On June 27, HBO will air “The Out List,” an inspiring, hour-long documentary featuring interviews with 16 LGBT folks, ranging from Neil Patrick Harris and Wanda Sykes to Lady Bunny and Cynthia Nixon. In monologues of fewer than five minutes, the interviewees eloquently address topics ranging from acceptance and self-expression to marriage equality.
The documentary inspired PGN to create our own “Out List” for Pride, finding unique but universal stories from within our own queer community. Here’s what some leading LGBT community members had to say.
Amber Hikes, co-founder of Stimulus Productions and a board member of the William Way LGBT Community Center, talked about the importance of coming out.
“Visibility is an issue I’m incredibly passionate about. I agree wholeheartedly with Harvey Milk that ‘every gay person should come out,’” she said. “If you do not put yourself in physical or financial danger by doing so, please come out. There is tremendous power in visibility.”
She continued, “As a feminine-presenting woman of color, there is power in my coming out of the closet. My mere existence proves that gay looks different from what you imagined. That is huge. It blows your homophobia (and the justification for it) out of the water. I believe that when people leave the closet and step into the streets, homophobia begins to disappear. We are no longer the other. We are your neighbors, your bosses, your daughters, your friends, etc. We are you. In this community, our diversity is our strength, so visibility is one of our strongest tools.”
Justin Cook, a local publicist, described his coming-out and how, despite accepting himself, he still had fears. “I had a rather painless realization of my sexuality at 12 or 13. But I quickly realized this was not something to broadcast at this time. It was not a bad thing, but it was not in my best interest to talk about this to people.
“The biggest thing was that I was scared of losing my family. My parents had gay friends, but it’s always different when it’s someone you know as opposed to your child or a member of your family,” he said. “I decided to keep it to myself until I was on my own. I’d planned to come out on my 23rd birthday. I was going to leave them a voicemail that I was gay and ask them to call me back if they loved me. Turned out, I told my mom on three hours of sleep when I was 21. There was a little awkwardness for a while, but my sexuality has not altered my relationship with my mother.”
Meredith Rainey, artistic director/choreographer of Carbon Dance Theatre, found a valuable connection with a gay friend.
“To me, it’s always very funny that male dancers are [assumed to be] gay. In most of the companies I was in, it was always half and half. There were macho guys who were trying too hard, and guys you wish were gay,” Rainey said. “One of my best friends, who is also gay, and I performed the same part [in “Othello”] and it was amazing how it brought us together. When we got this role, and we both investigated it together, we grew from it. That camaraderie … he was like a brother; he will tell me when I suck, or am doing something stupid. There’s a sense that we have each other’s backs, and we won’t let the other get away with any shit: ‘You can do better than that.’ We only want the best and more for each other. He’s an amazing role model, and makes me want to be better.”
For Justin Nordell, volunteer chair for the Philadelphia Folk Festival, acceptance “is an action word.”
“We have seen in our lifetime the collective conscience mature from tolerance to acceptance. I realized I was gay at a seventh-grade sleepover and spent the better part of middle school figuring out who I was supposed to be. I snuck downstairs late every Sunday to watch ‘Queer as Folk’ 2 inches from the screen at the lowest possible volume to look for the future me onscreen. Was I a Brian or a Michael? Ultimately I accepted that I am neither, learning to appreciate who I am, and that I am awesome. Appreciate yourself for the individual that you are. If we can appreciate each other, and ourselves, the rest of the world will follow suit. I’m ready to grow beyond acceptance to appreciation.”
Bisexual writer and artist Natalie Hope McDonald, founder of ThePhillyQ.com, also talked about acceptance.
“I wasn’t one of those kids who had an epiphany at an early age. In fact, I had been attracted to men for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t until college that I entertained the notion that women could be as much a part of my romantic life as men had been,” she said. “Bisexuality seemed like a heavy label at the time. But it’s how I now describe myself — more as a way for others to understand me than any need I have to explain it to myself. It’s taken many years, but I understand my identity as something a lot less rigid, not easily defined by a label at all. In many ways, it has helped me appreciate other people’s differences and motivations. My hope is that if the LGBT community truly wants to find acceptance in society, they must first accept each other — regardless of where one may fall on the Kinsey Scale. If the transgender community can teach us anything (has it ever!), it’s that identity doesn’t always require a label. It’s simply about finding peace within yourself — whoever you may be or whoever you may love.”
Jasper Liem, MSS, therapist, echoed McDonald’s points.
