Marriage matters. That’s right, I said “marriage matters” and I mean it. No more of this nonsense about “LGBT folks don’t need a failed heterosexual institution.” Just because they so often mess it up is no reason it should be denied to us. And look around you, most people who get married do make a success of it. Because, marriage really does matter.
It is not so much a relationship issue, like who washes the dishes or walks the dog, as it is about the relationship between you as a couple and the rest of society. In marriage, you gain the social recognition of your relationship that solidifies your place in the community. It is not just about visiting your loved one in the hospital, although that is an important piece. It is more about how your relationship becomes a part of the social fabric when you are a married couple. I suppose it is like the difference between taking a whole lot of night courses and actually earning a Ph.D. It matters.
It matters spiritually because it goes to the heart of self-respect. How are we to hold our heads high in the community so long as we know we are denied even the most basic right, to marry the one we love? “Hi, I’m a gay community leader and I accept that I am less human than you?” I don’t think so. And yet, that is the internalized homophobic message we have taught ourselves to repeat over and over and over. And look at the consequences. Do you think it is an accident that Californians voted to accept Proposition 8? I don’t. I think every gay person who never came out to his folks — “they’re so old and set in their ways” — or his neighbors — “it’s nobody’s business what I do in the bedroom” — every such person nailed a vote in support of this proposition from his relatives and coworkers who think gay means perverse and who thinks that no self-respecting human would ever really be gay. How about “choose a gay lifestyle?” I wish I could choose a gay lifestyle. I sure as heck wouldn’t have to make mortgage payments or go to work — a gay lifestyle would be partying night and day, right? Oh, right …
So what makes me an expert on marriage? I’m an old married man — proudly married to my partner (now my husband) of more than 30 years on our 30th anniversary six months ago. So far we’ve survived a vacation, a Thanksgiving and a new roof as a married couple. We’re doing pretty well, I think. And you know what, it really is different being married. How? I can’t quite describe it. I think it is just the knowledge that we are entered in the rolls of history as married people that makes the difference. Like so many of the thousands of couples who are getting married, we’d be first to tell you we did it “because we could.”
And yet there also is that pesky matter of self-respect. Of walking around now with a wedding ring on my finger and the knowledge that it is really real. Of the memory of that moment when he put the ring on my finger. Of the moment when we made these solemn vows with our friends standing around us as witnesses of this life-changing moment. Frankly, it reminded me a lot of being ordained. They say that when you are ordained there is a change in your being. I think this is also true of being married. In that instant, we became something we never had been in the 30 years of our relationship — married.
Marriage matters. And that is why it is about time for LGBT folks to have some righteous indignation about a state that would dare vote to take away a right from a segment of the population. Let’s hope the courts sort this out. After all, in our so-called democratic society, it is the role of the courts to protect the rights of all from the impulses of the mob. But there is more to it than that. There also is the part about our own responsibility. For when we participate in our own oppression by playing the role assigned to us by our oppressors — “they know their place” — or — “we don’t need a heterosexual institution” — then we do their job for them. This is one reason people in states with “separate but equal” domestic-partnership legislation have continued to seek marriage. Where else in American society today would it be acceptable to suggest separate but equal accommodations?
Do you want a fully spiritual life? Then learn to live life in every moment full of the joy with which you were created. Are you in a relationship? Go get married (well, OK, first make sure you’ve had the proper pre-marital counseling). I love being married. I recommend it highly. The moment we looked up from our hands joined anew with golden bands we both knew “this was always right.” And it was. It is time. It is about time we demand our basic spiritual rights from this society in which we live.
The Rev. Richard P. Smiraglia is Convenor of Episcopal Coalition for Gay and Lesbian Outreach (www.ecglo.org). He is on staff at The Church of the Holy Trinity, Rittenhouse Square, 1904 Walnut St. He can be reached at [email protected] .