress — a white unitard? Pasties and a g-string? — as well as on what kind of music accompanies her dance. An accordion? A French horn? A classical ensemble?
It’s nice that you’d like to save your friend from being embarrassed, but it’s not your job to protect her. If you suggest that her wedding dance is absurd, she’ll feel you’re not supporting her. You can gently try to convince her to save the dance for the reception, but it probably won’t work.
Fortunately, your friend’s wedding isn’t an episode of “So You Think You Can Dance,” with a posse of harsh judges and a critical audience. Hopefully, the crowd of invited loved ones already adores the brides and will be charmed by Sue’s flailing attempts at grace.
But do try to discourage people from videotaping the blessed event if possible.
Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at [email protected] or visit www.msbehavior.com.