“In my own experience, it has become increasingly important for me to be ‘out’ as a transguy, especially since I now have the dubious privilege of ‘passing.’ When I started pursuing a more comfortable physical appearance, I did not have the intention of passing as male, I just knew I didn’t want to have breasts anymore. A few months after surgery, I decided to start taking testosterone. Maybe a year later, people began assuming I was a gay man, and that wasn’t how I identified at all. I missed having a community of queer women but felt outside of that community now that they also perceived me as a gay man,” he said. “Before I transitioned, my gender presentation made it obvious that I was a queer woman who fucked with gender stereotypes whenever possible. Being out as trans* has helped me keep some of that queerness that I had lost. I’m incredibly fortunate to have a supportive family and community around me, and I’m painfully aware that this is not the case for the majority of the trans* and gender non-conforming community. I can’t say that the process has been easy; in fact, it has taken a lot of personal work and finances, but I can say that the reward of accepting and loving myself has made it all worth it.”
Educator and activist Van Nguyen also finds strength in embracing their gender non-conformity. “It was only a few years ago that, more often than not, I had long, flowing hair and wore some kind of makeup. Nowadays, the only time I recreate that appearance is when I’m performing as a drag queen. I am not male, nor am I female. Being genderqueer has brought a new perspective into my life that allows me so much freedom in expressing myself, from the clothing that I wear to how I approach people. I am Van, and I can be anything I want to be. I don’t fit in boxes, and that’s all right.”
Drag is also a form of self-expression for Nathan Walk, aka Mrs. Pinklewinkle. “People are always shocked when I tell them I’m a drag queen. Honestly, I never thought I’d do drag. When I first moved to Philadelphia, this guy I dated said he did drag. I never wanted to see a photo of him [in drag]. He left one on the bed once, and I was so pissed off.”
But Walk changed his attitude, acknowledging, “I did drag because I wanted to be a comedian, and I was too nervous. I made YouTube videos of Mrs. Pinklewinkle (aka ‘Queen of the Gutters’) to express my creativity. I was the anti-drag queen. I used to wear nude fat suits with a giant X over the crotch. I wanted to go against typical drag queen. They were glamorous. I am more masculine in drag. I don’t look like a woman, so I don’t pretend to be one. I wanted my character to stand out and I put my own spin on it. The point is to get people to pay attention. What I do doesn’t embarrass me. If people embarrass you, then they got to you. Gay people are resilient.”
Resilience is a topic of importance to Nick Padilla, Groundwork massage therapist and a Sacred Intimate.
“Living in the LGBTQ world today takes courage and passion. Why would anyone expect less?” he posed. “For me, being gay and queer means making conscious decisions to define myself, my sexuality and my spirituality. This is living powerfully. Being sexual is one way I express my true spirit into the world: open, playful, exploring and accepting. I help others to do the same in healthy and empowering ways — a role for which I feel great passion. Being LGBTQ is not about being a sexual minority, it’s a movement to create a majority of people consciously choosing to shape their personal world and, subsequently, the world around them.”
Sexuality and spirituality have also been intertwined for Adam Haines, a musician/educator and founder of Mobile Music. “Being raised in a conservative Evangelical household played a major role in my identity. I was Christian and I was gay. I’ve experienced the full array: prayer groups, reparative therapy, dozens of ‘Biblical self-help’ books and ‘support groups,’” he said. “I can tell you firsthand, you can’t pray the gay away. To folks like myself, who have been offended and put off by the Christian community, I want to inform you that not all churches are created equally. There are many communities of faith, such as the Episcopal Church, that offer messages of love, inspiration and kindness to the world around them, regardless of their sexuality, religion, race or age. My hope is, as a global community, we will not focus on our differences, but focus on building communities where acceptance, peace and love are the foundations.”
As members of the queer community move towards greater acceptance and equality, some are seeking marriage. Alisha Simons, quality-assurance and logistics manager at Metropolitan Area Neighborhood Nutritional Alliance, spoke on this topic.
“Growing up, I never really thought about getting married. Having a piece of paper legitimize my relationship did not seem important to me. I always knew I would find that one special person to share my life with, but did I really need a legal marriage certificate that qualified me as officially married in the eyes of the law?” she posed. “I liked the romance, the pledge of love and commitment that marriage embodied; those were the things I most wanted. I still want those things today, only now I want more.
“Over the years, I have come to realize just how powerful that piece of paper is, and how unprotected and vulnerable the LGBT community is without it. Without a marriage certificate, FMLA does not cover us to take leave from work to care for our partner if they become ill. Without marriage, our children are unprotected — as are the rights of the non-biological parent. We have no rights in medical emergencies, to shared property, to tax breaks or death benefits, to cover our partners on health insurance or to petition for our partners to immigrate. The list goes on and on. Today I realize how important, how vital, gay marriage is; that it does not do more to legitimize our relationships to ourselves, but rather protects and provides for those we love the most.”
The message from all the respondents seems to be: Be out. Be proud.
Gary Kramer will host a free public screening of “The Out List” with director Timothy Greenfield-Sanders and special guests at 7:30 p.m. June 10 at the Free Library of Philadelphia, 1901 Vine St.
