It’s 2015, and the average coming-out age in our country is around 16 — and it appears to be getting younger and younger with each passing year. While LGBT youth continue to face difficulties in light of coming out, it seems that, for the younger generation, the consequences of staying in the closet far
outweigh those of coming out of it. The same was not true for older generations; however, we now see an influx of Baby Boomers and Generation X-ers coming out after a lifetime of living as heterosexual. Oftentimes, their coming-out stories also mark the end of marriages and the start of difficult relationships with family members, friends and even children, until new dynamics are established (assuming all parties are willing). Yet, more and more people from these generations continue to join our community. So why now?
Well, for one thing, being LGBT in 2015 is certainly easier than it ever has been. With more legal rights and protections for LGBT individuals and couples than ever before, acceptance and tolerance have also reached new highs. Additionally, greater access to and acceptability around counseling services and other supports provide closeted adults the opportunity to process difficult feelings associated with sexual orientation, therefore increasing the likelihood that they will eventually come out. But more than that, research on the subject indicates that coming out later in life generally occurs when the feeling of remaining in the closet becomes too unbearable to sustain any longer.
And so begins the coming-out process, one which is arguably harder, or at the very least more complex, than coming out during adolescence or early adulthood. The psychological effects also tend to be more pervasive because of the many years of repression, secrecy and fear that accompany an existence in the closet. It takes a great deal of effort to conceal a significant part of yourself from loved ones and an even greater effort to try to change it. Specific psychological consequences include depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, alcoholism and drug addiction, as well as increased stress levels; fear can be one of the most stress-inducing emotions to tolerate long-term. One recently conducted study monitored the levels of cortisol, a hormone associated with stress, of both openly gay and lesbian adults and closeted adults and found markedly lower levels in the group of out individuals.
There are several scenarios that newly out men and women may be coming out of. The first is the gay man (or less often a lesbian) who has known about their homosexuality since adolescence or soon thereafter, but opted to live a heterosexual lifestyle so as to conform to societal pressures and to avoid alienation from family, friends and religious affiliations. This usually includes an unknowing wife who plays the role of “beard” and sometimes children too. This scenario often then goes one of two ways: The knowingly gay member of the marriage engages in extramarital same-sex affairs or they try their hardest to suppress their sexual urges and engage in behaviors such as fantasizing about same-sex partners during sex with their opposite-sex spouse. The next scenario involves a late-in-life awakening or, in other words, a realization of one’s true sexual orientation followed by a period marked by efforts to understand and cope with these new feelings prior to coming out. Gay men and lesbians coming from this scenario are much less likely to experience psychological consequences than those in one of the former situations, although there is perhaps more intrigue around those who don’t realize their true sexual identities until later in life. This lack of realization may relate to an inability to properly interpret or understand same-sex attractions or to associate them with deviant or risky behaviors, which are therefore not explored as they otherwise would be. In short, society’s heteronormative teachings, as well as the role models made available to young people, have historically failed to make homosexual exploration feel acceptable. One consequence of this is the men and women who spend half a lifetime or more dating or even marrying the wrong gender.
In the words of one of my clients who once thought she had a brain tumor after discovering a sexual attraction to women in her late 30s (and who gave me permission to quote her), “I realize now, I never feared being gay. I feared the infinite variables of coming out in a socially visible arena, and what that could mean for my daughters. My daughters know I’m gay now and feel a sense of pride about their mother, regardless of my sexuality, although that is a part of my tapestry.”