After an awful seven-year stretch, state employees in Kansas have finally been granted equality with the rest of the Kansas workforce.
Thanks to Gov. Sam Brownback, state employees will no longer have to live with the burden of being protected against discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity. Now they can be fired just like anyone else for being gay or trans. Like God intended.
The trouble all started back in 2007 when then-Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, a Democrat, established protections for people Brownback personally thinks are icky and sinful. As soon as they could no longer get legally fired for doing so, pretty much all of Kansas’ state workers decided to go gay and/or trans depending on whether it was an odd- or even-number day on the calendar. State workers soon saw a decrease in their productivity, but an increase in their fabulousness.
According to a state worker who stressed that she was not a lesbian, before the protections were put in place she kept her hair long and wore skirts with heels daily.
“I knew I could be fired if people even thought I wasn’t heterosexual,” she said. “I’d always wanted to cut my hair, wear pants and comfortable shoes and play softball. Sebelius made that possible.”
When asked what would happen now, she said, “Well, I guess first I’ll have to trade in my Subaru Legacy and donate all of these Dansko clogs to the Salvation Army.”
Another worker, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “I had a wife and kids at home and I had never been, like, attracted to dudes. But once Sebelius paved the way, I was like, ‘Girlfriend … ’” The worker then snapped his fingers several times while gesticulating wildly in front of his body. “The thing is, I’m not even gay. I just wanted those sweet special rights. Thank Jesus Gov. Brownback made me remember who and what I really am. I hope my wife will let me move back in.”
Workers who are actually gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender were unavailable for comment since they can all now be legally fired for doing so.
Lest you think that Brownback is being unfair, he said the following in a statement released by his office: “This executive order ensures that state employees enjoy the same civil rights as all Kansans without creating additional ‘protected classes’ as the previous order did. Any such expansion of ‘protected classes’ should be done by the legislature and not through unilateral action.”
But taking protections away, however, should be done unilaterally if it means open season on LGBT state workers.
Brownback has a long history of being what some might call a terrible person when it comes to LGBT issues. When he was a U.S. senator in 2003 he was totally gay for the Defense of Marriage Act, which would have amended this country’s constitution to exclude same-sex couples from ever legally marrying.
As governor of Kansas, he kept the state’s antigay sodomy law on the books just for fun despite said law being invalidated by the Supreme Court in 2003. He also supported a “religious liberty” bill that would have let people discriminate against homos because Jesus.
Brownback is not singling LGBT Kansans out, however. Since becoming governor, he has been hard at work slashing taxes for the rich, gutting social services and ballooning the state budget deficit, doing his best to make Kansas a terrible place for everyone who lives there.