Dear Ms. Behavior:
I’m a 41-year-old gay man who used to weigh nearly 400 pounds — not an easy way to live within gay male culture — and now I weigh 198. I lost it naturally (without gastric bypass), but after the huge weight loss, I was left with extra hanging skin. I had to have several cosmetic surgeries, including a tummy tuck and procedures to remove extra skin from my arms, my thighs and even my face. After years of solitary misery, I am finally interested in having a relationship.
However, I’m scared and need advice. If I’m out on a date and it’s going well, should I warn him about my scars (across my middle, under my nipples, on my arms and thighs and behind my ears) before taking my shirt off? My friends say I should, but won’t that just put the guy off?
— Former Fatty
Dear Former Fatty:
There’s no need to waste your date’s perfectly good boner by issuing a warning about your scars. And if you’re thinking you should preempt the action with a confession even earlier, think again. If you mention your surgery over dinner, you’re risking preempting your impending frottage by frightening your date into envisioning something far more dramatic than what you actually have.
Granted, if you had something communicable, you’d need to share the information before getting naked. Your scars, however are your own. Your date may notice them, but he’s unlikely to either catch them or to freak out.
By the time a human is in his or her 40s, a lot has happened to his or her body. Your case may be more extreme than most, but most people your age have begun to experience their share of bruises, breaks, illnesses, surgeries and general physical distress — if not warts and herpes — or the effects of emotional battle scars, like having endured numerous break-ups and deaths.
Wow. This is beginning to sound grim — but it’s not. The point is that while shallow people do populate the universe, you’re not seeking a shallow person for a relationship.
Ms. Behavior doesn’t mean to sound all Mary Poppins about it, but the truth is that someone will love you for your scars and for your former-flabby essence. You used your immense strength of character to lose all that weight and change your life; that says something really important about who you really are. Now it’s just a matter of skimming through the fat (in the dating world) to find that person.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
Six months ago, my friend Sally was dumped by her partner of 20 years, Joy. Sally has been a total sloppy mess, crying in my living room every day.
The worst part is that Joy left Sally for another friend of ours (Monica), who left her girlfriend, too. However, 20 years is a long time; now Joy is coming back around to try to patch things up with Sally, and Sally is willing to take her back. It’s good to see Sally smile, but it’s sad that she’s so easily won back by Joy the Cheater. Sally has made only one demand of Joy, which is that she stop seeing Monica immediately.
All seemed OK until yesterday, when I got a phone call from Monica, who is distraught that Joy is going back to Sally. Monica told me that she and Joy still see each other once a week and have sex.
Monica probably wants me to tell Sally so that Sally will end her reunion with Joy and come back to her (Monica). Should I tell Sally or keep it to myself?
— Confused
Dear Confused:
You and your gaggle of friends don’t do much to contradict the notion of lesbian drama, do you?
Ms. Behavior normally advises her readers to stay far away from these domestic disputes and to avoid, at all costs, being a snitch. However, your allegiance in this instance is so clearly to Sally that it seems you really must inform her, regardless of the consequences. Not telling your very close friend this news would be a far bigger betrayal than telling her.
More advice: See if you can find a stable friend or two, who doesn’t engage in the high art of dyke drama.
Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette.” E-mail her at [email protected] or visit www.msbehavior.com.