Dear Ms. Behavior:
My most recent dating situation ended in disaster. I dated Jodi for a few months; we liked each other a lot and the sex was great. I loved the fact that she’d just go for it, and do nearly anything, anywhere. She’d whisper nasty fantasies in my ear, and it really worked for me.
The problem occurred the last time we saw each other. As things were getting heated, she got on top of me and whispered, “I’m going to rape you.” I flipped out and told her to get off me. I left her house, and we haven’t talked since then.
I know why I flipped out. I, like all women, have horrible associations to the word “rape.” I knew Jodi wouldn’t have hurt me, but my negative reaction was out of my control. Weirdly, ever since then, I’ve fantasized about Jodi raping me. Practically every night, before I go to sleep, I envision her holding me down and forcing me to have sex with her. I feel like a hypocrite. I can’t reveal my confusion to her, because we’re apparently not speaking. I’m embarrassed about my behavior, but I’m also interested in seeing her again and maybe bringing her fantasy to life. Can I fix this without seeming like a loser?
— Shocked
Dear Shocked:
Yes, rape is a strong word, but as you’ve realized, rape is only rape when you’re not willing. Your current fantasy is not really about rape; it’s about being sexually overpowered by someone you like and with whom you want to have sex. When Jodi whispered in your ear, she unleashed your desire to give sexual control to someone you trust. That may be why your initial reaction was so powerful; getting in touch with a secret yearning can be quite threatening.
Try writing down your fantasies so that they’re not hidden deep inside of you. Having a special place for exploring your desire may help you feel more comfortable.
Now that you understand your reaction and you realize that Jodi stumbled upon an erotic nerve, you can either walk away having learned something about yourself, or you can see if Jodi wants to give it another try. Call her or e-mail her and tell her that you regret flipping out and that you’ve been thinking about her. If she agrees to meet you, simply explain what happened. If that goes well, ask her if she’s still willing to carry out her threat.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My former boyfriend and I were considered “domestic partners” through my employer and he was covered through my health-insurance policy. When we broke up, he moved out with the understanding that he’d remain on my policy until he found new insurance. (COBRA coverage would have been too expensive.) Now several months have passed and Paul doesn’t seem to be looking very hard for new health insurance. Although it doesn’t cost me anything, Paul annoys me and I don’t like having him on my policy. Meanwhile, my best friend wants me to get Paul off the policy so that he can get the insurance benefits. Should I do it?
— Domestically Unpartnered
Dear Domestically Unpartnered:
If you’re pissed at Paul, can’t you just snub him when you see him or pee on his prized rose bush? It’s one thing to express annoyance or hostility toward an ex; it’s quite another to dump him off your policy without warning, leaving him uninsured.
Tell Paul to get moving on finding insurance and give him a reasonable deadline (say, perhaps, three months) by which point you’ll discontinue his coverage on your policy. It may, in any case, be fraudulent to keep him on your coverage when you’re no longer domestic partners. It’s also fraudulent to pretend your close friend is your domestic partner, and may be grounds for your insurer to terminate your coverage.
Your safest plan is cutting Paul loose after a few months, and then keeping your insurance to yourself until you find yourself a new man to domesticate.
Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at [email protected] or visit www.msbehavior.com.