Dear Ms. Behavior: I’m in my first year at college and still seeing my boyfriend Rafe, who lives about an hour away. Lately, Rafe’s father John e-mails me and sends me messages on Facebook. I feel like the guy is flirting with me, and I’ve always liked him. How can I find out if this is real? I don’t want to ruin things with Rafe if his father is just playing with my head. Should I just come out and ask him what he has in mind? — Joe
Dear Joe:
No, you shouldn’t ask Rafe’s father what he has in mind, because if he says, “Nothing, what do you mean?” you’ll feel like an idiot, and if it’s something else, like “I want to lick your body from head to toe,” you can’t do it. Technically, perhaps, you could sign up for licking, bondage, blowjobs or whatever tawdry act Rafe’s padre might be conjuring in his mind (or at least in yours), but it would be inadvisable.
If Rafe’s father really means to seduce you, he’s enacting aggression toward his son, and you’re just the vehicle for that. In terms of your responsibility, pursuing Rafe’s father is probably the sneakiest and crappiest thing you can do to Rafe.
If there’s only one take-away from this column today, please at least remember this: Whether or not you believe in monogamy, whether or not you believe in God or Freud, or Passover or hell, or karma or martians, it is always a mistake to sleep with your boyfriend’s (or girlfriend’s) relative. If you really need to ask why (and surely someone will), it’s because it’s confusing and melodramatic and twisted. No matter how hot it may seem, it’s ultimately profoundly disturbing. Of course, such behavior is the foundation for cautionary literary myths and icky incestuous reality shows, but in your own precious little life, you don’t want to go there.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My girlfriend Cara is obsessed with vampires. She watches a vampire TV show and a teeny-bopper vampire movie over and over. I think she has a sexual fetish about the whole thing. I wish she’d turn her energy toward me, or at least spend her time looking for a job or pitching in around the house. She’s defensive about it. Sometimes when we’re running late to go out and meet friends because she’s watching her movie (again), I complain. But then Cara just refuses to go out at all and I end up having to go alone. I secretly suspect that she does it on purpose so she can stay home and watch more. It seems like some sort of addiction, but I don’t even know if that’s possible. What do you think? — Sick of Vampires
Dear Sick of Vampires:
OK, maybe watching vampire movies isn’t a hobby that you want to cultivate, but try not to act too critical of Cara’s obsession, if only because your disdain will only make it easier for her to pull away. This doesn’t mean that you should support her habit — don’t bring her snacks or rub her toes while she watches the bloodsucking videos — but try to achieve an attitude of neutral detachment. Detachment is hard to grasp at first. It doesn’t mean doling out punishing silence; it means going on with your life and avoiding throwing dishes or setting fire to your hair to get the attention of the person who is otherwise absorbed.
It sounds like Cara is really using the movies and television to separate herself from her life right now. And yes, it’s crappy that she’s shirking her responsibilities and using vampires to escape. You haven’t mentioned how long Cara’s been caught up in her obsession, but whether or not her attraction to vampires is a fetish, it sounds like she’s avoidant and depressed.
So what can you do? Well, since you can’t prescribe Lexapro or Wellbutrin on your own, you can try to get Cara to a therapist. If she’s too immobilized to go, try to at least get her into couple’s therapy with you, which is sometimes a back door into individual therapy.
If all else fails, try biting Cara’s neck to get her attention.
Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at [email protected] or visit www.msbehavior.com.