Dear Ms. Behavior:
I’m a gay woman and I’m getting married to my girlfriend next month. I love my gay brother Ray, and was pleased to have him and his boyfriend Jack take part in our recent engagement party. The party went smoothly until Jack started dancing very suggestively, swinging his hips and slapping his ass. In no time, a circle of guests, gay and straight, gathered around to egg him on. It was embarrassing, as if suddenly Jack were a go-go dancer in a sleazy club.
My partner’s family was totally uncomfortable, and I felt terrible for my brother Ray, who walked out of the room. It was shocking, and it makes me think that maybe Jack isn’t exactly who we think he is. I’ve tried a few times to talk to Ray but he doesn’t seem to want to discuss it, nor does he want me to say anything to Jack. Meanwhile, I’m anxious about what Jack might do at my wedding. Is there any way I can ensure that such an incident never happens again, especially on my special day? — Bride-to-Be
Dear Bride-to-Be:
Don’t try to get Ray to control Jack’s behavior; do it yourself. Since Ray doesn’t want you to be direct with Jack, treat Jack as you would a child found whacking off at a dinner party: You wouldn’t scold him and tell him never to touch his wiener again — you’d merely encourage him to find a more appropriate context for his hobby. Similarly, you can let Jack know that his pole dancing might be appropriate and perhaps even appreciated in another setting.
So, here’s an opportunity to think outside the sacred box of your wedding. Instead of criticizing Jack for his slutty dancing at the party, reinforce the fact that his talents might be welcome in the proper context. Then, in lieu of holding a boring rehearsal dinner prior to your wedding, plan a late-night celebration in a rowdy gay bar. Tell Jack you’d be honored to have him participate in the evening’s entertainment. Buy him a cheetah-print loincloth and a gilded cage, and allow him to dance his butt off. Stress that you’re providing this party opportunity because the uptight people at your wedding won’t appreciate his talents the way you and your friends do. Hopefully, this party will fulfill his need for gyrating and your wedding day will be filled with guests who dance the waltz, the hora and the bus stop (but not the hustle) in a sedate and non-threatening manner.
Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at [email protected] or visit www.msbehavior.com.