Dear Ms. Behavior:
After three years of monogamy, my partner and I have admitted that we’re bored and have decided to open our relationship sexually. We’ve thought about it carefully and have created a list of guidelines to protect our relationship: no falling in love, no frequent sex with any one person, no unsafe sex, no rent boys and no secrets. We also have a clause that if either of us changes his mind, we go back to monogamy.
We were feeling comfortable with this agreement and ready for new adventures (both together and separately) until we told our best friend Tom and he freaked out. He told us a dozen horror stories about his friends whose relationships ended after they became non-monogamous.
Tom did succeed in scaring us. Do you think we should stick to the monogamous status quo? Or should we follow through with our plan to change things up?
— Tired of Monogamy
Dear Tired of Monogamy:
Ignore Tom, who seems to want to impose his values on you. He doesn’t belong in the middle of your relationship.
The good news is that while you and your boyfriend are both bored with your sex lives together, you’re in agreement about the solution. This is a far better scenario than it would be if one of you suddenly wanted to have sex with throngs of other men and the other wanted to keep things as they are.
Your list of rules is sweet and speaks of your devotion and your desire not to harm your relationship. It’s funny, however, that you have a rule that demands that you don’t fall in love; if you repeatedly get naked with someone you actually like, love can be difficult to defend against, and by the time you’re ready to acknowledge the love, it’s usually too late to stop it.
However, many couples who agree about non-monogamy do manage to get only their sexual needs met outside their relationship and their primary love relationship is still their partner. In most ways it sounds like you two have planned out your departure from monogamy like good little Boy Scouts, including a trail of bread crumbs to find your way back to the campsite.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My girlfriend and I are friends with another lesbian couple, Jen and Dana, who talk too much and in too much detail about their intimate sexual relationship. For instance, the first time we went out for dinner with them, Jen told us the detailed story about the first time they had sex, including how they touched each other through their clothes without intending to “go all the way,” but then it got “so hot and wet” that they just had to “make love” even though they were on a public beach. Do I really need to envision this while I eat?
Even worse, they post detailed updates on Facebook about their sex lives, including things like, “The sheets were so wet that we had to hang them outside after we finally got out of bed.” Do we really need to be barraged with information on their sex lives? How do we let them know that we just don’t care to hear it?
Any advice would be great.
— Not Repressed, Just Bored and Maybe a Little Disgusted Dear Not Repressed, Just Bored and Maybe a Little Disgusted:
Next time your friends tell you about their excessive moisture, just stick your fingers deep into your throat and make a retching noise. Vomiting sounds often work well to curtail inappropriate disclosure, especially at meals.
Or you can try a totally different tact: Go out to dinner with them and make sure that you and your girlfriend both keep your hands under the table. Every so often, let out a slight moan and throw your head back. After a few moments of this, announce that you and your partner are currently fingering each others’ hot, slick vulvas. If that doesn’t work to shock some sense back into your over-disclosing pals, initiate a discussion about how difficult it’s been to get your girlfriend’s tight ass ready to accept the 9-inch vibrating butt rocket you just bought for her.
If this strategy works, your friends will get your not-so-subtle hint and stop their inappropriate disclosure. However, if it fails, they’ll probably beg you to participate in their “hot, wet lovemaking.”
Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at [email protected] or visit www.msbehavior.com.