Creep of the Week: Nancy Elliott

Woah there, state Rep. Nancy Elliott (R-N.H.). Relax. No one is trying to anal-sex you. Though this is something you apparently think about a lot. So much, in fact, that you must not have realized you were talking out loud and into a microphone during that legislative session about repealing your state’s marriage-equality law.

Like when you said, “We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wriggling it around in excrement. And you have to think, ‘I’m not sure, would I allow that to be done to me?’ All of us, that could happen to you. Would you let that happen to you? Is that normal?”

Yikes. First of all, Nancy, what you put or don’t put in your butt is your business. But thanks for announcing to the world that you and your husband don’t do anal. That is a very important thing for your constituency to know (that is not a very important thing for your constituency to know).

Second of all, what does this have to do with same-sex marriage? Is there some kind of clause in New Hampshire that mandates anal sex for married gays? You know that some gay dudes don’t even have anal sex, right? It’s “off the menu,” so to speak. And do you know that some straight dudes have anal sex on both the giving and receiving end? Because you don’t seem to be freaked out about them getting married.

I’m also concerned about this claim you made at the session: “I heard yesterday from a mother that in the fifth grade in Nashua, they were given, as part of their classroom instruction, naked pictures of two men showing a presentation of anal sex … They are showing our fifth-graders how they can actually perform this kind of sex and they are condoning, saying this is something normal. They are saying this is something that you … as a fifth-grader, may want to try.”

Wow, really? And just one parent complained about that? Because I agree with you, giving fifth-graders naked pictures of ass sex, straight or gay, is not appropriate. So you’d think more parents would have complained. Unless, of course, it didn’t happen.

“The comments have Nashua school officials at a loss. Nothing resembling what Elliott said is being taught in any of Nashua’s schools, officials say,” reported the Nashua Telegraph. “Superintendent Mark Conrad said school officials have asked all elementary-school principals about the claim. Conrad said there is no evidence to substantiate Elliott’s comment and no parents have called to complain.”

Huh. That’s funny. No parents called the school to complain. Just one mystery mother and she called you, someone who talks publicly about her visions of penises wriggling around in poo. Must be a district-wide cover-up, eh?

What would New Hampshire be without you? I urge you not to quit, Nancy. Keep speaking the truth. Don’t let the haters get you down. Don’t let them censor your message. In fact, at your next meeting, bring in two live gays as guests to have anal sex so you can really hit your point home. Do it, Nancy. Do it for the children.

D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.