Creep of the Week: John Sheehan

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A quick history lesson: In 1995, during the Bosnian War, thousands of people were murdered in the town of Srebrenica. It was — and still is — horrific. But it turns out the entire thing could have been prevented. And it’s all Holland’s fault. Or, more specifically, Holland’s gay soldiers.

Looks like Fred Phelps needs to get himself, his signs and his family to Holland, stat.

You see, Holland lets openly gay men and women serve in its armed forces. It did in 1995 and it continues to. But as every God-fearing patriot knows, gays aren’t fit for duty, unless that duty involves a sailor hat, a g-string and a Pride parade float blasting Madonna “Confessions on a Dance Floor” remixes.

In other words, you don’t put queers in charge if you want to stop a genocide.

Or so says retired U.S. Gen. John Sheehan, who testified before the Senate Armed Services Committee about “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” insisting that it needs to be kept in place. Unless, of course, we wanted thousands of people to die.

In 1995, Bosnian Serb forces trounced the Dutch soldiers, enabling them to kill nearly 8,000 Muslim men and boys, because the Dutch solders were all a bunch of limp-wristed fags. I mean, for one thing, they were there for peacekeeping — not fighting — so they didn’t even have “the big guns,” so to speak. And, as everyone knows, peace is totally a faggy thing.

To understand where Sheehan was coming from (besides out of his own ass), the following exchange happened during his testimony.

“[Allowing openly gay Dutch soldiers to serve] led to a force that was ill-equipped to go to war. The case in point that I’m referring to is when the Dutch were required to defend Srebrenica against the Serbs. The battalion was under-strength, poorly led and the Serbs came into town, handcuffed the soldiers to the telephone poles, marched the Muslims off and executed them.”

“Did the Dutch leaders tell you it was because there were gay soldiers there?” asked Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.), chairman of the U.S. Senate’s Armed Services Committee.

“Yes, they did. They included that as part of the problem,” Sheehan said. “That the combination was the liberalization of the military, a net effect was basically social engineering.”

Levin wasn’t buying it. “I think that any effort to connect that failure on the part of the Dutch to the fact that they have homosexuals, or did allow homosexuals, I think is totally off-target,” he said.

In other words, “Sheehan, you crazy.”

The Dutch are all, “WTF?” and “Um, no.”

“It is astonishing that a man of his stature can utter such complete nonsense,” said Dutch defense ministry spokesperson Roger van de Wetering.

Oh, honey, not in our country. Hearing talk like Sheehan’s is totally a “same shit, different day” kind of thing.

“The Srebrenica massacre and the involvement of U.N. soldiers was extensively investigated by the Netherlands, international organizations and the United Nations,” van de Wetering continued. “Never was there in any way concluded that the sexual orientation of soldiers played a role.”

Well, of course they didn’t. Everyone knows the United Nations is a fag-front operation. Thankfully, we’ve got guys like Sheehan to tell their own batshit-crazy versions of the truth. n

D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.