Bravo to Michele Bachmann for her newly appointed Iowa co-chair Tamara Scott, a woman who will no doubt help woo antigay Iowans to Bachmann’s dimly lit camp.
Scott, who is a director for the Concerned Women of America, a group that’s never met a gay it didn’t not like, is “concerned” about gay marriage. In fact, over the summer, she stood with Bob Vander Plaats of antigay group The Family Leader and outlined some of her concerns about pro-marriage equality arguments, specifically the “red herring,” a rhetorical tactic intended to divert attention from the real issues.
“We didn’t bring up the objective sexualism,” she says while she and Vander Plaats crack up. “I don’t know if you’ve seen this one, where the woman marries the Eiffel Tower. Or someone marries an object.”
Vander Plaats grunts in surprise.
“I know you at home are thinking, ‘This woman is nuts,’” she says, addressing the camera directly. “I’m not making it up. Get online and do the link.”
Um, “do the link”? What does that mean? Does it have something to do with the YouTubes or the Googles?
Thankfully, I managed to find the scandalous story Scott referred to. Yes, indeed, there’s a lady who had a commitment ceremony with the Eiffel Tower because of her love for it, and also because she felt the Eiffel Tower was lonely or something that obviously makes total sense and speaks to this lady’s 100-percent sanity.
Erika Eiffel, who changed her last name after the ceremony, told ABC News, “I just, it’s almost like I heard her crying out, saying, ‘Somebody, notice me. Somebody, really notice me. Here I am in the crowd crying out, somebody, somebody, hear my voice.’”
It occurs to me that people trapped under, say, rubble, cry similar things out. Perhaps they’ve been misunderstood all of these years, wanting a stranger to marry them instead of dig them out. It may be time for search and rescue policies to be reviewed. Also, if there’s one word that describes the Eiffel Tower, it’s “ignored.”
But what’s most important is that Erika Eiffel refers to the Eiffel Tower as “her.” Meaning that her marriage is a gay marriage. Which means, um, something terrible probably. I mean, if the Eiffel Tower were a dude, then it would all be OK. And, also, how is the Eiffel Tower not a dude? Hello? Phallic symbol?
Apparently, “object orientation” is a thing. It is, according to the objectùm-sexuality website, “widely known as Objektophil in Germany,” and that many “objectum-sexuals” have Asperger’s syndrome, which is all you really need to know to establish that marrying objects is obviously going to be the next big thing once same-sex couples can get married.
Before you start writing up pre-nups for all of the items covered by your property insurance, it’s important to remember that Scott is the same woman who, last year, declared that the country’s economic woes could be solved if we just banned gay marriage harder. “If we would correct the breakdown of the family by 1 percent, we could save the taxpayer $3 billion a year,” she told an antigay rally crowd. “When the family is healthy, the community benefits. When the family is hurting, society will pay the cost one way or another. We can fix this economic downturn very easily by fixing some hearts.”
“Fixing hearts” obviously means making hearts ungay, or whatever. And we all know that Marcus Bachmann specializes in that.
I hope that Scott is also Bachmann’s economic advisor. You know, if only a certain president’s jobs plan focused more on unmarrying gay people. Maybe then Republicans would support it.
D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.