A few weeks ago, if someone had asked you if you knew Jason Collins, you likely would have said no. That is, unless you were a big fan of the Washington Wizards (which I doubt). But today, it seems like Collins is the only professional basketball player in the world. His name and face are everywhere. Because he’s gay. Specifically, because he’s the first openly gay current professional player in a major U.S. sport.
It’s a BFD. Even President Obama said he “couldn’t be prouder” of Collins for coming out.
Which is evidence that Obama is clearly taking orders from Satan, according to Dr. Ken Hutcherson of the Antioch Baptist Church in Redmond, Wash.
In a May 2 opinion piece for the Christian Post, Hutcherson used the fact that Obama praised a known homo-sexer and that he spoke to Planned Parenthood as proof of Obama’s Satanic usurping and a vast conspiracy against Christians in America.
“[D]o any of you believe there is a connection between [Collins] announcing he is gay only 72 hours after President Obama’s speech to Planned Parenthood?” Hutcherson wrote. “The answer is a resounding YES! More proof that Christian views are very much under attack!”
Yes, very much under attack. Poor Christian views in America. Just think of all the taxes churches have to pay. Not to mention the fact that there has never been a single American president who identified as Christian. Don’t get me started about how outnumbered Christians are in Congress. And just try getting Christmas Day off from work! Yes, it’s a tough life for Christians in America. And it can all be blamed on Planned Parenthood and Collins, aka “agents of Satan.”
“The connection between these two stories should be very obvious: They both go directly against God’s Holy Word,” Hutcherson continued. “After all, God hates hands that shed innocent blood (Prov.617) and is sickened by sodomy (Rom.1:24-27).”
In other words, Collins makes God puke.
Of course, the joke is on Collins, according to Hutcherson.
“Collins is being used as a pawn, in the most dangerous game of Russian roulette for his soul,” he wrote.
Silly Satan, souls are for Christians.
Hutcherson also predicted a rude awakening for Collins in the locker room: “I can’t imagine that Collins, standing in the shower after a game, and knowing the vast majority of his teammates are not gay, will go over very well. How about the players standing in the shower with him, knowing that one of their teammates likes other men? Just saying … ”
Let’s unpack that, shall we? First of all, when someone ends an idea with “just saying …” it means, “I have just said something for which I do not want to take responsibility” because it was probably a shitty thing to say. And, indeed, this thinly veiled “warning” about things not going “over very well” for Collins the homo while he is standing naked with a bunch of his hetero teammates is worthy of distancing yourself. Because it’s an asinine thing to say.
Not only is Hutcherson implying that Collins is some kind of pervert who won’t be able to keep his eyes and hands off his teammates, but he’s also implying that a bunch of grown men can’t behave themselves if one of them is gay, especially if they’re all naked. It’s an argument that has always left me baffled: how little regard folks like Hutcherson have not just for gays, but for men entirely. As if a penis makes it impossible to be a decent human being.
Then again, maybe Hutcherson is projecting his own fantasy of getting in a wrestling match with Collins in the shower while a bunch of other naked guys stand around and watch. Just saying …
D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.